Hi. I never write a fanfic before. Even though I’m proud to call myself a ‘good’ writer (everybody said the same too), but I humbly say that I never write a story besides thriller genre. I only talented in thriller-writing and this is the first time in my life that I write a sad story, I guess. I’m need comments and critiques to improve my story writing. And it only have 4 parts. So it’s kinda a short story.
My Last Days With Ellie
Thursday.
[i]Rain is pouring down heavily outside the window. There are no birds chirping, no beam of sunlight but a cold morning breeze and the sound of rain. I open my eyes as I hear the sound of rain falling down becomes slow. It takes me time to open my eyes though. The ceiling of the house is the first view I look as start of my day. I am a 78-year-old man, what do you expect me to do but routine life of retired person yet I have always dreamed for an adventure. I am still lying on bed, and I turn myself to the right. There is a view. A view of absolute beauty of her, nothing is more enthusiastic than her, nothing much more comfortable and such warmth but Ellie. Ellie. A young, big-hearted girl when I first met her. Always dreams for an adventure of a lifetime. She completes me. I love her very much that I could not afford to lose her at all stakes. I kiss her on the forehead and touch her nose while she was asleep. She is the most beautiful woman I ever met in life. I look at the alarm clock on the side table. It’s 6.30. As usual, today’s activity will be cleaning the house with my beloved wife.
***
We sit at the dinner table together. This Sunday will be Ellie’s birthday. To make it more special, this Saturday will be Valentine’s Day. Yes, Ellie was born a day after Valentine’s. She is overjoyed by that – I, too overjoyed about that. I simply love giving Ellie surprises. Ellie would be thrilled by that. Once, I gave a thought that we would have our wedding on or a day after the Valentine’s, but Ellie do not like it. She said that those weeks ahead would be so busy. She said that I have to find her presents for three consecutive days and she do not want to burden me much. I gave a huge laugh about that. The most special gift that I gave to her was her first kiss. I do not know that she would like it, but she appreciates whatever I gave to her. That makes Ellie special – an unconditional love.
It is quite a fuss that I have to think what I want to give to Ellie. No idea. No single idea. I want to give her something really special. Something that she is really wants. Something that we could enjoy ourselves together. Something that is adventurous. Something that is wild. Something that…Oh, I give up. I don’t know what ‘something’ is. Perhaps it will come to me eventually.[/i]
Great job! There is one thing that’s bothering me about it, and that’s the fact that Ellie died several years before Carl was 78. Also, there is a bit lost in your translation, but I can tell that you’ve worked pretty hard on this, and I can’t really hold that against you. Writing it in first-person was a pretty interesting approach, I didn’t really expect that.
Awww, wannabechef, very sweet! I really like your little touches - Carl touching Ellie on the nose while she sleeps was so cute, I can see him doing that. I liked Ellie telling him that, if they got married around Valentine’s/her b’day he would have to give her three presents! And the bit about Carl giving her her first kiss, and not knowing if she would like it - that would make a great scene in itself (like a memory/flashback).
My one nitpick is the same as ffdude’s - they don’t tell us exactly, but it seems that Ellie dies a few years before Carl is 78. I would guess he’s maybe 75(???).
My friend said there’s something bugging him too. The title I guess.
Is it suppose to be My Last Days With Ellie or Ellie’s Last Days With Me?
And the next part will come out soon! Perhaps this Saturday. Well, you know this is just a short story, so I don’t think that I should take it a long period to post the new one.
Warning: May contain spoilers for certain unavoidable reasons.
Friday.
[i]It’s Friday. And I still haven’t got anything for Ellie. Ellie said that she has something to give to me this Valentine’s, and yes I cannot wait for that. Too bad I kept telling Ellie: “Sweetheart, I’m sorry that I haven’t got you anything. But I promise that when I get the present, you would be surprised.”
“Cross your heart?” she said with a smile. I know that she does not really care that I haven’t got anything for her as she always said that the most precious gift I ever give to her is my love.
“Cross my heart, sweetheart” I replied and I kissed her forehead.
As usual, our activity today would be routines and more routines. However, it’s Saturday night. Which is mean that it’s our ‘Candlelight Dinner Night’. We never skipped this tradition ever since we got married. This is one of our symbol of appreciation towards each other’s love. But it’s still 12.30 pm, seven hours to go.
Today, Ellie did the laundries and cleaning the windows plus she really wanted to sweep the floor – which is my job to do so. But I do not mind if she insisted while I wipe the dusts in the house. Especially, on the fireplace. I have to admit that it’s been a long time (well, three months to be precise) that I haven’t cleaned it. I take the vacuum cleaner – with a small hose – and get ready to work!
1.10 pm.
Phew. There is only a place to clean now. And I’m glad it almost over. Ellie is still sweeping the floor after she left the washing machine to do its work. Sometimes I love living in this era – full of high techno…technolo…bah, what a word to say! What I mean is that today’s world is full of handy machines and all of them are convenient. Well, compared to those days. As I am preoccupied with my work, I take a glance of Ellie that still sweeping behind me. I think to myself. What will happen to Ellie if I die? Will she be strong to continue life? Will she endure towards my lost? I almost cried. And I turn myself to the fireplace. On it, there is a picture frame of younger Ellie. Curious, energetic, adventurous and much more of her. I suddenly feel sad. Very sad. It was Ellie – Future Explorer. It was Ellie that is always dreamed for Paradise Falls. That is really wanted to get this house next to the highest waterfall on earth. I give a long pause. Sighing.
Suddenly, I feel brilliant. Genius! “That is it! That IS it!” I thought. I could take Ellie to Paradise Falls! Well, minus the house of course. That would be impossible or perhaps crazy. Both of us can live our adventure since our childhood. And re-live Ellie’s spirit to become a real explorer! That’s it, I’m going to book tickets to Venezuela this evening. “Paradise Falls, embrace yourself with these two mighty – elderly – explorers!” I thought. Suddenly, it gives me a thought of Charles Muntz. We Americans, (well, 1930’s Americans) don’t know what happened to him. Either he was already dead or gone missing. But I’m pretty sure that he was already dead as his age would be in his 90s.[/i]
Even better! I like the way you portray Carl’s thoughts during that scene from the movie. You made me laugh, with Carl’s “Bah, what a word to say!” And I love him thinking, at this point, that flying the house would be impossible or crazy. Very nicely done!
Haha, great job chef, I like how you made it relate to that part in the montage. As soon as you mentioned sweeping, I knew what you were talking about, it was pretty cool. Good luck with the last part, but I must point out to everyone else, if it’s what I think it is, expect some rather major spoilers (I’d use tags chef)
I must say, I’ve never heard of using spoiler tags in a fanfic. I would find that difficult to do, and disruptive to read.
It might be nice to post a spoiler warning at the beginning of the chapter, but I think that would be enough. As a reader, I would always expect that any fanfic based on a movie is likely to contain spoilers for that movie.
Wannabechef, Chapter 2 was even better! I liked how Carl was so welcoming of new technology. After Ellie died, I’d think he wouldn’t feel that way anymore. And I also loved how they still did their ‘cross your heart’ thing even in old age.
Thanks WheezyBestBud! I wish Part 3 of the story will well-received too!
And yeah, after Ellie died, he don’t really care about it much. (No, not a spoiler for the next part.)
[i]I wake up from a long-night sleep with excite. Today is the special day for all couples in the world. Valentine’s Day. The day that full of flower bouquets, teddy bears and chocolates. Yet, it’s for the new generation today. Back in the day, we did not do these stuffs, however, we used a romantic approach such as a couple road trip or even a simple afternoon couple picnic. None of today’s generation will do these things. If there are, only few of them and highly likely with their age advancing to 35 or so on.
Ellie and I celebrated Valentine’s with annual tradition: couple picnic. Ellie loves picnic as much as I do and to make it more special, we always do it at our favorite hill. There’s a big tree on the hill. The engraving that we did almost 50 years ago is still visible ‘til today.[/i] “C+E Forever”. [i]I engraved it with a pocket knife on our first Valentine as a happily married couple. Ellie always giggle when we talk about our life by then. That did bring our nostalgic and sentimental yet romantic life back in the time.
We always lay on the ground – sometimes fall asleep together – watching the sky, the clouds or the birds. Sometimes I played her “Can’t Help Falling In Love” with guitar. We too capture our moments together. Ellie always bring the camera everywhere we go. That’s quite an adventure to her I guess. But I just can’t wait for today’s evening. I will give her the best present of her whole life! I’m trying to imagine how she would react with that. Everything has going with the right plan. I got the tickets, the picnic plan is nearly accomplished and I just leave to God that everything is going as I planned.[/i]
5.30 pm
We’re getting ready for picnicking. Ellie has prepared the food and snacks, and I have prepared for the surprise. I giggled when I imagining how Ellie will react. Probably she’ll go berserk. While waiting for Ellie, I’m going to warm the car engine. Wow. My red Cadillac is sure quite old. I could barely remember how old it is. If I could recall it, it’s nearly 50 years the car had serving us. Then I think of Ellie, what takes her so long?
5.45 pm
[i]We’re arrived at the park. Surprisingly, there are no many people at the park. Just a few of elderly couple celebrating Valentine’s – including us. I help Ellie with the picnic basket. As I planned – I’ll put the tickets in the basket and then ask Ellie to give me a prune juice. We walk towards the hill while we holding hands. Ellie give me a weak smile and I hug her by my side. Then, Ellie kiss me on the cheek. I thought to myself that I have accomplished everything in my life but one: An adventure for Ellie.
A few more steps, we will reach the hill. I am running to climb the hill and left Ellie behind. Ellie always beat me with this race. And embarrassingly said I never win a single of it. Wow. My heart pumped really fast. I’m old though. I’m not capable to this anymore. I giggle. I reach the hill and shouted to Ellie. Encouraging her to move faster.[/i] “C’mon sweetheart! You can do better than that! And I’m winning!” Then…I can’t believe my eyes… ”Ellie! Ellie! ELLIE!!!”
Yay, new chapter! Again, I like your little touches: Ellie always taking the camera everywhere, Carl carving their initials in the tree on the hill. You have a nice sense of them and their relationship. And I like how you wrote the climb up the hill, with Carl teasing Ellie then realizing something’s wrong.
I’m going to give you a couple of small critiques this time, I hope you don’t mind. When you mention them lying on the floor - a “floor” is indoors; I think you’re thinking of them lying on the ground.
Also, in the US, February is in the winter, and the sun goes down pretty early in most places here (like between 5 & 6 pm), so the picnic might more likely be earlier in the day.
Thanks karly05! Gotta change the ‘floor’ stuff.
As for the timing, I kinda thought that too, but I really want it to be an ‘interesting’ scenes. I hope it worth your wait though!
The next part would be the last. And I really hoping that I have much more time to re-read and edit the story to perfect it.
And I’ll take those critiques as a learning progress. (jotting down something 5-6, in the US, hmm…night. Got it.)
Again, thanks! It’s been a week now, I can’t wait for your next fan fic!
Wannabechef, I liked the “What takes her so long?” line; seems like the grumpy, post-Ellie Carl is creeping in. I also loved the prune juice reference! And I didn’t know Carl could play guitar!
And it only have 4 parts. So it’s kinda a short story.
And the bit about Carl giving her her first kiss, and not knowing if she would like it - that would make a great scene in itself (like a memory/flashback).
Good luck with the last part, but I must point out to everyone else, if it’s what I think it is, expect some rather major spoilers (I’d use tags chef)