(Hey, this counts as a fan fic in a way. Since Doug didn’t do a REAL bum review, i wanted to do one.)
Author’s Note: Cars 2 Belongs to Pixar and Disney. Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.
…
[b]And now it’s time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
Tonight’s review: Cars 2[/b]
“OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!”
“Ladies and Gentleman, start your-SPOILERS!”
“So there’s this spy, named Finn Mcmissile”
“But get this: He’s a car!”
“I was a Car once!”
“Only i was filled with clowns”
“So he’s on this oil platform, and there’s this other spy, and he’s ash!”
“Yes, Ash…from pokemon!”
“Gotta catch em’ all, caremon!”
“And Finn is trying to meet up with him, but then this bad guy captures him!”
“And there’s this bad guy, named professor what’shisface, and he’s torturing ash!”
“I was tortured once!”
“I was forced to watch Batman and Robin.”
“So then ash is like…”
“Insert one liner here”
“And the bad guy is like…”
“There’s this new fuel, and it has a weakness…it makes people blow up when they are near magnets”
“And ash is like…”
“Insert another one liner here”
“And the bad guy then blows him up and he dies!”
“You know-for kids!”
“So then there’s tow truck, and he’s larry the cable guy!”
“…Sadly,i was NOT larry the cable guy once”
“But i was a toy dinosaur!”
“Those force field dogs clogged my stomach”
“So he’s with his best friend Lightning Mcqueen”
“And they’re watching this show with an Italian guy! And he’s like!”
“It’s a-me Douchebagio!”
“He’s talk about McQueen and Douchebagio is like…”
“McQueen, he’s a-crappy racer! …Meatball!”
“But Mater calls in, and he’s like…”
“Screw you, Douchebagio! McQueen is a darn tootin’ good Good racer. Git R done! …Oh and i hate meatballs!”
“So McQueen is gonna race in the world grand pri, and they go to japan!”
“I Went to japan once!”
"“I was attacked by these little girls with big eyes and ears like a cat…”
“So then Mater runs into the spy guy, and the spy and mater are like…”
“You are the American spy, right?”
“Hey look Batman’s butler!”
“…Good enough”
“And there’s this spy chick, named Holly Swiftwell”
“I hope she does shift well!”
RIMSHOT
“So Mater doesn’t know these are spies, and Holly is his girlfriend!”
“How ridiculous…larry the cable guy having a girlfriend. How stupid!”
“Well it’s better then my last girlfriend…”
“Mailboxes don’t like to talk much”
“So there’s also this other guy, named Axelrod who made this alternative fuel, and he’s like…”
“This fuel is safe! So safe every racer will have to use it. Oh and it doesn’t make people blow up. Expect for Ash. He’s a goner”
“So Mater becomes a spy, and they go to paris!”
“I’ve been to paris once! …Paris, Texas!”
“I have no joke about that”
“So then Mater accidentally messes up McQueen’s race, and he’s like…”
“You suck mater! Leave me alone you piece of trash! Oh and i also hate meatballs”
“So Mater’s sad, but it’s okay, cuz he’s a spy now!”
“So the bad guy is making all the cars explode, with that fuel!”
“I exploded once!”
“Micehal Bay is hard to hang out with”
“So they go to this other place, and Mater has to disguise himself!”
“I was in disguise once!”
“Ever wonder why me and katy perry are never in the same room at the same time?”
“So then they learn the bad guys really plan to use the fuel to explode all the racers, so people will switch to oil, and cuz they have a oil rig, they’ll make a bunch of money and take over the world!”
“…No, I’m not gonna say it”
“So later, mater, finn, and holly are captured and taken to Big Bently!”
“Get it?”
“…Yea me neither”
“So eventually Mater escapes but then it turns out the bad guy planted a bomb on him!”
“Hey, the movie didn’t do THAT bad!”
“So then Mater asks the bad guy to use the bombs voice activation thing, because only the person who can de-activate is the person who put it on!”
“Ugh, i know what THAT’S like!”
“…Actually no I don’t. I’m just making things up”
“But when the bad guy says de-activate…it doesn’t work!”
“Then it turns out that the real bad guy is…AXELROD!”
“WHAT A TWIST!”
“It turns out he made this fuel, and teamed up with the other bad guys to make people use regular oil so they can make money!”
“I made a fake fuel once!”
“…”
“And you know what’s even more surprising?”
“Mater figured it out!”
“Yes, he was able to figure this all out!”
“Meh, poser. I figured out the twist to The Last Airbender!”
“Aang is really a elephant”
“So the bad guy is arrested, Mater is knighted, and everyone goes back home”
“Oh and there’s a moral or something.”
“And there’s one more twist. McQueen didn’t explode because the fake fuel was replaced by fuel made this hippie guy!”
“Sure it was replaced by a army dude, but we all know the hippie did it!”
“I knew it! The hippie’s shall inherit the earth!”
“LONG LIVE HIPPIES!”
“This is Chester A Bum saying…”
“CHANGE? YOU GOT CHANGE? OH COME ON HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA, COME ON CHANGE? At least help me become a spy car! I want to meet a sexy hybrid car!”
Seriously though, Cars 2 was actually pretty good.
