Wiggum: “All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.” Crazy Man: “Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin’ guns?!” Wiggum:“Hey, I told you, you don’t get your gun until you tell me your name.” Crazy Man: “I’ve had it up to here with your ‘rules!’”
From the episode where Marge becomes a cop. Just the way the crazy guy says “ru-les” with the finger quotes gets me every time.
From the episode where the Simpsons are given new identities:
Agent: “We have places your family can hide in peace and security: Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville --” Homer: [enthusiastically] “Ooh, Ice Creamville!” Agent: “Er, no, Screamville.” Homer:screams
Homer: “I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called… ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down’”
Tour guide: “Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future where nothing can possibli go wrong” worried look Tour guide: “Possibly go wrong. Heh. That’s the first thing that’s ever gone wrong.”
Skinner: “I’ll write a great American novel. It will be about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought back to life with advanced cloning techniques. I’ll call it ‘Billy and the Clonosaurus’.”
Officer : Hey chef, i think there was a dead body in there…
Wiggum : I thought that too, until he said, (don’t remember… :S), you gotta learn to listen…
Well, here is my favorite from the Simpsons Movie:
Homer: Spider Pig, Spider Pig, Does whatever a Spider Pig does. Can he swing from a web? No he can’t. He’s a pig. Look oooooouuuuut! He is a spider pig!
Marge: He filled the whole silo in just 2 days?
Homer: Well I helped.
Homer: But what if they take you?
Mob: No we won’t we only want homer.
Homer: But what about grandpa?
Grandpa: I’m part of the mob!
Apu: “Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn’t you think this through… [later] …was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had… [later] …most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?! [realizing] I mean, thank you, come again.”
And from the same episode:
Superintendent Chalmers: “Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children.”
Robo-Richard-Simons: playing Shake Your Booty (not exactly a quote, but it was a machine so it was kinda saying it )
Homer: screams and runs away
Home (speaking to Burns): What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Man: You call that a knife? This is a knife. Bart: That’s not a knife, that’s a spoon. Man: All right, all right, you win, heh. I see you’ve played knifey-spooney before.
The PTA Disbands
Bart: [walking up] Now for Operation Strike-Make-Go-Longer. [to teacher] You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.
[the teachers whisper it forward through the line] Teacher: [to Edna] Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. Edna: Well! We’ll show him, especially for that “purple monkey dishwasher” remark.
Who Shot Mr. Burns Part One
Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff. [“Approved”]
[…] Ralph: Chocolate microscopes. [“Approved”] Otto: You know those guitars, that are like, double guitars, you know? [“Approved”] Skinner: More rubber stamps. [“Approved”]
Radioactive Man
Man 1: So where can we shoot this picture? Assistant: [holding a map of the US] We need a city that has a nuclear reactor, and a gorge, and can guarantee us the full cooperation of city officials. Woman: I’ll check “Variety”. [flips past “Film New York”, “Film Texas”, and “Film Utah” ads] Assistant: Wow! Look at that ad! [a small box with “Flim Springfield” in it] All right, this place must be hot. They don’t need a big ad, or even correct spelling. Man 1: I agree with that logic. Assistant: [into intercom] Get me two plane tickets to the state that Springfield is in.
{Flashback}
Barney: Let’s never drink again.
Homer: Okay.
{Present}
Homer: And we never did. {Homer takes a sip of beer.}
{Homer cuts off his thumb}
Dr. Hibbert: I’m sorry, but your insurance can’t pay off your injurie.
Homer: But I have finger insurance.
Dr. Hibbert: Thumbs not a finger.
Willie [upon watching Selma’s video dating presentation]: “Eeeew! Back to the loch with you, Nessie!”
…
Homer [upon stumbling over his doppelganger]: “Hey, that guy looks just like me. But wait! There’s a dog with a puffy tail! [gleefully chases dog] Hee hee hee! Here, Puff!”
…
…and the winner is…
from “Lisa the Vegetarian”
Homer: Lisa, are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: [with sarcastic eye roll] Oh, sure, Lisa. Some kind of wonderful, magical animal.
Homer: What’s the meaning of life?
God: Homer, I can’t tell you that. You’ll find out when you die.
Homer: I can’t wait that long!
God: You can’t wait six months?
Homer: No, tell me now.
God: Oh, all right. The meaning of life is— episode ends
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