The Truth About Micheal Bay's Transformers

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 12, 2009, 12:55pm

With the sequel coming in just about a month or so, there are a few questions that haunt me. Is it going to be better than the first one? Will it actually have transformers talking to and fighting with each other? Or will it be goofy gags, shots of Megan Fox’s abs and Shia stuttering “no,no,no,no,no,no,no” every 10 minutes? Let us uncover the truth that many TF fan wannabes had seemingly ignored for so long. Let us be reminded of the shallowness that is Micheal Bay’s Transformers movie franchise.

Like every other ‘Generation X’ kid who grew up watching it, and ‘Generation Y’ fans that rediscovered it, I’m sure many of you had always fantasize what a live action Transformers movie would look like. Now it’s finally a reality, and while my main reaction to the movie had been, “Holy freaking crap! That looks awesome!” there’s a part of me that thinks, it doesn’t seem true enough to the cartoon. So let’s take some time to review the movie and prepare ourselves before we go to the theaters so we’ll not be unpleasantly surprised, because if there’s anything to be learned from the Transformers, it’s that we should always look deeper, because there’s always more than meets the eye.

Transformers: The In-Depth Movie Review

Not a lot of fans were happy with the choice of Micheal ‘Bad Boys’ Bay as the director of this beloved childhood rite of passage. In a perfect world, this:

Transformers
A Micheal Bay Film

would had look like this

Transformers
A JAMES CAMERON Film

Now that would have totally rocked, and while Mr. Bay don’t have the story and character skills of Mr. Cameron, it’s hard to argue the fact the he knows how to turn tire squeals and engine churn into a connective symphony of rubber and metal. He wants the visual to rock us.

Let’s see what he’s talking about (note the Starscream transformation in the middle of the clip):
youtube.com/watch?v=ZWYatHRo … D&index=11

Holy crap. Let’s see that again in slow motion!

Can’t argue with that. So in terms of the direction, I was sold. But what about the story?

cue the old '80s Transformers animated series theme song

That’s how the 1996 movie began, with a cool, tough, deep-toned narrator voice, telling us that the Transformers were already at war, and in only 20 minutes, Optimus and Megatron were fighting to the death. So what did I expect from the 2007 movie?

Both writers (Bob Orci and Alex Kurtzman, both co-writers of Mission: Impossible III and The Island’s screen play, with Alex also being writer and executive producer of Alias) were fans of the original show, and combined, have a solid track record for writing action with Sci-Fi elements. The major factors in making Transformers live action would be removing all the illogical cartoon physics that plagued the original show. Once you get over the nostalgia, you’d realize Transformers doesn’t place much concerns over logic.

Just to name a few things:

How does Megatron transform into a gun that 1/100 its original size? Thankfully, the writers of the new movie had probably seen Terminator 2.

How does Soundwave have room for all those tapes,
how is Astrotrain able to transform into a train that’s big enough to hold everyone else, even a fully formed Devastator, whom we TF fans know is freaking huge,
and of course, where the heck does Optimus Prime’s trailer go when he transforms?

Only kids crack out on Lucky Charms cereal don’t notice this kind of obvious crap, so I was all the more for logical Transformers. But I couldn’t quite help wonder, why are there so many human characters in a movie about robots? What the heck?!

cue '80s Transformers theme song

In the 1986 movie,

Decepticons come to Earth in an Autobot ship,
then the two sides laser-blast each other all night,
then Optimus shows up in a ship,
then Megatron, who’s now Galvatron, shows up with a handful of other ships,
and finally, the Autobots escape by blasting off into outer-space,

all without being detected by any advanced military defense system, which again, is illogical, because as we all know, in 1986, the US had WOPR, which could deploy planes, troops, missiles, and play Tic Tag Toe.

Now while it does make sense to have more human interaction in the new movie, doesn’t it seem a little light on the robot side? Just to put some numbers out there, the 1986 movie had speaking roles for two humans and over 50 Transformers - Micheal’s movie is the opposite, 50 humans, and only 13 Transformers.

And speaking of speaking, the only original voice actor that returned was Peter Cullen, AKA Optimus Prime. Megatron was voiced by Hugo Weaving. Yes, that’s right - Agent Smith.

What the heck?!

cue '80s Transformers theme song

The voice of Barricade was Keith David, and Starscream, originally played by Chris Latta, who’s also known as Cobra Commander, had an all new voice actor, because sadly, Chris died in 1994, which brings up the question, why not use Frank Welker, the original Megatron? He’s alive and well, and interestingly enough, was voicing Megatron in the Transformers video game based on the live action movie.

Apparently, after auditioning for the new movie, he was told his voice didn’t fit Megatron’s new design. No duh he doesn’t fit.

That’s supposed to be Megatron?!

cue '80s theme song

Now obviously, to maker the Transformers look realistic, the robot designs had to be a little more intricate, but couldn’t they had at least made them look a little more like their cartoon selves, especially with their faces?

Optimus is the perfect example:
Then

and now.

His body looks like his real truck and robot form, and his face look like his classic self. An overall great job - minus the red flames. And while the bodies of the other Transformers look live action accurate, their faces are horrible. Why do they all look like robot spiders? With the way they all look, if you take Optimus out of the movie, there’s not a whole lot that looks ‘Transformer-ly.’

It could be called, “Super Morphing Outerspace Fighting Robots” and nobody would be able to tell the difference. It would be a perfectly good, CGI, action, sci-fi robot movie on its own. It’s missing too many classic characters:

Devastator,
The Dinobots,
The Insecticons,
and of course, everyone’s favorite, Soundwave, who would definitely be redesigned and would probably ended up looking like this:

So why call it Transformers if the materials’ being changed so drastically? Probably because the name has a huge built-in audience, and that’s gonna equal huge freaking profits.

cue theme song

Screenwriter William Goldman once said, “Nobody in Hollywood knows anything,” essentially meaning that for any given project, no matter the stars, the director, budget, or buzz, box office failure is always a possibility. But the last nine years have altered that wisdom. Now it goes: “Nobody knows anything, except trilogies are guaranteed to make a freaking load of money.”

Imagine, knowing that every two years that at least one of your projects will make 200 to 400 million dollars worldwide so then, trilogy-worthy concept is Hollywood’s Genie in a bottle, which grants three insanely profitable movies. And searching for this ‘Trilogy Genie’ had given rise to a new trend called the “Reboot,” which basically means discarding all previous continuity of an established series and starting over from the beginning. This allows for recycling of old, forgotten, and out-of-touch franchises to start fresh.

That’s why Transformers had been rebooted, 'coz the studio wanted to appeal to two large segment of its audience: Die hard fans and those who don’t know much about it, but still want to see it because it looks cool. And appealing to a huge audience becomes even more important when trying to create a franchise, so that’s why many of the popular characters had to be held back from the first movie so that there will be something new to advertise in the sequels to make audiences come back for more.

So, be aware that these two movies are Act 1 and 2 of a 3-act trilogy, and Act 1 must introduce all the characters, establish the conflict, and hint those elements that will appear in future sequels, which caused much impatience to the die-hard fans, because they wanted to get to the transforming, and the robot-fighting.

The Dragon of Omnipotency rates Transformers

Worthy of big screen viewing, on a weekend night, in a packed theater.
No matter how many times you see the previews, your reactions are always Holy Crap That Looks Awesome.
It’s a Special Effects Lover’s Wet Dream, and
it’s a creation of a Trilogy Syndrome.

End of Part 1 of review. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Vekoma · June 12, 2009, 2:28pm

The whole problem with transformers the movie (not the animated ne but the live action one)
Was indeed that it was coping with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many sideplot characters who all needed screen time. Those “hackers” where just put in the movie for comic relief and some more T 'n A shots and those sector seven goons were pretty useless and not really usefull to the story too.
Altough the soldiers were important to show how unsuccesfull the normal militairy is against the decepticons they also went way over the top with their stories

‘I need a creditcard!’ as shouted in the middle of a battlefield, yeah yeah very funny now get to the part where transformers are about HUGE ROBOTS TRANSFORMING AND FIGHTING EACH OTHER!

I am hoping for a better T2 movie, it has Devastator in it, and from the screens I have seen it looks pretty awesome

The old one (awesome as ever but not fitting in the more realistic made new robots.

Now looks like a real monster ready to tear up whole cities.

Oh and I am soooooooo going to buy this one!

Yes that is a devatator formed out of seperate combind transformers who all have their own robot and vehicle mode

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 12, 2009, 2:38pm

What?! Is that Megatron’s face? So I guess he has yet to be turned into Galvatron, then? Or maybe the studio felt the whole idea of Unicron turning Megatron into Galvatron being too silly? And why does Devastator’s face now looks like he’s the green light off a traffic light, not to mention that his face still looks like that of a robot spider.

Also, isn’t the ‘current’ Devastator just a little bit too colorful? I mean, the original version has a really ‘construction vehicle’ look, giving it some symbolic depth as to its function. But now, with the current version, it looks like it came out of the latest season of Power Rangers. What the heck?

Sorry if I sounded a little bit cynical, I just want to establish all my worries regarding the sequel. After all, the first movie’s only nomination was for Achievement in Sound Editing, Achievement in Sound Mixing, and Achievement in Visual Effects. Sure, it looked good, but do the characters’ appearances bore any logical elements? Would the Transformers that we know and love appear as something the kids could pun with The Spiderwick Chronicles?

Vekoma · June 12, 2009, 2:57pm

Well its not usual to find all those different sorts of construction vehicles to all be in the same colour, besides I think it is rather fitting this way. It shows a bit more of the psychotic beast that devastator will be in the movie.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 12, 2009, 3:10pm

Yes, but if you want to form a gigantic beast to fight your enemy in war, would you have spent time looking everywhere for construction vehicles of various colors, models and designs instead of searching a local construction site that most probably consisted of a single design of construction vehicles?

I’ll admit it does bear a more fearsome appearance, but its bright colors still annoys me. In times of war, colors that would camouflage the vehicles are chosen to deceive the enemy. Even though it’s true that the original Devastator was a ruthless, reckless beast that would charge at anything like a wrathful bull, it makes little sense to adorn the live action Devastator in such eye-catching hues. Unless you are to say Devastator turns out to have some sort of poison, and thus, its colors are used in warning its enemies of that dangerous aspect of it. But, as I said, Devastator was a ruthless animal. Do you think he would have wanted to ‘warn’ his enemies of anything… at all?

So, if his colors weren’t designed to warn anyone of anything, what are their purposes? To look pretty despite Devastator’s barbaric nature?

Also, I would hope to see that the Constructicons that formed Devastator to also be hostile towards one another, just like the original Constructicons were. Besides, having them fighting with one another before having them working with one another when combined into Devastator was the point of Devastator - that even though the Constructicons are intelligent beings who can’t seem to cooperate with themselves, combining into a thickheaded animal that doesn’t think, ironically, would render them to work with each other to destroy anything in their path. Hopefully, Micheal Bay has thought of that and discussed it, at the very least.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 12, 2009, 5:57pm

Part 2 starts here.

Hey, Pixar Planet, welcome to Part 2 of my review. This part would be slightly longer than the first one, but I hope you would bear with me, and I hope that by the end of this review, you would have taken your own notes as you read and question before posting your replies. What do you think about the criticisms and suggestions made? Talk to one another in this thread about this.

After all, Transformers was made because market research showed a high audience demand for it, so if it was made because of the fans and for the fans, why can’t the next sequel be made by the fans or their suggestions at least? We are in a movie democracy, so why not be active members of it?

And just to be clear, this isn’t a “Let’s dump a hateful crap on Transformers” review. I really enjoy the movie overall, but when you consider the budget, all the talented film-makers involved, and every aspect of the production, you can’t help but wonder, why it didn’t replace Citizen Kane as the No. 1 movie on the AFI 100 List?

Just having Transformers being live action with some great CGI and exciting action sequences isn’t enough. What about having a great story that’s logical, where every character is motivated and 3-dimensional? Why couldn’t Transformers be like Lord of the Rings, The Matrix, or Spider-Man 2, with tons of amazing, groundbreaking CGI and ultra-imaginative visuals, but at its core, a solid story, with great characters and emotions that any human being, regardless of race, creed, and age, could relate to, enjoy, and be touched by because it explored not only the limits of the cinematic medium, but the contradictions of being human, of calling each other Decepticons and Autobots, but essentially being Transformer, of knowing you were created from the same source, the same Spark, from which all of you came, and yet failing to let that truth influence your existence, because the greed of power and control are too great for some, while courage and nobility are causes instinctively championed by others.

It’s time to give Transformers some tough love for now, so the final sequel won’t repeat the original (and possibly the second movie)'s mistakes while addressing its misopportunities. Wouldn’t it be great if Transformers 2 was nominated for Best Picture, or at the very least, was better than the original? Will if dethrone the current ‘Godfather 2’ of Sci-Fi sequels, The Empire Strikes Back?

Speaking of the ‘Empire,’ when reading the critiques that follow, keep in mind that classic scene when Darth reveals he’s Luke’s father, Luke screams “No,” and Darth says,

That’s what we’re gonna do today. This isn’t about forcing an opinion, it’s about raising some questions, and when you consider them to yourselves honestly without nonsense and denial, when you search your feelings, you might just know the answers that follow to be true.

Hopefully, at the very least, this will start a discussion that potentially leads fans to influencing the soon-to-be trilogy, which their enthusiasm and demand was responsible for creating.

So, let’s begin.

In the beginning, the Dreamworks logo fades in, and the Transformers sound effects begin. This was a fun moment to be a part of in the theater, especially when packed with a lot of fans. There were a lot of cheers and claps as soon as the sounds teased everyone through the speakers. What was interesting was that the Paramount logo was next. It faded in with some more sound effects, and it almost sounded ‘Decepticon-ish,’ so you have this Dreamworks’ Autobots and Paramount’s Decepticons relationship kind of portray.

Just to mention, this is something that you see a lot of in movies nowadays - co-production of films. It more than likely began with Titanic around 1997. That was one of the first movies to have a 200 million budget. Co-producing is popular because as it sounds, if the movie flops, each studio doesn’t lose as much money. So, pay attention to the opening credits of any movie, particularly Pixar movies (which have been co-producing their films with Walt Disney Pictures). You can learn a lot about that film’s production in this way.

So, after the opening logos fade out, we get the first official “This is freaking awesome” moment of the movie; the voice of Optimus providing a little back-story to get us oriented. It’s also the first aspect of the film that could had used a rewrite. Why? Because if you notice later, this is repeated in the middle of the movie, when Optimus explains to Sam and the hotty how the Cybertron wars began. It ‘one-ups’ the opening because it shows what the other says, and as we all know, movies are primarily a visual medium, so if the choice is between showing the audience and telling them, always choose the visual.

So why do the back-story twice? Why not just start the movie with the Transformers at war on Cybertron showing the cube getting lost on outer-space, and showing that both sides know it’s going to Earth? Wouldn’t it have been better just to start off with that ‘Big Bang,’ with Megatron and all the Decepticons fighting Optimus and all the Autobots, thus introducing everybody that will be in the rest of the movie right off the bat?

The way it is now, we see Megatron in the flashback around the middle of the film for like five seconds and then towards the end with like 30 minutes left. Couldn’t this have been structured like Saving Private Ryan with an amazing opening battle that puts us in the middle of the action, bonds us with the characters, informs us of the story, and sets up a book-end final battle that compliments the opening and means more to everyone because we’ve been through a two hour journey with these characters? Keep that in mind, and we’ll discuss it again a little later.

Every movie uses its first act to basically establish all the horses that are going to be in the two hour movie race, or to show us all their trains on their individual tracks heading towards each other, promising a collision of drama, and in this case, action and groundbreaking special effects. Hence, the soldiers in the beginning are to be established. And apparently, all we were told about the four soldiers in the plane bound to arrive in the military site was that Amaury Nolasco’s character, Jorge “Fig” Figueroa loves alligator meat and speaking Spanish, Zack Ward’s character, Donnelly is from Boston because he loves the Red Socks, Tyrese Gibson’s character, Robert Epps loves his iPod, and Josh Duhamel’s character, William Lennox has a daughter. That was pretty much all we were going to find out about them for the next 120 minutes, even though they are involved in a number of scenes throughout the movie, a sign that the action was more important than the characters to the film-makers.

Ask yourself: When Scorponok was attacking those soldiers in the later scenes, did you honestly feel afraid for them? Probably not, because you haven’t had enough time to get to know them, and that can distance the audience from a movie, when the characters feel like strangers instead of family.

If you had paid attention, you would notice that the sun was setting pretty fast. By the time Blackout reaches the base, it was totally dark. I know it is a nitpicking detail, but really, how long did that approach take?

Coming up was the moment we’ve all been waiting for; a live action transformation on a 70 foot screen, so it’s great that some quality robot morphing opens up the movie right away, because one fear I had going in, that was generated by rumor, that the ratio of robot-to-human screen-time was 20:80. It turned out almost right, but it’s more like 35:65. However, after this initial attack, it’s gonna be like 30 minutes of all-human scenes, not counting Bumblebee in car-form.

So let’s ask a question, wouldn’t this opening sequence had been better if all the Decepticons who were already on Earth were in it? This way, you could establish Starscream as the leader of the Decepticons in the place of Megatron, get them interacting with each other, convey their personalities, reveal their relationships, and create an audience bond by establishing them as the main opposition. This intro would work the same way that helicopter scene with the four soldiers did - establishing who these people were and how we the audience should feel about them. We need the Decepticons interacting and talking about robot baseball, arguing about speaking ‘Decepticonese,’ and anxious to see a recent addition to the robot family. This was totally missed and all we have is a transforming helicopter with no personality. Sure, it looks cool, and makes you choke on your popcorn and implodes your drink, but it leaves no emotional residence. In a movie that claims, “There’s more than meets the eye,” why does it feel that the tagline should had been, “What you see is what you get.”

An interesting choice was made known to me upon encountering the first transforming scene of the movie: The camera was placed behind the jeep while the transformation was occurring, showing hints and flashes of the transformation before it cut to some other random soldiers. And after a few more seconds of unclear glimpses of his appearance, we won’t be seeing Blackout for another good hour or so (not counting the few more times we’ll be seeing him in a couple of minutes for a couple of seconds), which kind of sucks crap smeared on a donkey’s butt.

And that’s it for this sequence. All we see after that were tanks blowing, soldiers running, and machine-gun fire, but where is Blackout? It’s almost like the CGI budget was too low, or they didn’t have enough time to create all the shots they wanted, so they had to use that old time movie monster trick where you can’t show the whole monster, so you shows its hands, and you cut to the people that it’s attacking. In essence, all we saw was the effect of the attack instead of the attacker himself.

It’s time to get a little bit frustrated.

Let’s be clear here. The first transformation here is the money shot of the movie, and it was missed. Imagine that moment in Jurassic Park when we get to see CGI dinosaurs for the first time. Spielberg films it perfectly - slowly, with a nice wide shot so the visual miracle can leave us in awe. That’s how this moment should have played, by letting us see it all, not flashes here and there. We don’t want jittery cameras and cutaways. Unfortunately, this establishes a pattern for the rest of the movie. This is one area that needs to be fixed in the sequel: Stay on the Transformers. Let us see it ALL.

After a while, Scorponok would be deployed from Blackout’s body for some reason. Why? Why did Scorponok have to be let loose? Because he has to chase the survivors later, even though at the time of his deploy, nobody knows if there would be any survivors. Not Blackout, and not even the soon-to-be survivors. The only ones that know are: THE FILMMAKERS Scorponok was deployed because the filmmakers wanted that way; not because it’s logical for the story, but because they need an action sequel later in the movie. I would have believed maybe Scorponok was deployed because he was going underground to cut the wire of the computer core. But no. He’s let loose because the script needs an action sequence in like 25 minutes after his deployment.

Another note for Transformers 3:
Please make sure the characters are motivated by the logic of the scene, by the needs and driven conflict of all characters in that moment. Let this struggle leads to decisions that are simultaneously exciting, unpredictable, and logical.

The second storyline starts with Sam Witwicky, and the cliched action movie hot girl who’s not as shallow as she seemed if you get to know her, and give her a chance to demonstrate hidden skills that would somehow assist in saving the day later in the story.

At this point, doesn’t she seem too sympathetic? The way she looks at Sam made it seem like she knew who he is, and that she kinda likes him, which makes no sense at this point, because later, she asked him if he’s new in school.

Also, this doesn’t give her character much room to grow. Maybe she should have been given a larger distance to travel in terms of personal growth. She should have started as a ‘Mean Girls/Devil Wears Prada’ stuck-up jerk.

More than likely, this character was sold short because market research data showed that mainly teenage boys would be going to see this, regardless of their intellectual values, and in the world of stereotype, the only female characteristics they care about are the T&A.

We also get Sam’s great grandfather flashback that reveals nothing of importance. It just looked cool. Later, in the extended flashback, something essential to the story will be revealed and therefore, justifying a trip back in time. As for Sam’s intro, we understood that he’s just a teenager that wants to get the girls, and the only way to do that was by getting a car. He’s kinda funny and likable enough, so that worked well. But, he too doesn’t have much room to grow as a character, not that every main character needs to grow in every movie, but with him being a teenager and all, it seems that this would had been a perfect time to expose him to an adventure that changes who he is by leading him to the destiny of who he’s supposed to become.

Ask yourself: What would Star Wars had been like if Luke hadn’t grown as a person? What if he had stayed the same the whole movie, if his hero’s journey was removed, and the film was just a collection of groundbreaking effects? Star Wars would not have become a cultural phenomenon and lasted 30 years.

The filmmakers here know that Sam should grow, and they gave him a symbolic line to repeat every now and then: No sacrifice, no victory. But do you really feel it means something to him when he says it?

By comparison, look at the first Spider-Man. When Peter Parker says, “With great power comes great responsibility,” you’re emotionally affected by it, because you know what it means to him, especially after his irresponsibility leads to the death of his uncle - the man who told him those very words. Unfortunately, this gravity and emotional connection is missing from Transformers.

This early scenes in Sam’s class is also a perfect example where the movie goes for the comedy instead of staying focused in the dramatic roots of the story. Just in general: Comedy should always come from the conflict of characters fighting for what they want. The clash of unique personalities is what creates comedy, but the goals of each character should never be neglected or betrayed just to go for a joke.

Here, Sam’s goal was to get a car, Sam’s dad’s goal was to save money, Bernie Mac’s goal was to sell a car and make a lot of money, and Bumblebee’s goal was what? To become Sam’s protector and find out where the glasses are. So how did Bumblebee pursue and fight for this goal, which supposedly was a race against the clock? He uses his door to knock over the VW Bug that’s next to him, a homage to the original Bumblebee design from the Generation I cartoon, and he turns up his radio and blows out all the other car windows on the lot.

Yeah, it’s funny, but come on, it’s ridiculous. So how could this have been done a little bit better? Let’s consider some ideas as an alternate take to the beginning of the movie. I shall post mine in Part 3, so stay tuned.

Vekoma · June 12, 2009, 7:07pm

Awesome thoughts and well written, I am in kind of a hurry right now but Ill post my thoughts on the movie tonight.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 12, 2009, 8:56pm

Part 3
Hey there. Thanks for reading so far.

Okay, so like Terminator 1, where the rebel good guy (Kyle Reese) knows what Sarah Connor looks like, but the Terminator doesn’t, the Autobots here have an advantage over the Decepticons. They know who Sam is, and they know that Sam has the glasses. That should have been shown at the beginning, connected with the opening suggested in Part 2, where we already see the war on Cybertron, which eventually leads to the here and now, but show that the Decepticons deciding to go after the government information to locate the Allspark while the Autobots go after Sam and the glasses.

Bumblebee should have been able to talk. It almost seems certain that the only reason they made Bumblebee mute is because if he was able to speak, the story and action would have moved too fast, and that would’ve altered where the so-called ‘story tent-poles’ would have been located. The Autobots would have had to arrive on Earth earlier, Megatron would have been set free earlier, and the whole structure would’ve been altered. With Bumblebee silent, it seems logical that he has a hard time telling Sam what he is and what he needs. Due to this, the story was able to move a little bit slower.

Now, what if the car-buying scene started the same way, but once Sam got into the car, Bumblebee took off, kidnapping him? Bernie Mac and Sam’s dad would think he stole the car. Bernie Mac would turn to Sam’s dad and they would stare at each other, and Bernie would say something funny. Then you cut back to the car. Bumblebee, able to talk, tells Sam what he is and what he wants - the glasses - and he wants them right now, because why would he wait around and play these nonsensical dating games for Sam if it’s a race against the clock. But, don’t make it easy, so Sam doesn’t believe him, and Bumblebee knows the only way to convince him is to show him the truth. So, he takes him to the junkyard and transforms. It’s a nice wide shot so that we could see the transformation clearly. As a result, Sam becomes a believer. He confirms he has the glasses, and Bumblebee gives the signal to call the Autobots to Earth. Basically the same scene that happens a little later, but now, it has a logical reason for existing.

As of it is in the movie now, Bumblebee has no real motivation to call all the Autobots to Earth, but I’ll discuss about this a little bit later.

So, continuing with the suggested rewrite. Bumblebee says “Let’s go,” but Sam isn’t ready to give Bumblebee the glasses. He wants to use Bumblebee to get something first - again, don’t make anything easy for anybody. So we cut to Megan Fox and her football boyfriend and their friends chatting at the school parking lot, or the park, or wherever, standing next to the Hummer. Sam pulls up stunt car driver style, screeching and doing donuts, and he challenges the football guy to a race or something. If Sam wins, he gets to take Megan out on a date. But since it’s a Hummer, the football guy probably says no, he doesn’t want to race. He uses the car to impress people, not to win races with, and he’s not impressed with Sam’s beat-up car that can do donuts, until Sam gives the signal, and Bumblebee transforms. Maybe he can destroy the Hummer or smash it or something, pick it up.

We cut to the next scene which is Megan in Sam’s car, and maybe she’s saying a line like, “So, what is this? Japanese or something?” and still keep her sort of a hotty snob appearance at this point. She needs room to grow. There’s a reason she’s been with this cliched jock character up until this moment. And remember, the robots don’t have to be the only characters that transform in the movie. Why not have some transformation of character?

Then comes the first scene at the Pentagon. At this moment, Transformers adheres to Movie Cliche #15: Any females who knows anything about computers has to be a hotty.

Next, the scene where Mojo is first introduced. This is funny and quirky, and we meet Sam’s parents and everything, but ultimately, it doesn’t moves the story forward. Bumblebee is still mute, and there’s no progression towards any kind of goal. This is a still scene. If we continue with the alternate rewritten story idea, Sam would be here to get the glasses and give them to Bumblebee, with Megan Fox in the car.

Another nitpicky observation here is that when Sam starts the car, there’s all these smoke. It’s definitely funny, but it would have to mean that Bumblebee purposely let all these smoke loose, because in reality, it’s not a beat-up piece of a crap car, so why would Bumblebee let all that gas go? Is he letting loose a big Transformer fart on Sam’s dad? If that’s the case, then there were some missed closeups of Bumblebee’s reactions to Sam’s dad’s comments. It was probably done just for the comedy, which again, is at the expense of logic.

One interesting choice is that unlike other ‘aliens have invaded Earth’ movies, like Independence Day, Transformers has the Secretary of Defense as the main Washington D.C. character, not the President. This actually works, because all the ‘President’ characters do in those other movies are ask their advisers what they think and say “Yes” or “No,” so why not focus on the character who is giving the advice in the first place, and ultimately makes the decision? This is a nice twist on the usual.

Back to the surviving soldiers. We soon find out why Scorponok is after them. Because sharper image binoculars have recorded image of Blackout, and the soldiers are trying to get back to the Pentagon. Wow. That will ruin the Decepticons’ plans for sure. And again, how did Blackout know to deploy Scorponok because the soldier with the binoculars (Robert Epps), would be one of the survivors?

Let’s return to the scene in the actual movie (not the alternate rewrite) with Bumblebee, Sam, and his tree-climbing friend (Miles, played by John Robinson) going for a drive, because the movie needs to kill some time in between major action sequences. This scene really does nothing to the actual story, and it starts a sequence that ends up throwing away like, seven minutes of ‘there could have been Transformers fighting, or at least talking with each other during this time.’

There’s also another missed opportunity some moments after the scene. This next scene is a setup. The jock boyfriend with the expensive car. It’s just begging to have another scene that pays off when once Sam realizes that his car is a Transformer, these two meet again, and Bumblebee destroys the jock’s car. The jock needs to get pwned later, because he pwns Sam here, but it never happens. The jock who rubberbanded paper in Sam’s face earlier and pwned him here gets away scott-free. Obviously, the romance between Sam and the hotty has to have some time to develop and establish itself. But the story doesn’t have to stop.

How does the romance between Neo and Trinity develop in The Matrix? As the story moves along. Or in the first Terminator? Kyle and Sarah fall in love as they fight to stay alive. Or in Lord of the Rings? Aragorn and Arwen bond as they pursue their goals. Even Han and Leia developed feelings for each other as they battle the Empire. They don’t get a ten minute break to get to know each other. And also, isn’t Bumblebee in a hurry? Doesn’t he know that the Decepticons are on Earth and they’re looking for information that could lead to Sam? Wouldn’t he be worried that maybe they know where Sam is, and that they’re after him right now? Wouldn’t Bumblebee want the glasses as soon as possible? So why is he trying to get Sam some girly action, when he should be providing the audience with Transformers action instead?

And by the way, why does the hotty get angry at the jock when he refuses to let her drive? This isn’t their first date. She knows what kind of character he is, so the things he says and does shouldn’t bother her. She leaves because the filmmakers need her to get on the side of the road, so Sam could pick her up. Wouldn’t it had work better and be a bit more satisfying if Sam had fought for her? If he had done something to make her want to go with him, or at the very least, if she had gone with Sam to make her boyfriend mad, to get him jealous, with an ulterior motive, showing that she can be manipulative. Then, as she spend time with Sam, her feelings could begin to change. With the way it is now, it’s too easy and nice. There’s no complexity to the characters. Where are the shades of gray? Where are the conflicting emotions? Oh, yeah, in the alternate reality of Transformers written and directed by Peter Jackson, or Christopher Nolan, or James Cameron. Here, the hotty gets in the car, and more comedy follows. It’s entertaining and everything, but honestly, how many of us were sitting in the theater wondering when Optimus, Megatron, and the rest of the robots were going to show up again?

Let’s discuss this in the next part. For now, I shall stop here for the morning. I shall continue with Part 4 at another time.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 13, 2009, 3:50pm

Part 4
Hola, welcome to Part 4.

So, as I was discussing, the sequence where Bumblebee tries to hook up Sam with the hotty. When you watched this, did you find yourself losing interest, wondering when the action was going to start, wondering if the hotty was going to show any skin? Again, the problem with this whole sequence is that it basically pauses the whole story, regarding the glasses, the Allspark, and the Decepticons/Autobots battle. The only thing this sequence deals with is Sam and the girl he likes. Again, even Bumblebee, who should have been focusing on the glasses, forgets all about them.

There could be an argument here to defend this sequence that goes something like this:
You have to show these characters growing, to like each other before the action takes over the story.

That’s what this sequence sets up, so you don’t have to worry about them getting to know each other later. This argument assumes that the only time to know someone is when things are calm and quiet, but it’s the opposite that’s true. In the same way as a diamond is formed - by applying pressure - so too do people reveal their true character when things are going bad. Give people a problem to solve or a situation to fix and their true colors will show.

The way the sequence is now in the movie, it’s basically two people talking - not fighting, not in conflict - sort of like sitting in a bar after work talking about their lives. That’s when most people are at their most defensive stage - when they are comfortable and in control. Take that safety away, put them in danger out of their comfort zone, and watch them discover the truth about themselves they didn’t even know.

If anyone’s listened to Micheal Bay’s commentary on the “Special Edition” DVD for Transformers, you might remember him saying, the reason he cast Megan Fox was because she had a nice stomach, which makes one wonder, was that all the filmmakers care about when creating this character.

Conflict to a character in a movie is like floodwater to a basement. Once it happens, you have to throw away all the things you’ve been hiding and clean things out. Drama, conflict, and struggle in movies are like spiritual enemas for the soul of a character, they force them to deal with their emotional stuff. That’s how, most of the time, you know you have shallow characters in a movie if the conflict doesn’t impact them emotionally, because remember, at the start of most movies, characters are in a comfort zone, they have a calm and peace about their situations in life.

A movie is nothing but struggle and conflict, so for any character to take part in a goal-pursuing struggle, it means they’ll have to look inside themselves, find something they didn’t know they had, and release the things about themselves they no longer need.

It’s like Joseph Campbell said, “The journey the hero gets is the one he or she is ready for.” So what’s the journey these two characters, Sam and Mikaela, are ready for? How will dealing with the Transformers transform them?

If this sequence was to be incorporated into the alternate reality version of Transformers that I’ve been developing as I moved along the review, then this sequence would have taken place right after Sam leaves his house with the glasses, and Bumblebee would have been taking them to meet Optimus, with, hopefully, the Decepticons on their trail.

After this entire ‘Bumblebee hooks Sam up with hotty Megan’ sequence, the movie is about to cut back to the third storyline; the pentagon, where the computer hotty with the accent is trying to crack the Decepticon code, and we would notice Frenzy’s infiltration into the computer system.

Then it will cut to Air Force One where the Decepticons are trying to break into the system once again, after their failed attempt earlier, which kinda makes this scene a repeat, so let’s ask a question: What would have happened if the Decepticons had succeeded in getting information the first time? Perhaps the movie would have been moving faster, sooner, but again, because the ‘tent-poles’ of the story structure were set in stone, all these scenes of comedy and romance had to fill in the gaps.

By the way, why didn’t we get to see the Decepticons in a fourth storyline where Blackout reported back to Starscream and everyone else that the mission had failed? Then we could have seen them interacting and, more importantly, see them hatch this scheme to go on Air Force One and steal the information there. But, for some reason, the filmmakers didn’t want the Transformers on screen too much in a movie called, “Transformers.” So, all of that is off-screen, we’re left to imagine what it could have looked like and accept the fact that, “Oh, okay, Frenzy is just on Air Force One already.”

Also, has anyone noticed that Frenzy sort of acts like Spike, the evil Gizmo character from Gremlins.

Now ask yourself, who is your favorite Decepticon? It’s probably Frenzy. You know why? Because he’s the Decepticon that has the most screentime, and as a result, we get to know him. Imagine if Starscream, Barricade, or Devastator had had that opportunity.

Again, another request for Transformers 3:
Please make sure that there’s more robot screentime for both sides.

Okay, since Frenzy’s a boombox in the movie, let’s talk about Soundwave. As we know, Frenzy is one of Soundwave’s cassette taps that he ejects from his chest. If you watch any interview with the writers, they’ll report that they had Soundwave in the original draft of the screenplay, but as the story developed, Frenzy’s role seemed to increase. At first, this could sound like a smokescreen, covering up the real truth, which is that Soundwave was held back for the sequel so there would be stronger incentives for fans to see the next movie. But, when you think about it, since, apparently, there was a decision made not to show the Decepticons on their own planning their attacks, it would be hard to show Soundwave when it’s the tapes, or Frenzy, that’s doing the dirty work. If you remember in the cartoon, whenever Megatron needed information, Soundwave would send one of its tapes to spy on the Autobots. So, if the writers had Soundwave sending Frenzy around to get information, it seems logical that the camera would be following around Frenzy more and more, and with Soundwave less and less.

Also, there’s the issue of Soundwave being a boombox. In an MP3 iPod world, a huge boombox seems kind of lame. So, no doubt that a redesign had to be thought through. Most likely, Soundwave would be something completely different in the second movie, and as a homage to the original cartoon design, the filmmakers had Frenzy turn into a boombox here.

As you watch Frenzy successfully gather data, doesn’t your heart start to race? Maybe your forehead is starting to sweat? Why? Because the Decepticons, the true opposing force in the movie, are starting to become a threat to Sam and the Autobots. We know this attempt at gathering information will be successful and they’re going to find out who and where Sam is. We start to feel tense, because the main character is finally in danger. So, why haven’t we felt like this for the previous 15 minutes?

Let’s add to our alternate rewrite of the movie. What if this had happened earlier? What if this was the first attack, and right off the bat, the Decepticons knew who and where Sam was? That would have jump-started the movie, sort of like Terminator 2. The T-1000 arrives, gets in the police car, and looks up the name, “John Connor.” But, as the audience, we know the T-800, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, is on the way to protect him. It’s a race to see who gets to John Connor first. Why doesn’t that happen here? A race to see who gets to Sam first; Bumblebee or Barricade.

Imagine if this had been established earlier: An unknowing Sam in the middle. The Autobots and Decepticons closing in on both sides. We would have been on the edge of our seats sooner, because it’s this tension, this feeling of trains on the same track heading at each other at a hundred miles per hour that’s been missing from the movie so far.

Notice the eBay product placement on the computer screen in that scene, where Frenzy escapes and Barricade picks him up. Transformers is a pretty big advertising [spoil]whore[/spoil], you’ll notice products everywhere. But that’s nothing new in movies and in Transformers. It could be argued that the original cartoon was created for the sole reason of supporting a toyline, making essentially a half hour long commercial. But, some of these placements in the movie are too obvious and take you out of the zone of forgetting you’re in a theater.

This is where someone would usually promote a drinking game, but due to its maturity, let’s create a non-alcoholic game: The Breathing Game. So instead of taking a drink, the next time you watch Transformers, and everytime you come across a scene that has a product placement, take a deep breath. Let’s get in touch with our zen state. I know I need to, because everytime I see these advertisements, a little bit of frustration rises up in me. Taking a deep breath helps calm that down. So, be on the lookout for those ads. By the end of the viewing, you all might be Zen Masters on the verge of Nirvana - or at the very least, we won’t want to launch our DVDs across the room.

Okay, this is the end of Part 4, so also be on the look out for Part 5, which will be coming soon. Hope you have enjoyed my review so far.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 13, 2009, 9:51pm

Part 5
Konichiwa. Welcome to Part 5.

Upon the scene when the Decepticons are finally after Sam, it seems that momentum is picking up, so the next shot is: Sam’s house. Good, but for some reason, Bumblebee just starts up and leaves. Why? We know he is going to send a signal to Optimus and the Autobots, but what made him do this right now? Did he intercept a Decepticon transmission? If so, why didn’t we see or hear it? This action just comes out of nowhere. Oh, wait, I know who sent Bumblebee the signal - the filmmakers. It must be, because there’s nothing on-screen that we’ve seen that logically motivates this action. If Bumblebee intercepted a Decepticon signal, wouldn’t he have taken Sam with him to protect him? Oh, that’s right; he can’t talk and warn Sam about the danger, and he hasn’t revealed that he’s really a Transformer. So, what song could he play? Maybe Mr. Roberto, and regarding the threat to him, maybe he could play a clip of “Robby The Robot.”

“Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!”

No. Instead, Sam will chase after Bumblebee, creating more comedy. Again, the movie goes for laughs instead of story integrity.

Now, it is funny - Sam on the bike calling 911 - but sort of anti-climatic considering what was just set up in the previous scene with the Decepticons learning that Sam is the key to locating the Allspark. So, where does Bumblebee go? To the junkyard, to transform and send the robot ‘bat-signal’ into outerspace.

So, finally, Sam learns the truth about his car. It’s… okay how Sam learns this, but it was so accidental and inadvertent. Wouldn’t it had been more engaging if Bumblebee had meant to tell him, or to show him? What if Sam didn’t wake up? What if he never followed Bumblebee? Then how would he have learned the truth? When you think about it, Bumblebee didn’t need to start his engine so loudly unless he wanted to wake up Sam, and if that’s the case, there should have been a couple extra moments when Bumblebee starts his engine loudly and Sam starts to wake up but is still asleep, and then he starts it again and finally wakes him up. This way we know Bumblebee’s intention.

So, remember, for Bumblebee, being a car is just an act. He could have just slipped away quietly if he needed to and send the signal without anybody seeing. Also, is this the only way he can contact Optimus? By sending a beam of light out of his chest? Couldn’t he just use his Transformer radio Wi-Fi intergalactic secure channel to send information? This whole moment where he flashes his ‘Bumble-Signal’ is just for show, just to have a cool-looking image. This moment is done purely for visual gratification, which is okay. That’s the main reason why we were there in the theater; to see live action transforming on the 70 feet screen. But why not hinged it on a thought through story?

The unfortunate aspect here is that this is the first time Sam sees Bumblebee transforms, so shouldn’t he see it close up, instead of a football field away? Wouldn’t it had a greater impact if Sam could reach out and touch Bumblebee’s leg to show the scale? Just a minute before this revelation scene, Sam was taller than his Camero. Now, it’s towering before him. If this had happened, the scene with the little girl by the pool wouldn’t have been necessary. That moment of awe and amazement should have been transferred here to the main character where it belongs.

Going back to our ongoing alternate rewrite, this scene would have taken place earlier in the story, setting characters and emotions from the start. Like Barricade for instance, who might have picked this location to show up. This junkyard would have been the best place for the first fight over Sam to occur. But as it is in the reality of the movie, that fight happens about 15 minutes after this scene and some other scenes with the first storyline dealing with the soldiers and the third storyline dealing with the Pentagon.

After Sam sees his car change into a robot, he runs and encounters some dogs on guard, who, of course, break their chains off the cement wall and chase him into a warehouse that by chance has some cinematic lighting, before Bumblebee crashes through and does some donuts. Again, he can’t talk, so maybe he’s trying to write something with his tires in the dirt, but before Sam could read it, the cops show up, stopping any momentum this scene was creating, and thus, leading us to a Police station.

But first, the movie cuts back to Storyline Three: The Pentagon, where the Blond hotty with an accent, who knows all about computers, sneaks into an all-guys meeting to tell them all about her DNA-based quantum computer theory. Of course she gets the cliche Movie Rule #28 which states that “Any character in a movie who knows what is really going on will not be believed by anyone in position of authority until it is too late, and as a result, will always be forced to take drastic actions.” The drastic action here is stealing computer information so she could take it to her DDR-playing hacker friend.

With that established, the movie cuts back to the Police station, where Sam is being interrogated after being attacked in the junkyard. So, let’s ask some questions. Does this scene needs to be in the movie? Does it move the story forward? Does it provide opposition to Sam’s needs and goals? If the answers are “No,” “No,” and “No,” then why is it here? Because, you guessed it - the comedy. It should had been on DVD under “Deleted Scenes.”

Also, if it’s daytime during this moment, and Sam was caught at night, wouldn’t that mean that five or six hours have passed? So, where are the Decepticons? Where’s Barricade and Frenzy? They know who he is, and if Barricade is a Police Car, he might be able to pick up Police frequency. Wouldn’t they be able to pick up the cop’s reporting, that they’ve captured someone claiming to have seen his car transform into a robot? Oh, that’s right - forget about them, the opposition isn’t important when you’ve got comedy, and as a result, the main story is on pause.

So, what happens in this Police interrogation scene? Some undercover cop who looks like some crossover between Ben Stiller from Starsky and Hutch and the Ethan Hawke character from Training Day, after he got a demotion, interrogates Sam about being on drugs. Again, there’s a lot of funny moments here, but they ultimately don’t lead to anything. Sam’s dad never mentions this again or grounds him, and we never see the cops again, which violates a basic rule of screenwriting that states: “Anything set in motion stays in motion,” or “If you set something up, pay it off later,” therefore making the scene either unnecessary or a missed opportunity. Why a missed opportunity? What was the last thing Sam said to the Police officer? “Are you on drugs?” So, wouldn’t it have paid off perfectly if later in the movie, this same cop sees Sam with Bumblebee in robot form, and thus, has to question his own sanity? Or maybe the cop would have to stop over at Sam’s house at the same moment when the Autobots are hiding in the backyard. He would be at the door, ringing the bell, waiting for his answer, when a noise would get his attention. Then, he looked up and sees all these robots standing around. Sam could then answer the door and the cop could tell him there are giant robots in his backyard. Sam would step out, look around, pretend not to see anything, then look back at the cop with a smirk on his face and ask, “Are you on drugs?” Boom goes the dynamite. Revenge is sweet… or it could have been if that scene was written.

Now, as for the Scorponok action sequence where he attacks the soldier in the encampment, visually, it looks great. Don’t get me wrong. Watching it in the theater was superbly awesome, but when you see it a few times, you recognize it for what it is; a red herring, a decoy. Upon initial viewing, it seems like it moves the story forward, but does it really? Other than being an amazing genre set piece, what does it add to the overall story? The Sabot rounds. That’s about it. The information that the metal on the Decepticons can only be affected by Sabot rounds. Yet, it has way too much comedy. Can you think of other action movies that have incorporated comedy into the middle of an exciting shoot’em up explosion moment? A CREDIT CARD?! Are you kidding me?! This is bordering on becoming Mars Attacks.

When ‘funny’ enters an action scene, fear, tension, and suspense leave. Don’t you want to feel the fear that the characters might get hurt or even die? This moment belongs in a Naked Gun sequence, not in freaking Transformers! Again, the comedy here is a bandage, trying to cover the fact that the story is being neglected. Ultimately, what does this sequence add to the overall story? To find that out, let’s ask some questions.

Until then, stay tuned for Part 6 of this lengthy but in-depth movie review.

Disney_Guy · June 13, 2009, 10:35pm

I did not bother reading all your posts, but it is no surprise to me that Michael Bay is one of the worst Directors in Hollywood and that he completely ruins franchises such as Transformers.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 13, 2009, 10:43pm

Actually, all he needs to do is direct one drama film. As I have said in Part 1, he has the skill to make an action movie looks visually awesome, but he lacks the ability in flushing out the human drama that occurs between characters, the emotions that we are able to relate with.

Even Spielberg started with a drama film (The Color Purple) before he rose to his fame. Who is to say that Micheal has no chance of doing the same once he learns how to capture the aspects of human life? It should be relatively easy, considering Spielberg is his current Executive Producer for Transformers 2. Maybe he could get some more advice from him regarding this topic, if he hasn’t gotten already.

Disney_Guy · June 13, 2009, 11:17pm

Well, Spielberg did not only find success with The Color Purple. Films like Jaws and E.T. were massive successes as well. Spielberg at least has some diversity in his films. I think the biggest factor of Spielberg’s success is not because he could make a drama, but because he has proven capable of making a strong story with depth and character development.

Michael Bay, I’m not saying he can’t change, but so far he shows no signs of doing so. He has the same attitude towards films as he always has, and it just seems like he digs the idea of taking advantage of people by presenting all flash as his main selling point… But leaves most people in the dust with no substance.
He seems to be the kind of guy who just wants to make money, and that’s why I think Michael Bay is one of the worst Directors in Hollywood because he doesn’t seem to be in the business because he’s a film geek like, but because he just wants business.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 14, 2009, 6:11am

Trust me, that applies for the entire Hollywood as well, even Walt Disney Pictures. People are complaining about paying bills everyday it is getting stupid, especially when they are using it as an excuse to make Disney flicks - along with every other movie in H-wood - look like crap.

At least Micheal does know how to entertain us with CGI galore. What really annoys me about him, however, is that he produces the horror remakes. <_<" He’s raping the great horror films that were the classics of the past - from Friday The 13th to A Nightmare On Elm Street (yeah, that’s going to be remade and produced by him as well).

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 14, 2009, 11:27am

Part 6
Dzień dobry. Welcome to Part 6.

Here are some questions. What goals and opposition, what struggle of needs created the sequence where Scorponok attacks the soldiers? Why did he attack them? Because of the recording binoculars they have? Really? Because the soldiers are going to show the Pentagon people their high-tech ViewMaster binoculars with a low angle distorted image of Blackout?

So. The. F. What.

What’s the worse that’s going to happen to the Decepticon plan if the government has that footage? Well, we don’t know, because the only characters that can answer that question are the Decepticons, and we never see them on-screen strategizing. It would have been great to see Starscream giving orders to Scorponok and revealing what was at stake. Later, when it does fail, it doesn’t matter. Guess what? The binoculars never come into play. So, what was the point of the desert attack? What did happen was that the army got hold of Scorponok’s tail, which led to… what? Er… nothing! It’s never mentioned again, and the desert attack sequence ends with Scorponok burrowing into the ground and, basically, disappearing from the movie.

Wouldn’t it have been cool to have had a moment where Scorponok reports back to Starscream that his mission failed, that he’s badly injured, and that he needs to be rescued or he’ll die. It would have been so much fun to see Starscream tell him that he doesn’t tolerate failure, and that someone that incompetent deserves to die. Would have been very cool, but not in this movie, so when faced with the power of story-logic, this sequence reveals itself to be here for the sake of an ‘oil and water’ mix of action and comedy, but mainly to satisfy the audience’s genre expectation of seeing Transformers in action. Too bad it doesn’t exists because of the main story’s dynamics. It’s like during a script meeting, the consensus was, “Let’s have some funny moments, and some CGI action moments, and everyone will be happy. Who needs a good story when you have ‘Razzle Dazzle?’”

And that’s this sequence, ‘Razzle Dazzle’ that fizzles when challenged with story-logic. It’s definitely a successful CGI action accomplishment worthy of playback on your home theater with surround sound, but in terms of story development, it’s a miscarriage.

Next, the movie cuts back to the hotty computer girl, Maggie Madsen, and another blatant product placement. Notice how slowly she takes the Panasonic memory stick out of the computer drive, then turns it so slowly that we have plenty of time to read it.

Okay, take a deep breath.

Now, the third storyline branches off, just following her going to the only hacker in the world who can break this code - Anthony Anderson. Okay, I’ll suspend my disbelief enough to believe that a guy living in his grandma’s house is the only person that can crack an alien code and that he does it in ten seconds just by pressing a few buttons on his home e-machine’s computer.

Let’s point out that this scene is a perfect example of comedy and story working side by side. The hotty has a goal - break the code - and she pursues that the entire time, which is great. The comedy is a result of the nature of Anthony Anderson’s character, Glen Whitmann. It doesn’t take place of the story, but co-exists with it. Well done. The problem with the comedy in the earlier moments of this movie is that the comedy is the only element in those other scenes, replacing the story, which is on pause. Comedy should be like the cherry on top of the sundae. You always have to remember; it’s a topping, not the desert itself.

The movie cuts back to the Pentagon, where the ViewMaster binoculars are mentioned as if that’s enough to justify the entire Scorponok action sequence. But it turns out, they are damaged, so the image is useless, just like the previously mentioned sequence itself.

They also discover that Maggie made a copy of the alien code, then the movie cuts back to Anthony Anderson’s ‘hacker laboratory,’ where he breaks the code and gives us important story information just before he’s interrupted by the FBI. Is it stupid to want to see or somehow find out about how the FBI learned where she was, where she took the disk? Did they trace the hacker signal or her cellphone? I guess we’ll just have to blindly accept it. It’s almost like the filmmaker said, “As long as the action keeps happening, no one’s gonna ask any question.”

The movie then cuts to Sam laying in bed relaxing and shooting hoops in his room. Let’s be clear about this: By this time, we’re about 50 minutes into the Sci-Fi action movie, Transformers, and the main character is laying in bed. He doesn’t know anything about the Autobots, Decepticons, or the Allspark. Does this seem wrong to anybody else?

Let’s compare:

What was Neo doing 50 minutes into The Matrix?
How about John Connor 50 mintes into Terminator 2?
What about Peter Parker 50 minutes into Spider-Man,
Frodo 50 minutes into Lord of the Rings,
and of course, WALL•E 50 minutes into WALL•E?

Answer: They weren’t lounging around waiting for the movie to start.

When analyzing this movie and applying some screenwriting rules 101, you’d realize the first act of Transformers is about 60 minutes long. That means half the movie is ‘setup.’ It’s 1 hour of getting the horses to the starting gate. How is that possible when the first act of any standard movie is about 30 minutes long? Because the key component of the first act - an active main character that pursues a goal, a need, an objective - hasn’t been established until now.

Also, what makes that main character, the hero, wants to pursue that goal is the inciting incident, also known as the cause of an event, which finally happens when Barricade attacks Sam, and Bumblebee saves him, then takes him to Optimus, and he learns that the glasses are the key to getting the Allspark.

Notice after that moment, when, along with Optimus and the Autobots, Sam is pursuing the goal in every scene, our cinematic instinct is signaling to us that the movie has finally started, the story is moving forward, and the horses are off to the race. Also notice, the comedy is still present but is secondary, because the characters are actively pursuing the goal in each scene, and comedy no longer has to fill the on-screen silence, which, earlier, was caused by the absent momentum of the story.

By the way, at the beginning of the sequence where Barricade attacks Sam, why does Bumblebee just show up? Let’s use that annoying thing called “Story-Logic” again: The last time we saw Bumblebee, he was doing donuts in a warehouse after sending a signal into space. Where has he been since then? As we find out a little later, Optimus sent Bumblebee here to protect Sam and to find the glasses, but the problem is that at this moment - and moments previous - Bumblebee has not acted according to his orders. His goals, his needs are not defining his actions. Basically, he shows up when the filmmakers decide he does.

This same unmotivated action holds true for the Decepticons. Where have they been since they stole the computer information? It’s been almost a whole day since they were successful. Why haven’t they kicked down Sam’s door yet? And, as Bumblebee chases Sam down the street, he’s basically pushed by the invisible hands of the writers and the director so that Sam and Mikaela could get together. There’s no logic here. Why does Sam get on his sister’s bike to escape his car? Why doesn’t he just stay inside the house? Then, Sam just happened to run into the hotty, and even more unbelievably, she, for some unmotivated reason, follows him when he leaves. Why? She’s not acting in accordance with her goals and needs, probably because she doesn’t have any that are obvious, other than - to look hot.

The reason she gets up and leave is because she has to be in the rest of the movie, and the filmmakers whispered in her ear,
“Market research shows that teenage wanted to see hot girls in action movies! So go follow Sam!”

Okay, and seeing the next scene after is when having more than a Fifth Grade education is a curse, because now, the next question becomes, "Why the F did Barricade and Frenzy showed up all of a sudden? If the Decepticons showed up at Sam’s house, I could believe they got information from that computer data they stole. If they had shown up at the Police station, I could believe they intercepted Police radio communication dealing with Sam’s capture. But how the F did they know Sam is on the bike in the middle of the street? There’s no logical reason for them to show up other than, you guess it, the filmmakers set in stone, these are the ‘story tentpoles script,’ which says he has to show up at that particular moment. So no matter how illogical (teenage boys don’t use logic anyway, right?), Barricade and Frenzy will show up at that moment.

Take a deep breath here to release your frustration, and before discussing the first live action ‘Transformer Vs. Transformer’ fight in Part 7, post your thoughts, comments, and questions here as you await for the next part.

Disney_Guy · June 14, 2009, 6:22pm

Lol, unfortunately… I believe not everyone is like that, though. I mean I know everyone wants to pay the bills, but just so they can stay alive in the business to keep making what they love. But yes, most people are like that these days.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 15, 2009, 10:41pm

Part 7
Aloha! Welcome to Part 7.

As we talked about, we are going to discuss the first live action battle between Transformers on a big screen. It was an effing sweet moment. Bumblebee ejected Sam and the hotty and transformed, just as Barricade was transforming while he was driving, and the two collided. Holy crap. It was too effing cool.

If I’m watching this scene for the first time while I’m reviewing this as I go along, I would probably say something like, “Okay, Micheal Bay, all the mistakes from earlier in the movie are forgiven. Cutting away from Blackout when he was first transforming - forgiven. Not showing a closeup of Bumblebee’s first transformation at the junkyard - forgiven.”

This battle was great and, actually, nicely shot. There were some nice closeups to make us feel we were in the middle of the fight and nice wide shots to show the blow-by-blow action. One criticism here would be that this is where Bumblebee not being able to talk hurts the story. It would had been nice to have had some trash-talking going on between these two. This would have established a preexisting relationship between them - obviously, this wasn’t the first time they were meeting. They probably know each other from the battles on Cybertron which, again, would have been shown in the already suggested backstory opening battle and more scenes dedicated to the Decepticons and Autobots strategizing, or… er… no, no, no, no…!

That forgiveness I just given Micheal Bay? I take it back. Why? Because for some reason, the movie cuts away from the historic first live action battle between two Transformers. Where does it go? To Sam and the hotty fighting with Frenzy. I know this is a family-friendly site, but this ultimately deserves a huge…

WHAT. THE. F***.

So, my initial thought was that it might cut back to the fight. I was practically begging for it to cut back. After a few seconds of waiting, there was nothing.

S***.

So, why did it cut away? Is there anyone out there who watched this that would rather see Frenzy fight the humans? I had checked the DVD and there are no Easter eggs, no secret chapters that have the off-screen fight between Bumblebee and Barricade. At the very least, the scene could had some parallel editing, showing us both battles progressing, cutting back and forth. But, in the lamest move in my movie memory up till now, the camera stays with the hotty and Sam as they defeat Frenzy, before, in the background, Bumblebee stands tall on the hill as the winner of a battle we never saw. Then, for a brief moment, we do see Barricade defeated and on the ground.

I don’t know about you, but it sure would have been nice to see how Barricade ended up that way. Was there not enough money in the CGI budget to create that fight, or not enough time to finish it with the July 4th holiday release date approaching? I would have rather waited a year to see a fully realized battle even of an ‘11th hour, college student writing a term paper the night before it’s due’ rushed job like this. For me, sitting in the theater watching this, it began to feel like the Christmas I learned Santa wasn’t real. It became obvious that Transformers wasn’t going to the greatest Sci-Fi action movie of all time and was, instead, a flawed, superficial, product placement filled semi-disappointment.

How is it conceivable that this major sequence was shot in such a poor way? Steven Spielberg was the producer on this film. All Micheal Bay needed to do was ask him, “Hey, Steven, how would you film this sequence?” Steven probably would have given him a copy of Jurassic Park and said, “Just go ahead and steal all the camera angles. Replace the dinosaurs with Transformers.” I believe Micheal Bay hid every print of dailies from Spielberg until it was too late to make any changes, or showed Steven some early footage and said, “Don’t worry, we’re working on the rest of the footage. It will be put in there later,” Steven then started preparing for Indiana Jones 4 and didn’t have any time to pay attention anymore to Transformers.

Take a deep, deep breath.

Okay. The next scene after this required an even larger amount of calmness, because it is yet another cringe-worthy moment. But first, in terms of story progression, Frenzy survives and turns into a copy of the hotty’s phone, which kinda doesn’t make sense at that moment if you analyze it. How does Frenzy know that Barricade lost the fight with Bumblebee? If Barricade have won, wouldn’t Frenzy have gone to join him? So, there must be a scene missing here where Frenzy learns that Barricade has lost or receives a signal from Barricade to leave him behind and, somehow, go with the humans so he could keep track of them. But, again, that would require the Decepticons to talk to each other, which we know was forbidden in the movie for some reason.

So, okay, ‘story-illogic’ aside, Frenzy transforms into the phone and tags along for the ride. But, ask yourself, does Frenzy tagging along ever come into play over the next half hour of the movie? No, it makes no impact, but more on that later.

Let’s analyze the moment after that scene, which should be titled on the DVD chapters list as: “Transformers Car Commercial” because not only is it a blatant car commercial, it doesn’t even try to hide it. It even uses the exact same music from the real commercials. Most importantly, it makes no sense. What’s the first thing you would do after defeating a mortal enemy and transporting two humans to your leader so you could find the only thing that could save your homeworld? You’d give a crap what a shallow Earth hotty had to say about you, and you’d stop to take time and transform into a newer model.

Take a breath.

How does Bumblebee know there aren’t other Decepticons on their trail? He doesn’t, but the filmmakers do, and they also know it’s time to get paid with a cynical ‘the audience will get a nice wink-wink laugh at this moment’ advertisement that stops the story for a couple of minutes.

Take a breath.

Also, what are the chances that the new shabby Camero would be driving a few cars behind them at just that moment?

Take a breath.

It’s at this point, you have to wonder if Transformers was made to satisfy the demand of loyal fans, thus giving their 10 dollars’ worth, or to sell as much crap as the filmmakers can to the audiences, who were guaranteed to be there, while they had them in their seats.

Take a breath.

So, after that story-pausing moment, it gets back on track to the meeting with the Autobots. It also would have been nice if Bumblebee would have received a message from Optimus that Sam, the hotty, and we, the audience, could have overheard, but whatever; we’ll just accept that they arrive and Bumblebee knew where to go.

Of course, the Autobots have to arrive in the most SPECTACULAR WAY IMAGINABLE, not on the bigger spaceship like in the cartoon that could have given them a chance to be a little bit covert at least. No. They have to crash ‘Armageddon’ meteor style. It’s almost like these were some leftover shots from that movie and the studio didn’t want to let them go to waste.

Understand that the visuals look great. I’ve rewatched this myself for like, 20 times. It’s really well done. But, when I think about an alien species landing on a planet where their mortal enemies are waiting for them, probably with enough technology to track them coming into orbit, the choice landing on that planet is, of course, in the most noticeable way. At least they weren’t riding in nuclear bombs that explode into mushroom clouds that form the phrase, “AUTOBOTS IN THE HOUSE!”

Then, it focuses on reactions from some men on the streets. The two most noticeable being:

The teenager with the video camera who says things like, “This is a hundred times cooler than Armageddon!” and “'…they’re so boned!” Is that really a phrase? If it is, please stop saying it.
Then, you get the little girl who has the Transformer who was towering over her coming out of the pool, and she wonders if he’s the Tooth Fairy. Aw, that’s so cute. insert puking sound here

This all leads to a ‘hair stands up on the back of your neck’ scene where Sam and the hotty meet all the Autobots, including, of course, Optimus Effing Prime. Even though the movie is half over, and in my alternate rewrite, this should have taken place about 30 minutes ago, it’s still ‘wet yourself’ cool.

So, I’ve wrote a lot of stuff, so I hope you would reply with some of your thoughts as well. Hang on there, we are about over with this review… in a few more couple of days.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 16, 2009, 3:03pm

Part 8
Bonjour. Welcome to Part 8.

After we have seen all the Transformers arrived and choose car designs to disguise themselves as, they all come together in an alley. Again, this is a great moment. You can feel the goosebumps tingle as Optimus speaks and as everyone introduce themselves. A moment like this allows the audience to bond with the characters. Thereafter, whenever those characters are involved in future scenes, we feel a connection because we are no longer strangers.

As mentioned before, a scene like this should have exists for the Decepticon. Obviously, it wouldn’t have been done with them just standing around and introducing themselves, but with them just interacting with each other like in Star Wars, when Darth and the emperor discussed their plans, or when Darth and the Fleet Commanders were strategizing. It needs to cut to the opposition - that rival horse on the racetrack, or that other train heading full-steam towards the main character, thus promising a collision of drama. Like the yin and yang, there is a movie balance when the hero has an enemy, especially if it’s a strong and smart enemy that the audience believes can actually have a chance of winning.

So far, this moment had been great and was filmed really well. The camera had focused on Optimus a lot - as it should, he was the character we had all been waiting for - and he was given a great introduction. We also met Jazz, Ironhide, and Ratchet who have their own distinctive personalities and ways of speaking, which we learned they adapted into English via the World Wide Web. After 70 minutes into the movie, the main character finally learned about the Allspark, Megatron, and the Cybertron wars. Again, 70 minutes.

To put it in perspective:

When did Morpheus tell Neo about the Matrix?
When did Gandalf tell Frodo about the ring?
When did Luke realize he had to rescue Princess Leia?
How about this one; when did WALL•E encounter the AXIOM?

No later than 30 to 40 minutes into each of those movies. That’s why in my alternate rewrite of Transformers, this scene with Optimus and the Autobots should have taken place at least 30 minutes ago.

Just take a moment and try to remember when you first watched this scene. Do you recall thinking ‘Finally, now the action is going to start’ or ‘Great, now it’s gonna start moving faster’? When one asks what this scene does in terms of screenplay structure, the answer is that it completes the setup, which signals the end of the first act and the beginning of the second one, which, in screenwriting 101, means the main character and the opponent wage in non-stop dramatic struggle to reach their goals, which usually are the same and, therefore, mutually exclusive. In this case, only one side can have the Allspark.

Another sign that the setup, or Act One, is not yet complete until this moment is that Optimus gives us the backstory again. Why? Because Sam hadn’t heard it yet, and it’s usually a good idea to have the main character know why he’s pursuing the objective. If we peek into the screenwriting 101 textbook again, it teaches that the audience should always learn information at the same time the main character does, just like Neo learning about the Matrix, Luke learning about his father and the Force, Frodo learning about the ring, and WALL•E learning about EVE’s mission. Transformers waited over an over to tell the main character something the audience already knows from the opening credits. As a result, we sat restlessly in our seats waiting for the main character to catch up to our knowledge when it’s the reverse that should be true - we should be equal or a little behind the main character’s awareness in the movie. This way, we’re never bored and are always engaged - remember, the main character is the person we identify and take cinematic journeys with. Like any journey, you want to be walking side by side on the road with that person instead of walking faster, being ahead of him, always turning around, and saying, “Come on, hurry up.”

So, even though this backstory is a way of catching the character up to the audience, we should give the filmmakers some credit here. At least this time, the backstory was visualized and it makes you say, “Holy effing crap, that looks effing awesome!” as you watched it. But, once that visual awe has subsided after seeing it on DVD 30 times, you start to realize that it would have worked better earlier and the voice-over at the beginning could have been replaced with this. It could have even included a little more story. This flashback should have been a whole sequence in which Optimus and the Autobots are fighting Megatron and the Decepticons; maybe the Decepticons are winning and Optimus sends the cube into outerspace. You could have had a great fight between Optimus and Megatron, establishing their relationship, and setting up the emotional impact for their later battle on Earth. Then, Megatron could have gone off into space after the cube. We also get the extended flashback of Sam’s grandfather finding Megatron, which looks cool. It looks great and it actually makes sense, even though the whole thing with the map 'lasered on the glasses is kind of, sort of okay, like, ‘We’ll accept in and go with it.’ I mean, come on, he accidentally just happens to activate Megatron’s navigation system by touching what looks like a fingertip. Fine. Whatever.

By now, it’s apparent that the live action movie has just as many illogical moments as the original cartoon. Is it whiny and ‘nitpicky’ to demand a higher level of execution? Was this adaptation of Transformers so accurate that they purposely incorporated the cartoon’s illogical qualities? I would love to believe that but, more likely, the truth is that story-logic was low on the priorities list. I mean, when you watched Jurassic Park, The Matrix, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings,The Terminator, or WALL•E, don’t those movies at least try to have a believable logic system? Don’t they try to believably motivate characters? Doesn’t their presentation of the story’s physics seem to make a little more sense with fewer obvious flaws?

So, after Sam finds out about the backstory, it cuts to the first storyline with the surviving soldiers on the plane being transported for debriefing, which is merged with the third storyline; the Pentagon. The scene on the plane reveals one thing - Sabot rounds hurt the robots. Also, Scorponok’s tail is in the scene. Why didn’t the movie take this moment to resolve Scorponok for us? Why is his tail still moving? Maybe he’s controlling the table. Maybe he’s using it to monitor the conversations aboard the plane and sending a signal from his tail to Starscream. Anything would have been better than burying him in the sand and forgetting about him, leaving us to wonder in the end, in the back of our minds, about his status.

Then, the movie cuts to Hotty #2, AKA Blond Hotty, with the comedic hacker sidekick about to be interrogated. This is a warning sign that, even though the movie should be picking up speed and moving faster towards the objective and the conflict, it continues to stall. What happens here? Comedy. Again, it’s funny - the donuts, the build-up of what Anthony Anderson says he’s going to do and then the payoff of what he actually does. It’s real funny, but aside from that, what does it add to the momentum of the bigger story? It reveals that the Pentagon should have listened to what the blond hotty had to say. Well, shouldn’t that have happened in the first place? Shouldn’t they just told her, “Do what you need to do and tell us the minute you find something out.” No, that would have been too straight forward and caused the movie to focus on the story more. So, instead, we have a sequence of her adventure to break the code that’s basically a detour that’s merging back here with the main story when she says, “I need to talk to the Secretary of Defense.”

After that, the movie cuts back to the Autobots, Sam, and Hotty #1, AKA Brunette Hotty, going to Sam’s house to get the glasses. Again, it’s not ideal screenplay structure that it took 70 minutes for the characters to go after the main objective, but at least it’s finally happening. One question here: Isn’t Frenzy still in Hotty #1’s purse? If he is, doesn’t that mean that he just sat in her purse, quietly, and witness the meeting with the Autobots? Technically, he’s a spy, right? So, shouldn’t he have been, you know, spying?

Let’s consider this question and others as we break down the Autobots’ visit to Sam’s house in Part 9.

Dragon_of_Omnipotenc · June 17, 2009, 10:04am

Part 9
Guten Tag. Welcome to Part 9.

Continuing with thoughts about Frenzy hiding in Hotty #1’s purse. Shouldn’t we have seen him communicating back with the Decepticon headquarters that the humans have made contact with the Autobots? Oh, that’s right; no Decepticon scenes are allowed in this movie for some reason. But, in our alternate rewrite, we can imagine that Frenzy would have contacted Starscream and told him what happened. We would have seen the Decepticons strategize and understood their point of view more. Remember, the bad guy or opponent in the movie doesn’t think they are ‘bad;’ they think they are doing the right thing according to their beliefs. So, it would have added a little more complexity to the Decepticon characters to see them interacting. When the two sides fought, we will know what is at stake for the both of them.

So, maybe there was a missing shot where Hotty #1 turned off her phone and, because Frenzy transformed into such an accurate copy of the phone, he made the ‘off-button’ on the phone his ‘power off button,’ too. It must be the case because it sure looks like Frenzy is asleep during this whole sequence. What else could the explanation be? He knows the enemies’ location and where the glasses are, yet he never does anything about it. Hence, that inactivity of the opposing force in this movie becomes obvious here in this sequence.

Sam, Hotty #1, Optimus, and the Autobots have gone to Sam’s house to get the glasses - great. They want to get the Allspark as soon as possible because the Decepticons might be there first - in theory. The major problem here is that, since there is no Decepticon storyline and we don’t know what their plans are or if they know anything about the Autobots’ progress towards getting the glasses, there’s no threat. There’s never any cutting to that other horse in the race or train in the track. Thus, this makes Optimus’ dialogue here seem forced. For a few times, he told Sam to hurry, get the glasses now, and get them fast. Why? Optimus needs to chill out. Frenzy is asleep and there’s no Decepticons anywhere, so why is he freaking out? There’s no need to worry about conflict at this moment because none has been set up.

This sequence is similar to the one in The Matrix where Neo, Morpheus, and the rest of the gang are in a house - trapped. The movie then cuts to the agents finding out where they are. Then, Agent Smith and the rest of his minions show up and conflict happens right away. How about the sequence in Terminator 2 when John, Sarah, Miles, and Arnold blow up Cyberdyne Systems? The T-1000 hears about it on the Police radio and shows up minutes later. Also, in Star Wars, when Luke, Han, and Chewy are detected trying to break Leia out of her cell and are forced into the garbage disposal. The opponent always need to find out what the main character or characters are up to and always try to stop them. Since this is missing from Transformers, there’s no tension or drama in this sequence. Only what? Yes, you guess it; C-O-M-E-D-Y. 'Y is this happening? Because the conflict of the main story - the battle for the Allspark - is nonexistent. So, what happens? Laughs and hi jinx have to fill the empty story space. This is why you get Mojo peeing on the robot’s foot, Optimus saying the cringe-worthy, “My bad,” and Sam’s mum awkwardly talking about masturbation or Sam’s ‘happy time,’ It’s funny and great comedy, but it’s the right hand distracting us from what the left hand is doing or, in this case, what the left hand isn’t doing, which should be moving the story forward through the conflict created by opposing forces of which, in this case, are the main character and the opposition.

One of my favorite movie is True Lies made by one of my favorite writers/directors, James Cameron. As much as I like it, it also commits a movie crime just like Transformers, which is detouring off the path of the main story and going off on a comedy side trip. You might remember Arnold Schwarzenegger as a secret agent hunting a terrorist while, at the same time, his marriage is suffering and he thinks his wife is cheating on him. So, towards the middle of the movie, he stops pursuing the terrorist and decides to fix his marriage for like, 30 minutes. It’s a lot of fun and so well done that you almost forget that this is an action movie about hunting a terrorist. So, it happens to the best of them.

Transformers is doing the same thing here - and doing it well. The Transformers shake the ground, the parents think it’s an earthquake, and, later, when they look at the backyard, which we all know Sam’s dad is very passionate about, it looks like an earthquake destroyed it. Nicely played, but, ultimately, it compromises the Autobots’ characters - turning them into buffoons - and story logic. Shouldn’t they have just waited on the street and parked quietly so no one would notice them? There’s no reason for them to transform and slink around the house.

This sequence should have been something like this: Sam goes in, has a little bit of interactions with his parents, gets the glasses, and leaves, or, if you want it similar to the way it already is, one important element should have been added - the Decepticons. This is where they need to show up. Frenzy, as mentioned before, should call them and there should be a fight - a big battle. Yes, Starscream, Barricade, Devastator; all of them should have been here. That would have ‘transformed’ this sequence. Inside, Sam and Hotty #1, along with his parents, would have thought there was an earthquake going on while, outside, a hardcore CGI Transformers fight would be storming. We would get the characters interacting and more relationships will be revealed. Also, why not let the Decepticons win? This would make it more difficult for our main characters. Again, we only feel tense if it’s believable that the opponent might win. The Decepticons could go off and get Megatron first, having a head start, which would be fine because Sector 7 could show up, take Sam and the Autobots right to the location, and they would be on the Decepticons’ trail - but that’s in my alternate rewrite.

Here, Sector 7 just shows up, out of the blue. Why? Because the filmmakers’ instincts are smart enough to know that there needs to be some opposition during this sequence. Too bad they didn’t remember that the opposition should come from the main opponents - the Decepticons - not some poor substitutes, which is what these wannabe ‘men in black’ are. They are not a bad idea. If Megatron have been discovered many years ago, confirming the existence of an alien race, then there’s no doubt that the government would have established this type of organization. But, their presence here is unexpected and sudden. They should have been introduced earlier. John Turturro, who all know and love from various Coen Brothers films, has a great screen presence and seems to be a good choice for the leader of this covert government group. Unfortunately, he plays it a little buffoonish, and we ended up feeling sorry for him instead of fearing him. You could imaging that in high school, he was the one who was always picked on so, when he grew up, he decided to achieve a position of power to compensate for it.

Why wasn’t he in the background of various scenes earlier? Maybe when the Secretary of Defense had that meeting that Hotty #2 interrupted, he could have been there observing. Alternatively, when Frenzy hacked Air Force One and there was that giant computer center, he should have been there, too. That’s all that we would have needed; a closeup shot of his menacing grin and we would have been hooked. We would start asking, “Who is that? What’s his role in the story?” and when he shows up here… boom, we have our answer.

With Sam and Hotty #1 captured, the ‘men in black’ are on route to take them back to headquarters. It’s here that a major revelation of the hotty’s backstory occurs - her father is a petty criminal, and she gained all that useful engine knowledge stealing cars with him. Not bad. That will actually work. But, the movie doesn’t take it any deeper. Remember, the heroes get the journey they are ready for and, in the best movies, every character is a well-rounded 3-dimensional person, kind of like the TV series, Lost. Everyone has a backstory. Everyone has their own issues to work out. Everyone is a deep well of memories, desires, and emotions. So, if Hotty #1 has some ‘daddy issues’ that revolve around cars, it seems that being involved in a situation dealing with a lot of cars that happen to be transforming robots would be the perfect opportunity to face her demons and come out the other end a new person. But, that’s asking too much from a comedy CGI action movie about transforming robots, right?

After a while, the Autobots intervene to rescue Sam and the hotty, but let’s discuss this in the next part. Till next time.