[size=200]It’s Great to be a Hollywood Man[/size]
[size=150]A SHORT STORY BY NICK DeVITO[/size]
“Mr. Bilford? Mr. Bilford! What’s happened to us?”
Mr. Bilford was sitting at his desk enjoying a fine Chevere 1947, even though it was before noon. Even his expensive casual attire could not mask his inner troubles. Mr. Bilford had been thinking of his business all morning. He hadn’t even eaten breakfast. His brow was so shrugged it remained a characteristic of his face, his pupils were harshly dilated, and actual sweat had excreted from his facial glands. The drips of liquid along his hot face only worried him more. How could Mr. Bilford not be worried; he was the head of a motion picture production studio.
It took some time before Mr. Bilford had noticed his assistant. It took an even longer time for him to remember what he had said to him. By the time Mr. Bilford had gotten his act together, he was ready to respond.
“Marcus what do you think you’re doing barging into my room like that without knocking. I could’ve been signing an important deal or talking on the phone with a skillful director. I might’ve been making billions that would fade away simply because you interrupted my private location of solitude. I could’ve been stripped of achieving Enlightenment just because you broke my field of concentration. Well, what is it? Are you just going to stand there like a mindless movie-goer? What is so important?”
Marcus very much admired Mr. Bilford’s attempt to cover his nervous behavior. He is legendary for his grouchy approach to life like an over-exaggerated comic book supporting character. Despite his sarcastic negative motives, Marcus knew he had to be serious with Mr. Bilford.
“Sir the box office results are in from the last weekend. I am please to say it was one of our most successful weekends so far this year. The total is somewhere around-“
“I don’t care about the numbers Marcus! Tell me about the movies. Which movies made it?”
Marcus knew Mr. Bilford would care only about the movies themselves. Still, Marcus was not worried at the moment.
“Well, Unknown ranked in first with I Am Number Four at second.”
“Darn! I was really hoping on I Am Number Four hitting big. There’s no way we can make a series out of that now. Now we have to find a whole other Twilight rip-off to translate into a motion picture. There’s just no pleasing these movie-goers. We had beautiful teen models, lots of special effects, and Michael Bay as the producer. You saw how many people went to see the last Transformers movie, they loved it!”
Mr. Bilford and Marcus both knew that Michael Bay’s previous feature was hated by all who saw it. They were very ashamed of the picture, but were too embarrassed to admit it to each other.
“What about our third Big Momma’s House? Was that third place?”
“Um, no Mr. Bilford, Like Father, Like Son did not rank third.”
“Well what then, fourth? Spit it out Marcus.”
Marcus was growing more and more nervous talking to his boss. The movie they were talking about expectedly obtained bashings from the critics, but was also a bomb financially. However, Marcus still kept a straight face.
“I’m sorry sir, the film ranked fifth place behind Just Go With It, and Gnomeo and Juliet.” We still have plenty of comedy franchises screaming for a sequel, though. We have Wild Hogs, The Bounty Hunter, hey a fourth Fockers movie is guaranteed to score big at the box-office. Let’s see, we could-“
“Shoot! How could Big Momma’s House have failed? Didn’t the first two do well? Everybody loves cross-dressing cops; I mean look at Ace Ventura! It’s as if the movie-goers suddenly have realized that bad movies are actually bad. How could this have happened?”
Marcus knew then that he would soon be discussing the thing he was most worried about. He was shaking in place. The truth was eating a hole in his heart. This was the end of the company; Marcus was sure he’d be fired. Maybe Mr. Bilford might not discuss it. Maybe he’s about to talk about something unrelated. Perhaps he’s just interested in what place the Justin Bieber movie is in after achieving second place last weekend. Perhaps he just wanted to-
“Wait! Marcus how have the independent movies been doing?”
Marcus couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. He was soon bawling like a baby in front of his boss. He was putting on a pathetic show directly in front of the very man who paid his salary and could terminate his career with a single signature. Through his tears he could see Dr. Bilford’s looks of disgust. He was losing himself, and had to confront his emotions immediately. He couldn’t help himself; the truth was so tragic that it would no doubt destroy the company and the history of motion pictures in general. Were motion pictures to go the same way as audio cassettes, vinyl records, and wooden pipes? There was no turning back. Marcus pulled himself together, and wiped his premature tears in preparation for his response. Mr. Bilford was not disgusted anymore, and instead (having realized why Marcus had cried), was waiting patiently for Marcus comeback.
“Sir? The King’s Speech ranks at seventh place, and has successfully earned over one hundred million dollars for its total gross last weekend.”
Mr. Bilford was stone cold; he did not say a word and Marcus took this as a sign to continue his report.
“Although it is gone from the top ten, True Grit has ranked eleventh after nine consecutive weeks. Meanwhile the James Cameron produced Sanctum ranked twelfth after only three weeks.”
How can this be, Mr. Bilford thought to himself. True Grit has been in theatres for nine weeks, and Sanctum is already behind it. Don’t the movie-goers know James Cameron made Avatar? It didn’t make sense.
“The Fighter ranks thirteenth and looks like it may break the 100mil mark before the Oscars begin. Black Swan ranks fifteenth and like the Coen brothers’ film has successfully grossed over 100mil for its total gross last weekend. Although 127 Hours ranked twenty fifth place, may I remind you that it has successfully doubled its production costs with its box-office receipts last weekend.”
“Alright I get it Marcus. It looks like we are doomed.”
It is just as Mr. Bilford had feared. Independent features have become so successful it was unbelievable. People have actually seen Best Picture nominees before Oscar night, and they have seen the multiple times. Mr. Bilford’s company hasn’t produced a successful film since December, and that was just one film. If this keeps up the summer will be a disaster and his company will go out of business.
“Damn these independent films! They are ruining our receipts, humiliating our image, and making our potential movie-goers feel positive towards films without explosions, nudity, or huge budgets. If this keeps up, movie-goers might not see our movies at all!”
Marcus had been paying attention to his boss in person, but spiritually he was elsewhere. He was trying to understand the phenomenon, why it occurred, and most of all, how to stop it.
Then it hit Marcus square in the face. Why hadn’t he have thought of it before?
“Sir? Speaking freely here, what if we-“
Mr. Bilford gave him a glance that signaled for his silence. He did not want an alternate opinion on his company’s dilemma; especially from his assistant. Marcus was not going to dismiss his idea, however.
“Sir, for the future of our company; for the sake of our employees and their families, and for the benefit of all motion pictures, listen to what I have to say!”
Mr. Bilford was shocked to say the least, but he remained silent in respect for Marcus’s stance of command. He was just his assistant, but shouldn’t he let his assistant do his job?
“Mr. Bilford, what if instead of damning these independent features, we ride the wave? Instead of designing films we think will be successful, what if we designed films people want to see? Instead of hiring actors that attract big crowds, what if we hired actors with big promise, and even set out for unknown actors who may be even better? We could hire associates to view screenplays before production occurs to make sure it is suitable for release. We could finance the crazy ideas skilled directors have been trying to create for years! Instead of big budgets with included thrills, we could have small-budgets with engaging stories. Instead of finding the best material to create adaptations, we could find the best material for creating original stories. Why, our success could inspire generations of filmmakers. More people could become interested in filming at a young age and we would never have to lose hope in finding new material. It could inspire the award ceremonies as well! Picture this Mr. Bilford: our movies will be so sincere that the Oscars will surprise everyone by not awarding the film they liked best, but the film they feel is the best. Upon seeing how good our films are, they will come to their senses and abolish the Best Animated feature category, upon realizing that films are measured on quality and not personal preference. Better yet, they could set aside their prejudices and give nominations for comedies, musicals, and horrors all in the same year. Face the facts, people don’t want to see “cool” movies, they want to see “good” movies! We don’t need to spend billions on advertising, because the truly good films will be recognized. The box-office will cease to be a popularity contest, and will become a competition for the best film. This could lead to repeat viewings and billions of additional dollars in the process. Sequels will come not to gain more dollars, but if the people want it and a worthy script is created. We will not substitute one for another; the sequels would have to follow both rules to be financed. The possibilities are endless! Peace amongst rival motion picture studios will be established, movie theatre prices will go down due to the increasing quality of movies, and they will attract more people and earn more money than if the prices had been increased. World peace figuratively. Films would be established as art by every common man, and rival countries would see the methods of American films and set out to improve their own films. Thus we would be able to admire each other and not have to worry about prejudices.”
“Take it easy Marcus, I think you went a little far there. However, are you trying to say that we could trick movie-goers into seeing good movies?
“Precisely. The films would cost millions less to make, they would earn billions more than they do now, and our movie-goers will finally treat us with respect.”
“It’s genius! They’ll never know what hit them.”
“I knew you’d see it my way boss. Our next gimmick: instead of making bad movies in hopes of high box-office results, we could make good movies and watch as the money rolls in.”
Just then, Mr. Bilford began to cry. He hadn’t noticed, but his assistant’s wise words would revolutionize film, and they’ never have to worry about “box-office bombs” ever again. As Marcus took this as a ticket to leave the room, Mr. Bilford collapsed into his black leather chair. Mr. Bilford’s relax did not last long, however, because he soon launched himself out of the chair and approached his desk. He had several phone calls to make.
The events, institutions, and characters presented in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental. All motion pictures featured belong to their appropriate owners. No portion of this writing may be reproduced by any means (except for criticism on this thread), without the permission of the copyright holder (me).
- Nickolas DeVito, Dumb-Nuts Inc. (C) 2011