TDIT's Cars crossover fanfic - 24: The Race Against Time

We’ll see… :wink:

Facepalms Gaaah! :~o Right under my nose and I didn’t spot it! :angry: I guess you need to have some mistakes pointed out to you before you can see them. Thanks for telling me, I’ll correct it now.

To anyone who’s watching this, look out for the next action-packed hour, coming out this week! (Hopefully)

Alright, so I thought that the review I posted (and, just a minute ago, deleted) wasn’t too nice, so I thought I give your chapter another shot and see how I it reflects on me.

As I said, it gets kinda confusing sometimes. Being ignorant of many car models, not to mention their serial numbers, I could not really picture the cars in my head when I read their names. For example…

The first one, the beige 1970 VAZ-2101. I couldn’t figure out what that looked like till I did a Google search. After that, because it came out as an orange car under the same name (save the ‘beige’), I had to picture it in a beige-tinted color with the rusted body and a paint job that’s about to come off (I couldn’t think of a better term to describe this :-\). The availability of the descriptions of the last few aspects I mentioned (beige color, rusted body, etc.) were nice, but there still wasn’t any description of its shape, curves, special trademarks (in appearance), etc.

Then there’s the Lada. I couldn’t confirm if you were referring to the VAZ-2101, because I don’t know what a ‘Lada’ is; probably another ‘car-term’ that which most of them I’m not familiar with at all.

Other than that, I like how you portrayed the VAZ-2101 as a criminal that had retired from the Soviet Union, a party that had appeared quite many times in the James Bond novels. Also, I like how you turned the car into a major criminal-like character similar to Le Chiffre (illegal trading, anyone?), even if he was trading arms and weapons rather than… bank accounts.

Next, we have the Pierre, who had also fallen under your impression that everyone knows how a Peugeot 405 would look like. Naturally, I don’t, especially when I have yet to Google it.

Again, I like your use of words here. Even though it makes me squelch at how good the sentences regarding Pierre’s back story looks like (in terms of professionalism) with hefty jealousy, I couldn’t quite help myself to rewrite this review and tell you how well you have portrayed the voice of the narrator (I was imagining Judi Dench’s ‘M’ being the voice).

I like the dialogue, a lot. You made their lines look official and very realistic, something I don’t think I could quite display in my fan fics.

Jack reminded me of Jack Travin (Keanu Reeves’ character in [i:n4hp4okj]Speed[/i:n4hp4okj]), one of my favorite ‘cop characters.’

And after all of that, it comes down to the tunnel scene, where more cars unknown to me in terms of appearance appeared from here and there, leaving me quite confused, especially when I had to picture the vehicle mounting the AK-47 onto himself.

However, you did a superb job with the use of words later on. ‘Ricochet’ is one I could barely speed without the help of a dictionary and the Firefox spell checker. The use of similes helped - a lot. I love how you used the one with the tin can.

So, yeah, there are many things in the chapter I’m quite fond of using myself (but unfortunately ends up having my stories in their current state today), and there are quite a number of details that caused a slight downfall in it. However, you did quite a good job overall.


Go read the spoilers in my foreword, would you? I spent a long time typing those. :P

Ah… finally! Thank you for your detailed analysis, wboon! Allow me to address each of your concerns:

You know what, I agree with you on that point. I wrongly assumed that the reader knew what model I was talking about when not everyone is a car nut. I should have described the looks and features in more detail. Thanks for the advice!

Lada’s the brand. VAZ-2101 is the model. Lada’s a fairly common Russian car used in poor Eastern European countries. You know that beige car Angelina Jolie drove to chase the train in Wanted? That’s the VAZ-2101, the exact make and model of my fan-made character. Just a silent wink for my automobile enthusiasts. :wink:

Now that I think about it, he does bear some similarities to Le Chiffre. Subliminal inspiration, perhaps?

They’re the police cars that the French gendarmes use. Just Wiki “French Police Car” or “French Police” and the image you’ll see is how it looks like.

Why thank you!

Belum cuba, belum tahu. (Never try, never know)

It’s Jack Traven with an ‘e’. Although he’s not exactly my favourite ‘cop character’ (Willis’ John McClane in Die Hard, Murphy’s Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop, Eastwood’s Harry Callahan in Dirty Harry) and Smith’s Mike Lowrey in Bad Boys are my picks), Speed is my most favourite action-movie of all time, and one of my top ten films. I have never seen a film with this much action crammed into it, and the pace is relentless (it’s a speeding bus after all!). But Jack Bauer from TV show 24 is a different kind of cop. His means to an end can be…questionable, unlike Keanu’s straightforward “stop-the-unquestionably-bad-guy-save-the-day” approach.

The BJ 212 are military jeeps used by China. Peterbilts are a fairly common truck semi used in America. As for the mounting of the gun, I already thought about that, but I didn’t explain it in the story. Remember Ramon’s paint spray gun? It was held by a loop attached to his hubcap. Just watch any of the scenes where he spray paints his fence or Lightning and you should get a general idea of how cars hold a gun. This goes for pistols, SMGs, and rifles (after all, humans can also hold a rifle in one hand, though it’s not practical). I’m not quite sure how they pull the trigger or reload the magazine, but I’ll work it out and explain it in further detail in a later chapter (I can have Jack teach one of the cars how to handle a firearm).

For anyone else besides my S’porean colleague who doesn’t know, it’s the deflection of bullets upon hitting a hard surface like a wall or floor. And that’s my own definition of it, I didn’t have to Wiki that. I’m such a show-off. :stuck_out_tongue:

Thank your for the detailed review. I’m glad it got a 8.5. From the looks of it, you just read the pilot. Did you know the second chapter is already out? It’s a continuation from Jack’s convoy ambush. There’s a lot more action in the second episode, just look for 7:00 AM-8:00 AM under the Chapters dropdown menu. Be sure to read that and tell me what you think! :smiley:

Anyone else wants to give their two cents? Better yet if you can give me a dollar. :slight_smile:

I read it like I promised I would! So here’s my comments: You are an excellent writer, no surprise there. Based on your helpful comments on my fanfic I was expecting good writing from you so no complaints there. I have one complaint though. Why does everybody always have these therioes that McQueen and Sally just stay friends?! It’s not really a complaint actually but I don’t understand why I find this to be the case in so many fanfics. I guess what I’m really wondering is why you chose to create that type of relationship between them? There is nothing wrong with it, I’m just curious about the reasons behind it. I’m glad you are including her in the story though. The other thing I want to say is I really liked this line:

. LOL that’s kind of random tid bit of information but it made me smile. I would have never thought about that!

Because he feels as though Lightning hasn’t completely changed,and Sally would do better with Mater.Because Lightning isn’t a OMG!A “Good Guy”…TDIT has always been pro-anti-Lightning/Sally :stuck_out_tongue: …being honest with you even though everybody has their opinions I’m not gonna lie it’s very annoying :confused: …same thing with that other stupid(not that your Fic is stupid TDIT,I’m just sayin…) Mater/Sally fic…throws darts at computer

Please quote selectively instead of the entire post, thanks! :slight_smile: - TDIT

LOL, I have no problem with people not thinking Sally and McQueen are a good pair I’m just wondering why they truly feel that way. And Mater+Sally…ummm…WHAT?! That would never work out! :~o

It is no surprise that you’re a great writer, TDIT. Just from reading your introductions leading up to the story on this thread grabbed my full attention! :open_mouth: Based on the first conversation with Sally, Mater, and Lightning; I thought that you portray the Cars characters so well. They’re so in-character and believable. Same with the DRH (who we didn’t get see much of in the movie) but I could definitely picture them and what’s happening in the story. Your writing has a sort of flow that many other fanfiction writers haven’t achieved, it just reads as completely professional and thoughtful. Jack, still cool as ever and I see you didn’t fail to use his favorite word. :wink: I like how you go back between what’s happening in Radiator Springs and in the desert. It gives it more of that omnipresent feel, you know? And the clock ticking-cool touch! It is not 24 unless that clock is ticking. :wink: Now that this Lada is actually in R.Springs, I’m looking forward to actually seeing what will occur. Bottom line, I love it! :smiley: