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The Fall

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The Fall

Postby lizardgirl » Tue Jul 10, 2007 6:42 pm

Wahey, I've actually written something. :roll: I was spurred on, more than anything, by a quick visit to Boggs' Board. I hadn't been there for so long, but to see that people were still hanging around and doing what Randall fans do best, well, it was quite nice to see that the place hadn't been abandoned entirely. Discussion had been leaning very much towards talking about Randall's banishment, and just thinking about that always gets me het up, let alone talking about it with other people! So, I figured I'd just see what pops into my head and write. I have an idea of where this is gonna go, so hopefully it shouldn't be completely aimless.

For now, there's just sort of an introductory thing, but a longer and more comprehensible chapter will soon be put up once I've double-checked it a few times. Read it if you want to, but I warn you, it isn't much right now (and it probably won't be, knowing my writing style), though more is to come soon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3648175/1/The_Fall

I appreciate any reviews, as long as they're packed full of critique. I want to know exactly where I'm going wrong. Thanks! :D
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Postby Mitch » Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:31 pm

Yay! She writes! :D

Quite intriguing, I must say. The atmosphere and overall setting of the piece is beautiful; it makes the reader feel as if he is situated within that time and space and can "feel" the emotions that the character is experiencing. Your writing style is, in my humble opinion, what I would describe as "sketchy". Sentences are cut short, making for a quick read and an overall condensed plot-line.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Everyone has their own, unique writing style. I have a tendency to write long, drawn-out sentences/paragraphs when constructing my novels. I am also a perfectionist -- every single punctuation mark has to be perfectly situated/placed. Pitiful, I know, but it results in a rather convenient and adequate pattern.

The only critical remarks I can make on your work are these:

1. I would connect the first paragraph to the second paragraph so as the beginning of the tale is less "choppy". Since they both convey a similar meaning, conbining the two would make for a more fluent and overall smoother read.

2. Taking this sentence into account...

Every night was a late night. Doing paperwork, searching for new parts, working on the machine.


...I would connect the two sentences so as the second one doesn't come off as a fracture. Adding those two little lines (--) would probably do the trick.

3.
People just don't seem to notice things like that any more.


I would change "don't" to "didn't". Saying "don't" makes it sound as if Randall is speaking. Changing it to "didn't" connotates that the sentence is "seen" from a third-person viewpoint.

4. I would attach the fourth paragraph ("Time to pick up the pace.") to the end of the third paragraph, since it connects to the said third paragraph in context.

5.
Hands in pockets, hurry; no time to waste.


Hmm. This is pretty much the only sentence that sounds rather odd to me. I dunno. Perhaps it would flow better in this fashion:

"Hands in pockets.... Hurry! No time to waste."

But that doesn't sound very fluent either. Hmm.... Heh, I'm at a road block here!

6.
No time to look around, to view the scenery!


Omit the comma from the sentence.

7.
Slam behind him. Lock up.


Hmm. I guess that that's ok. Maybe it would have been a little better had it been written in this fashion:

"A slam behind him; the click of a lock."

I dunno.

--------------

Like I said, I am extremely critical when it comes to writing. My sincere apologies if I sounded too rash and/or redundant. :oops:

Oh, and I absolutely love how you constructed this particular sentence:

His usually soft footsteps banged off the crumbling walls and bombarded him.


---------------

Beautiful story though, lizardgirl. Fantastic! ;)

-- Mitch
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Postby lizardgirl » Tue Jul 10, 2007 11:05 pm

Wahey! Critique! :D

Mitch- Firstly, about writing style...Well, I've purposefully changed it for this sort of beginning part. The first proper chapter that I'm going to be posting shortly will be my 'normal' writing style- what I've written here is really just for effect. I have a horrible habit of using dashes and semi-colons almost constantly, elongating my sentances and making everything drag on, so I thought that if I was gonna do that for the rest of the story, I might as well change it a bit for the first section.

1. Nice idea! I did want the first two words to be kind of like Randall saying them with a pause, but because I see this in my own head but obviously the reader doesn't know what I see, then I see how it could flow much more smoothly with the two together.

2. Aha, yes, lol, I've mentioned my addiction to dashes already, haven't I? :lol: I agree with what you say, though, since it feels as though there needs to be a connection there, annoying literary habits or not. I'm gonna change that.

3. Once again, I agree. I've gotta try and focus on the viewpoint that I'm telling it from, since I have another nasty habit of switching. Thanks for pointing that out!

4. That, I might leave. I like the idea of noticing something ominous, having that pause of a reaction time, then realising what to do type thing. I definitely see your point, though.

5. Hmm, that was a sentance that I was struggling with too. I think the elipse would make the pause too long, since I kind of wanted that monotone, "must do this, must do that," kind of thing, but I'm not sure about the semi-colon either...I'll think about that sentance.

6. Hmm...Once again, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to disagree with you. The two ideas are separate, as in, he's not looking around to view the scenery, but he's looking around and viewing the scenery (or in this case, not :lol:). I guess it's just how you read it, really- the same thing can be said in many different ways.

7. I wanted it to have a really blunt, rudementary feel about it, although the way you've written it certainly makes more grammatical sense! :lol:

I really appreciate your critique, and I hope I don't sound too defensive about any of the points you've made. I'm certainly gonna change one or two things, and I'll keep your advice close to mind- hey, I'm just pleased someone is actually bothering to critique it! I know how much work my writing needs, and I really, really appreciate the time you've spent going through it and helping me out. *hugs*

And, once I've made those changes, I'm gonna put the next chapter up and start this story properly.
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Postby Mitch » Tue Jul 10, 2007 11:14 pm

Heheh. Glad I could help, lizardgirl! :D

I normally don't critique anything that much, but when it comes to story-writing...I can get really......pissed off if someone makes an apparent mistake. Not that your writing is inadequate or anything! On the contrary, I think it's quite brilliant. ;)

Again, I'm glad I could help ya' out!

lizardgirl wrote:4. That, I might leave. I like the idea of noticing something ominous, having that pause of a reaction time, then realising what to do type thing. I definitely see your point, though.

6. Hmm...Once again, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to disagree with you. The two ideas are separate, as in, he's not looking around to view the scenery, but he's looking around and viewing the scenery (or in this case, not :lol:). I guess it's just how you read it, really- the same thing can be said in many different ways.


You know, I'm starting to love "back-lashes". :mrgreen:

I see your point now that you've explained things. I had an idea that that's what you were trying to convey in each of those two paragraphs, but I wasn't sure (hence the critique). Thanks for setting me straight!

-- Mitch
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Postby lizardgirl » Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:20 am

Mitch- Ditto. I hate it when there is something so obvious, even just a typo that could be corrected so easily, but my problem is that I'm too lazy to check through lots of times. :lol:

Okay, so I've edited the first chapter (although if it's worked properly or whatever I don't know, FF.net has changed a lot since I last used it), and I've now got the next chapter up. I probably won't be doing much more for a while, so it's not a large amount to read.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3648175/2/The_Fall

Once again, critique away!
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Postby Mitch » Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:26 am

'Ello, lizardgirl!

I would just like to sincerely apologize for the fact that I have not properly read through your latest (or, in this case, first) chapter in your story. My current lifestyle and workload currently resembles that of a mountain that is tasting the clouds, so don't despair if I don't get to your tale at an adequate time. Your story is intriguing, and I do love the way you conjure up phrases and the like, so I will most defnitely browse your chapter at some point.

Again, my apologies. I shall read le story eventually.... ;)

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Postby Nexas » Thu Aug 02, 2007 4:35 am

Well well...been a bit seeing you on Fanfiction LG heh heh.
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Postby lizardgirl » Thu Aug 16, 2007 12:45 pm

Mitch- Don't worry about it. I know what it's like not to have time just to sit down and read something! Life can be so hectic sometimes. :D

And third chapter is up- just follow the previous link.
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Postby putmoneyinthypurse » Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:18 pm

I hope you got my review on FFN - I really, really like this, and the title is one of the most powerful elements. The fall from grace, the whole concept of being damned, mirrors Randall's fall from popularity, his fall from the top spot, his fall into emotional chaos and isolation and all that afflicts him. You make him extremely sympathetis by using his tight PoV and showing his suffering. I really feel his character has an added dimension now - his meanness seems born of pain, now, his aggression out of desperation. Do go on.
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Postby Mitch » Sat Aug 18, 2007 6:20 pm

lizardgirl - Oh, thank you. With college coming up, I will be extremely busy; however, I will read it eventually. I promise. ;)

-- MItch
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Postby lizardgirl » Sun Aug 19, 2007 1:52 pm

putmoneyinthypurse- For a while I was going to just abandon this one, since it doesn't really have any direction, but it's something I've been thinking about for ages so I figured I'd give it a go. Thank you so much for the lovely review! The next chapter should be up in a couple of weeks.
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Postby lizardgirl » Wed Sep 19, 2007 8:20 pm

The next chapter's up. The link above will go to it.
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