Droid Revenge

How did this Story Fare

Hooray for the first time in my life people will get to see and rate my writing talent.

I Hope you all Enjoy this…

“We interrupt our Redskins V.S. Chargers Game to bring you this superhero dispatch.”

“Great they were just about to score”. The voice of Mr. Incredible raised in anger startled the Parr family as they relaxed on a lazy Sunday evening.

“Bob don’t get angry”. Mrs. Parr (Elastigirl) cut in. “Go ahead Rich” She said returning to the reporter.

The TV man continued. We have an important message towards the Parr family. A robbery has been committed in sector 127 of the Governmental Secrecy Facility. The suspect is unknown and we have no information except that he took one item which we haven’t identified yet. We request you come at once.

Helen replied for her husband. “Okay we’ll come over…Bob?” She turned towards Bob with a questionable look. “Are you coming?”

“Yah…I’ll come.”

“We will be over in 5 minutes.”

“Very well…”The Report finished as the football game flashed back across the screen.

The Parr family quickly got suited up and hopped and raced towards the G.S.Facility.

The Family was soon next to an ominously large building that could have easily resembled a prison. Next to the main gate was a man waiting for them. “Good you got the message.” He said. “Please follow me.”

Dash and Violet stayed behind as their parents walked inside with the man. Suddenly there was a crash and part of the wall next to the corner fell away!

A figure swiftly disappeared into the night.

“MOM!!!”

Elastigirl and Mr. Incredible appeared where the wall had once been.

“Who was that?!?”

Mr. Incredible calmed her. “It was Bomb Voyage. He was here stealing some bomb they had.”

“Did he get it?”

"No he couldn’t get the crate out of the door. Dash!! Go get him see where he leads you too.”

Dash puffed himself up with pride and dashed away into the dark. In a couple of minutes he returned.

“He went into a nearby hotel. If we hurry we can nab him.”

Mr. Incredible and Dash were soon running along the street of downtown Los Angeles towards the hotel. Once they arrived they asked for his room number and hurried upstairs. They burst into his room.

Mr. Incredible!!! Cried Bomb Voyage. In a flash Dash whirled around him putting hard rope around his arms and waist. Soon Bomb Voyage was tied up and ready to be sent to jail.

Have a nice “Voyage” Mr. Incredible said as the police took him away.

Voyage struggled and cried out as a last remark. “You can try to stop me but you won’t stop my cousin. He will get the better of you.” And with that the police dragged an upset Bomb Voyage away to jail.

Dash was the first to speak as the pair headed home. “He has a cousin??”

“Yah all supers do. Some have powers and others have no power because the chance is much slimmer of getting them. You have a cousin….his name is Christopher if I remember correctly. But he disappeared four years ago when your were 8. He would be 13 by now so almost your age.

Have you ever seen him?

“No, I never got to. His mom lives in New Mexico and when he was lost they were all vacationing in Los Angeles. They searched for days but never found him. So they simple took the idea that he was trying to get home on his own.”

“But he wasn’t home was he?”

“No he wasn’t. They do say that shortly afterwards a new superhero appeared in Los Angeles but we never heard anything else of it. Those reports soon stopped as quickly as they appeared.”

Hmmm, this was an okay intro chapter. It was nice to have the starting chapter start with a bang. Just to let you know, Dashi smore along the lines of 10, not 13 years old.

Oh well, we’ll see how this story goes on, but keep it up. You got my eye on it now.

i might try to fix those with another chapter…

actually Dash is a little older in my story but my second chapter will explain that more clearly.

Chapter 2

One Month later the Parr family invited the guards at the G.S.F. over for a Christmas Party to celebrate their conquering of Bomb Voyage and his reign of evil. The family also invited Dash’s and Violets friends over to help celebrate Christmas….

“So VI how have you been here in California.” Tony said once he stepped inside. “I’m doing fine Tony how are you?”

“Not bad but that plane flight was a little rougher than it should have been. Wow you have a big house now.”

Dash and his friends stayed outside for most of the party considering their parents and Violet had like invited the whole neighborhood. Dash, Heather, Dillon, Nathan, and Derrick all played basketball in the yard.

Bob Parr was talking with a security guard when he noticed Frozone walk in.
“Hey Fro come on in!

“Hey man how are you doing?”

“Not bad….had some customers on my patent business last month.”

“Hey man umm….I got no place tonight. Do you think I could stay over for the night? The misses is away and I really could use a place to stay.”

“Sure you can stay for the night. It’s Christmas it’ll be really exciting with all the new toys the kids get.”

A lieutenant from the facility approached Bob later that night. Hey Bob thanks again for taking care of Bomb Voyage. I heard he just got sentenced for 15 years of prison.

“Wow…well were glad to help keep our countries secrets safe.”

Tony and Violet were in the living room talking when Tony said “So Vi how is it moving to Los Angeles.”

Violet was rather startled by the question. Umm…well it’s great. I’ve made some friends and new opportunities.

Do you miss Metroville?

“Not really….I prefer it here in Los Angeles. Although two years away from Metroville has taken quite an effect on my dad. Have you seen the weight he gained?”

Yah….he’s like a bus now. A snicker by Violet brought him back to earth. I’m sorry he said with his trademark smile Violet had grown to enjoy.

“Do you miss me??”

“Of course….two years of never seeing you is enough to drive one nuts.”

“Good….”

Dash and his friends were playing basketball when Mr. Parr came out. “Hey, Heather your mom just called saying she can’t get home due to an airport closure. She said you could stay here for the night if you want.”

“Thank you Mr. Parr that would be great” Heather said as she looked towards Dash.

The evening came to a close about 10; 30 and most had gone home except for some guard, Heather, Frozone, and Dillon who was competing with Dash at Mario Kart. Suddenly a loud beeping was heard coming from the kitchen.

“That’s just the phone…” Elastigirl stated quickly. But she rushed over to the kitchen, lifted on the countertop and pulled out an emergency phone.

Hello?
Incredibles?
Yes.
We have a robbery underway at the G.S.F. again.
What?
That’s right. There is a burglary at the facility.
On Christmas?
On Christmas.
Are you sure??? I mean we just caught someone there.
Mam, I’m sure.

“Okay were off. Bob come here please. Bob that was the police. There is a burglary going on at the Secrecy facility again.”

“What?!?! But we just caught someone there. They wouldn’t attempt that place again.”

“Well they are…common we got to go. Frozone make sure Dash and Heather don’t stay up much later then 11. Violet we will need you to come with us to get some more milk for breakfast.”

Soon Violet, Elastigirl, and Mr. Incredible were far away. But a group of men watched them leave with anticipation. The leader turning towards his men said. “Let’s get this started.”

Well, this story drew me in, and it is very interesting, especially that Dash had a cousin. You’re just missing some quotation marks in some places, which makes it a little harder to read. Other than that, this is a creative story, keep it up!

Hey Al-Bob, great update! I enjoyed this chapter a lot more! There are a couple of things that are bothering me.

1. Metroville happens to be in California. THere is even proof of it in the movie.

2. If Dash is 12, Violet should be at least 15-16. In the commentary for the Incredibles, the featurettes and the 2nd DVD, Dash is revealed to be near 10 years old. Violet is around 13-14 years old.

Well, this chapter has got a very suspenseful ending to it. It makes me really excited to see what will happen next. Keep it up!

thanks

about those problems i’ll fix them soon…

1-i can change that to not say california
2-maybe my script will allow me to make her only 16 hmm that would be a stretch. i’ll see what i can do.

Update-i seem to be streamin these through so check back every saturday for new ones.

Wel, you go change it the way you want to change it. Otherwise, I can’t wait for your next update (maybe even in a couple hours?)

okay…fixed those problems.

1-no more california
2-She’s turning 17 in Febuary which means she is 16 which would fit into the story just barely.

Well, it is kinda better. First off, let me apologize for being incredibly picky with the details of the Incredibles world.

I don’t think it makes sense that Violet lives in Metroville California and does to high school in L.A. It doesn’t make any sense. If you meant college, then that would make even more sense.

And as for the age, it barely works, but I think I’ll let it slip. Keep it up!

oh that is perfectly fine.
If i am to write about stuff it needs to be more truth then guess.

I’d rather you guys see them becuase i can fix them.

Very well. I’ll read your chapters as you post them, then after that, I’ll be the judge of it fits with the Incredibles World accuretly.

Ha…very well.

You can be my Incredi-Checker

Sweetness! Can’t wait for the next update!

Chapter 3 (yah i’m whipping them out now)

Dillon played with Dash all the way till 10; 29 when Lucius (Fro) walked in.
“All right guys its 10; 30 and that’s bedtime to Dash. Dillon is your mom coming to get you?”

Dillon looked up with a nervous look in his eye. “Yah, she said she would come pick me up.”

Lucius gave Dillon a little look. “Are you sure?”

“We’ll not really she never said what time she would get me by. I think she expected me to walk home.”

Lucius breathed out a sigh of regret. “Dillon you can’t walk home at midnight. There are too many dangers for a thirteen year old. You’ll stay the night and then go home in the morning so that way your mom isn’t worried.”

Soon most of the family was fast asleep with Heather in the living room and Dillon in Dash’s room.

Heather Price was awakened by a clink at the window that Christmas night. She didn’t remember the hands grasping her mouth but only the kick in the gut that totally knocked the wind out of her body.

“Quiet!” Said a voice “Or you life is useless.”

Her first reaction was to defend herself but the grip tightened and she started to panic.

“Now,” the voice continued. “Where are the kids and their parents?”

Heather started to speak into the hand but realized that it wasn’t going to help.

The man tightened the grip. “I don’t want you to talk. I want you to point.”

She pointed towards the stairs leading up. The man let go of the grip. He turned around….”Guys wrap this one up. She isn’t the main target. But keep an eye on her.”

The man walked upstairs as three men in grey cloaks followed him. One man was left downstairs and he started to look around the house after he tied Heather up.

“You know there is some leftover cake in the fridge still.”

“Huh…caaakke….I can take a break real fast since your tied up.”

Heather waited until he got out of site to attempt to untie the knot at her back.
Crack!! It snapped like a pea pod.

“Phew” she said in satisfaction. “Now where are those guys?”

A figure worked stealthily in the experiment room at the G.S.F.

“Almost got the memory transferred.” The figure said to itself. “Once I get this over I can leave.” He remembered his plan and the events that had occurred minutes before.

Step 1-Chagne mind waves of guards (check)
Step 2-Get Brain (check)
Step 3-Transfer the Memory to Laptop and hightail out of facility. (Almost)

Hmmm…that isn’t supposed to glow.

A dark red glow was starting to appear in the LCD monitor of the brain. It grew stronger and stronger. Suddenly it turned yellow and the figure went black.

When he awoke the brain had turned towards the wall and the glow was shining words on it.

“Thank You Van Estaban for awakening me from my deep sleep. The time is 11; 35 and we haven’t time to spare because some superheroes are on their way. My version name is Omni and I was shut down 2 years ago by The Incredible family. I have since been compressed by scientists into this. I have lost all of my power sources and haven’t had any till your laptop gave me hope. I know you want to get revenge for something they did here as well? I can help you. My goal in life has always been to help people and now I want to help you accomplish your goal. Let us go back to your home and we can discuss where to go next.”

“I live in Nomanisan, because Syndrome was my uncle’s greatest friend.”

“Ahh….good old Syndrome. He built me and programmed me but he wasn’t very good at being a super. I am very sorry to know that your Uncle Bomb Voyage is in prison. It is a shame they put people in prison away from their families. But anyhow he was a great friend of Syndromes. Do you know the secret about Syndrome?”

“No, he had secrets?”

“Yes, he built a secret laboratory where he worked on his inventions when he was little. As he exited college he started a business selling some of them for money. This made him rich and he bought security and started a little army. He still made inventions including the dreaded remote which shuts me down. That remote has hence been destroyed by the government because they said it had no value with it. Thank Goodness for that. Now I am unstoppable as long as I have power because nothing can make me destroy myself.”

“How do you know all this?”

“I’m a robot…I can read your mind and everyone else’s mind. This is a great thing to have when you are evil. You can change minds can’t you.”

“Well ya. It’s really nothing.”

“Oh no it isn’t, you have the greatest power of all. Now let’s get out of this dreaded place and start our planning to return to Nomanisan.”

And with that the Van Estaban took the Omni Droid Brain and ran away leaving behind the charred remains of the box it was once captive in.

Van Estaban was pleased at his new gadget. The Omni Droid was overjoyed at his second chance for REVENGE!!!

Chapter 4 (a simple little chapter to explain Vi, Elast, and Mr. Incred)

“What happened Mom?”

Violet had just crossed into the facility for the first time when a total disaster appeared before her.

“Someone took one of the crates into the experiment room and opened it. They left the box and took the article that was inside.”

“What was inside of it?”

“I don’t now…what is that?”

Elastigirl picked some device off the floor.

“It’s a wrench” Mr. Incredible said as the object entered the light. “What are those letters?”

“V.E.” said Elastigirl. “What does that mean?”

“Must be some initials.”

“Who has V.E.?”

“I don’t know…it must a new villain.”

“Well whoever he is he isn’t very smart. He wrote his initials and address on a tool.”

“His address?”

“Yah, East End, Nomanisan.”

“Nomanisan? I thought that was off limits to everyone.”

“Ahh…well that proves something else. This villain is a government worker.”

“Government worker?”

“Yah, you see when Nomanisan was shut down by the government only
personnel were allowed to enter into it. If this villain lives there he has to be associated with the government.”

“This also proves how he got inside the experiment room. Only government officials are allowed to carry swipe cards to the experiment rooms.”

“Well what are we going to do?” Violet asked.

“Well maybe he will wait for a day and then leave for the island and we can
catch him.” Mr. Incredible replied.

“But what about Dash?” Elastigirl put in.

“We can call the house and leave a message saying we’ll be gone for a day and that Dash shouldn’t worry about us.”

“I can do that right now.” Elastigirl said.

Elastigirl did call the house but all she got was the answering machine. She decided to leave a message since Lucius was there.

Little did she know that the real reason that no one answered was beyond her wildest imagination…

Chapter 3 Review

First off, it was a pretty exciting chapter. I knew something fishy was going to happen and you have seemed to pitch it really well. Keep it up.

Still, there are a couple of things that I found that seemed funny.

1. Frozone’s civilian name is spelled Lucius.

2. I would seriously doubt that Syndrome would know Bomb Voyage. THey met before, as shown in the movie, but I doubt that they would form an alliance and become friends. It just doesn’t make any logical sense.

3. THe Villains who snuuck in seemed pretty much incompetent.

4. So the Omnidoid (one word, not two) is back huh? And it has got a new form? Instead of the indestructible juggernaut in the movie, it is now a small little thing, using others to seek its revenge? Pretty cool. Nice idea. We’ll see how it goes from there.

Chapter 4 Review

Great chapter. This gives me a little bit of a foreshadow of what is going to happen next. I bet thet Esteban left the letter to the Incredibles as a trap. But we’ll see. After all, bad guys wouldn’t just leave stuff around for any reason unless the bad guy is a rookie(which is not the case), careless (doubt that a brain and Esteban are), or if there is something going on.

Just a couple of quick notes.

1. The island is called Nomanisan. (Take out the L) Think of it as No-Man-Is-An-Island.

Other than that, keep it up! you got me so psyched for the next chapter.

OKay here is the correction list for Chapters 3&4;

1-Its Lucius not Lucious (Check)
2-Corrected (Check)
3-Next chapter will hopefully clear that up. One more thing, there aren’t supervillians they’re just henchmen.
4-The OmniDroid is back. The government took the braind which wasn’t too damaged back to the expirement room and fixed it. Htey did take out the internal energy capsul that it runs on which left the brain powerless. The new form has been condensed to make it more faster and inproved. It is now about 5 feet long by 3 feet wide and 2 feet high (roughly). The new design which will come later will be much smaller then the outshell the OmniDroid had in the movie (app. 18ft. diameter) which was destroyed by the water from the lake. FFRRIIZZZZTTT!!!
5-Nomanisan-not nomanisland or nomansland. (Check)

(high school issue)-She lives in L.A. she does school in L.A. her age is 16 1/2 years. Which means that she is going on her Junior year of high school.

Hopefully this all won’t go haywire by the end which is the main part of the story. But it looks bright from the 1/3 way point.

Sounds cool and corrected Al-Bob, however, the “D” in the Omnidroid is not capitalized okay?

Also, the Omnidroid doesn’t have a brain. It runs on its artificial intellegence, which is different from a brain. When the Omnidroid exploded, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, was destroyed, so I wonder how the heck were they able to repair it’s artificial intellegece?

Just currious.

Those were great chapters, Al-Bob! You made it really suspenseful. The Omnidroid with a mind of its own- wow (one could tell from the title that it would come up sooner or later, but it still was a good idea)
Couldn’t it betray anyone now? (we’ll have to wait an see, won’t we?)
This is a cool idea.