Fore-note: MAJOR spoilers and NO tags!! Don’t read the bottom half of this unless you want to know the entire film by heart!!
Hello, everyone. Good day and a pleasant evening to all of you Pixar Animation Studios fans out there.
It has been approxiamately eighteen days since Disney/Pixar’s newest computer animated film, Ratatouille, rolled out onto numerous theaters and captured the hearts and minds of many film and animation fans.
To date, the production itself has grossed over $100 million since its domestic release in the United States and various other countries alone. However, numbers mean nothing in the overall compilation of things; for if the film itself is not a success, than what do its green bill counterparts amount to? Ah, but this is no mere children’s theater play that has stolen the attention of many cinema attendees; it is, in fact, a glorious collaboration of heart and effort, one that is to be respected, reviewed, and enjoyed by many instead of being simply glossed over or thrown to the side-lines.
Never in my life has the pitter-patter of little rodent feet upon a sleek, polished, and moon-lit kitchen floor ever sounded so melodic and synchronizingly delightful. It has captured my soul so much, in fact, that my love for the film has finally reached its over-flowing climax and has thus poured over into the abyss. What is the abyss, you say? Simply this:
Due to the fact that I have seen the film a vast amount of times, and because I am simply a well-worn and hard-core geek when any discussion about Ratatouille reaches my ears, I have decided to attempt to write out the entire script using only the dialogue that is quoted throughout the film. This is all from memory, folks. Whether or not this is legal, I have no idea, but if it is…I ask that my fellow moderators and/or administrators to remove this thread immediately for the sake of other viewers.
As indicated by the title of this particular thread, no spoiler tags will be used in this run-down, word-for-word script, even though the entire script itself is a spoiler. Of course, I will be happy to oblige and include spoiler tags if necessary, but the whole point of this specific post is pretty much self-explainatory: It is for my (and others’) viewing pleasure.
Since it would be virtually impossible for me to compose the entire script in one day, I will jot down the production itself day by day and/or bit by bit. Let’s see how long it will take me to complete the entire script…
Happy reading! 
– Mitch
Disclaimer: I do not own the film, Ratatouille, nor do I claim to own or represent any of the characters, locations, and/or various other quoted material from the said production. Ratatouille and its entities are the property of Disney/Pixar.
I also do not know every line in the film (as indicated by the abscense of several words/phrases/sentences via a bar line as such: _______).
[b]Ratatouille[/b]
TV ANNOUNCER: “Although each of the world’s countries would like to dispute this fact, we French know the truth: The best food in the world is made in France; the best food in France is made in Paris; and the best food in Paris, some say, is made by chef Auguste Gusteau. Guseau’s restaurant is the toast of Paris, booked five months in advance. He’s the youngest chef ever to achieve a five star rating, and his ______ ascent to the top of fine French cuisine has made his competitors…envious. Chef Gusteau’s cookbook, Anyone Can Cook, climbed to the top of the “Best Seller” list, but not everyone celebrated success…”
ANTON EGO: “Amusing title: “Anyone Can Cook”. What’s even more amusing is that Gusteau actually seems to believe it. I, on the other hand, take cooking seriously, and no, I don’t think anyone can do it.”
REMY (NARRATION): “This…is…me. I think it’s apparent I need to rethink my life a little bit. What’s my problem? First of all…I’m a rat, which means life is hard. And second, I have a highly developed sense of taste and smell.”
REMY: “Flour, eggs, sugar… Mmm…vanilla bean. Oh! A small twist of lemon!”
EMILE: “Oh, you can smell all that? You have a gift!”
REMY: “This is Emile, my brother. He’s easily impressed.”
DJANGO: “Soooo, you can smell ingredients! So what?”
REMY (NARRATION): “This is my dad. He’s never impressed. He also happens to be the leader of our clan. Soooo…what’s wrong with having highly-developed senses?”
REMY: “Woah, woah, woah! Don’t eat that!”
DJANGO: “Wha-? What’s goin’ on here?”
REMY (NARRATION): “Turns out that funny smell was rat poison. Suddenly dad didn’t think my talent was useless. I was feelin’ pretty good about my gift…until dad…gave me a job.”
REMY: “Clean… Clean…”
REMY (NARRATION): “That’s right. Poison checker.”
REMY: “Cleanerific. Cleanareen-o. Close to godliness – which means…“clean”. Ya’ know. Cleanliness? It’s short for uhh… Ah…nevermind. Move on.”
REMY (NARRATION): “Well, it made my dad proud.”
DJANGO: “Now, don’t you feel better, Remy? Huh? You’ve helped a noble cause.”
REMY: “Noble? We-we’re theives, dad. And what we’re stealing is, let’s face it, garbage!”
DJANGO: “It’s not stealing if no one wants it.”
REMY: “If no one wants it then why are we stealing it??!”
REMY (NARRATION): “Let’s just say we have different points of view. This much I knew. If you are what you eat, then I only want to eat the good stuff. But to my dad…”
DJANGO: “Food is fuel: You get picky about what you put in the tank your engine is gonna die. Now shut up and eat your garbage.”
REMY: “Look, if we’re going to be theives, we not steal the good stuff from the kitchen – where nothing is poisoned…?!”
DJANGO: “First of all, we are not theives. Secondly, stay out of the kitchen and away from the humans. It’s dangerous!”
REMY (NARRATION): “I know I’m supposed to hate humans, but…there’s something about them. They don’t just survive. They discover; they create! I mean, just look at what they do with food!”
GUSTEAU (ON TELEVISION): “How can I describe it? Food is like…music you can taste; color you can smell! You need only be aware…to stop and savor it.”
REMY (NARRATION): “Mmmm. Oh, Gusteau was right. Mmm, yeah. Amazing. Each flavor was totally unique! But…combine one flavor with another, and something new was created! So now…I led a secret life. The only one who knew about it was Emile.”
REMY: “Hey, Emile! Psst. Emile! I found a mushroom! Come on, you’re good at hiding things. Help me find a good place to put this.”
REMY (NARRATION): “He doesn’t understand me, but I can be myself around him.”
EMILE: “Why are you walking like that?”
REMY: “I don’t want to have to constantly wash my paws. Do you ever think about the same paws that we handle food with? Do you ever think about…what we put into our mouths?”
EMILE: “All the time!”
REMY: “Ugh. When I eat I don’t want to taste everywhere my paws have been.”
EMILE: “Well…go ahead, but if dad sees you walking like that he’s not gonna like it.”
REMY: “What have you got there? Ah. Ohh-ho-ho-ho. You found cheese?? And not just any cheese! Tomme de chevre de paix!! That would go beautifully with my mushroom! And! And…and…oh, this rosemary! This rosemary, and…uhh…maybe…uhh…a few drops from this sweet grass!”
EMILE: “Well, throw it in the pile I guess and then we’ll-”
REMY: “No, we don’t want to throw this in with the garbage! This is special…”
EMILE: “But we have to return to the colony before sundown or else dad’s gonna-”
REMY: “Emile!! There are possiblities unexplored here. W-We gotta cook this! Now exactly how we cook this is the real questio- Oh-ho-ho. Yeah!!”
REMY: “The key, is to keep turning it – get the smokey flavor niiiice and eeeven.”
EMILE: “That’s storm’s getting closer. Hey, Remy? Do you think that maybe we shouldn’t be so-”
ZAP!
EMILE ET REMY: “Ahhhh!!!”
REMY: “Ohhh. Uhhh. Mmm. Ohhhhh…you gotta taste this!! Oh, it’s like a…burning…melty… It’s not really a smokey taste, it’s more of a…like a…Pa-scheere!! And a…ba-BOOM…ZAP…kind of taste!! D-Don’t you think? What would you call this flavor?”
EMILE: “Lightning-y?”
REMY: “Yeah. It’s lightning-y!! Oh, we gotta do that again!! Ok, when the next storm comes…we go up on the roof… -gasp- I know what this needs! Saffron! A little saffron would make this!!”
EMILE: “Saffron. Why do I get the feeling i-”
REMY ET EMILE: “-it’s in the kitchen!”
EMILE: “Not good.”
REMY: “Saffron…”
EMILE: “Don’t like it. She’s gonna wake up!”
REMY: “Don’t worry, I’ve been down here a million times. She turns on the cooking channel, – BOOM – ,she never wakes up.”
EMILE: “Wait a minute. You’ve…been here a million times?”
REMY: “I’m tellin’ ya, saffron would be just the thing. Gusteau swears by it!”
EMILE: "Ok. Who’s Gusteau?
REMY: “Just the greatest chef in the world – wrote this cookbook.”
EMILE: “W-W-Wait. You…read??”
REMY: “Yeah, well, not…excessively.”
EMILE: “Ahhh, man. Does dad know?”
REMY: “Eheh. You could fill a book – alot of books – with stuff dad doesn’t know. And they have, which is why I read. Which…is also our secret.”
EMILE: “I don’t like secrets! All this cooking…a-a-and reading, and TV watching while we…read and cook. It’s like you’re involving me in crime, and I let you. Why do I let you??”
DJANGO: “What’s takin’ those kids so long?”
REMY: “Ahhh. L’aquila saffron. Italian, huh? Gusteau says it’s excellent. Good thing the old lady’s a food love-”
GUSTEAU: “Forget legend. Forget mystique! This is about your cooking…”
REMY: “Hey! Hey, that’s Gusteau! Emile, look!”
GUSTEAU: “Great cooking is not for the faint of heart. You must be imaginative; strong-hearted; you must try things that may not work; and must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. What I say is true: Anyone can cook, but only the fearless…can be great.”
REMY: “Pure…poetry.”
TV ANNOUNCER: “But, it was not to last. Gusteau’s! restaurant lost one of its five stars after a scathinig review by France’s top food critic, Anton Ego. It was a severe blow to Gusteau, and the broken-hearted chef died shortly afterward…which, according to tradition, meant the loss of another star.”
REMY: “Gusteau…is dead??”
Mabel awakes
MABEL: “Oh… Oh!”
Mabe fires gunshots
REMY: “Ah!”
Emile runs for cover while dodging bullets
REMY: “No! You’ll lead her to the colony!”
Mabel fires several gunshots at the frantic Emile, missing each time, before finally blasting the pudgy rat off of the rafters and onto a swinging chandelier; Mabel runs out of bullets before she can eliminate Emile with a single shot, giving Remy time to rescue his brother
EMILE: “Help! Remy, help!”
REMY: “Emile, start swinging the light…”
Mabel quickly turns 'round to face Remy, but apart from understanding his language…all she hears are desperate squeaks
REMY: “…I’ll try to grab you!”
Remy climbs up the rafters to face Emile
REMY: “Emile, swing to me!”
Remy grabs hold of his brother, but is swing from the rafters onto the chandalier; Remy and Emile climb into a hole in the wall above just before Mabel hits them with a well-aimed bullet
MABEL: “Oh!”
Cracks appear in the wall above, before the entire ceiling collapses…revealing a hord of rats
MABEL: “Ahhh!”
DJANGO: “Evacuate! Everyone, to the boats!”
Clan escapes to waterfront
DJANGO: “Go, go! Move!”
RANDOM RAT: “Here…!”
DJANGO: “Make sure everybody’s he-. Where’s Remy?”
REMY: “Dad! Wait for me! I’m coming!”
DJANGO: “Hold on, son! Give him something to grab onto…! You can make it! Come on. Reach for it!”
Gunshot is fired
DJANGO: “Remy!!”
REMY: “Dad!”
Django and clan disappear into depths of sewer
DJANGO (IN BACKROUND): _______ (“Come on, keep paddling!” ??)
REMY: “Guys, wait! Stop! Hold up!”
Distant cries in backround
REMY: “Dad?! Dad? Which way? Oh, oh, oh…ah, ahhhh!!”
REMY (NARRATION): “I waited…for a sound; a voice; a sign; something…”
GUSTEAU (ILLUSTRATION): “If you are hungry, go up and look around, Remy. Why do you wait and moan?”
REMY: “Well, I’ve just lost my family; all my friends – probably forever.”
GUSTEAU: “How do you know?”
REMY: “Well, I-. -sharp chuckle- You are an illustration. Why am I talking to you?”
GUSTEAU: “Oh, you’ve just lost your family; all your friends. You are lonley.”
REMY: “Yeah, well, you’re dead.”
GUSTEAU: “Ah, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead. No go up, and look around!”
FRENCHMAN: “You don’t have the guts!!”
Gunshot is fired
REMY: “Paris? All this time…I’ve been underneath…Paris? Wow… Ahh… It’s beautiful…”
GUSTEAU: “Ze most…beautiful.”
REMY: “Gusteau’s!?? You’re restaurant? You…you’ve led me to your restaurant!”
GUSTEAU: “Ah, it seems as…though I have. Yes! Here it is! I have led you to it!”
REMY: “Ah, I gotta see this…”
orders from various chefs are to be heard being shouted across the kitchen at one another
LALO: “Hello, Chef Skinner! _____.”
COLETTE: “Evening, chef.”
LAROUSE: “Hey, boss. Look who is here. Alfredo Linguini: Renata’s little boy! All grown up, eh? You remember Renata, Gusteau’s old flame?”
SKINNER: “Ah, yes. How are you…ahh…”
LAROUSE: “…Linguini.”
SKINNER: “Yes, Linguini. Your mother…”
LAROUSE: “Renata.”
SKINNER: “Renata. How is she?”
LINGUINI: “Good! I mean, not… Uh. She’s been better. I mean, she…uhh…”
HORST: “She died.”
SKINNER: “Oh. I am…sorry.”
LINGUINI: “Oh, don’t be! She believed in heaven so she’s…covered. You know? After-life-wise? Uhh… Ohhh. Eheh.”
SKINNER: “What’s this?”
LINGUINI: “Uh, she left it for you. I think she thought it would help…me, you know, g-get a job…here?”
LAROUSE: “But, of course! Gusteau wouldn’t hesitate! Any sone of Renata’s is most…”
SKINNER: “Yes, well, I’m sure we could file this and…if something suitable comes up…”
LAROUSE: “We have already hired him.”
SKINNER: “WHAT?! How dare you hire someone without my permissi-”
HORST: “We needed a garbage boy.”
SKINNER: “Oh. Garbage. Well, I’m glad it worked out.”
LINGUINI: “Uhh…”
REMY: “I can’t believe it. A real gormet kitchen and I get to watch!”
GUSTEAU: “Hahaha. You’ve read my book, now let’s see how much you know. Which one is the chef?”
REMY: “Oh! Uhhh… Oh! That guy.”
GUSTEAU: “Good. Who is second-in-command?”
REMY: “The sous chef…there. Uh, the sous…is responsible for the ktichen when the chef’s not around. Saucier – in charge of sauces; very important. Uh, chef de partie, demi chef de partie – both important. Commis… Commie; they’re cooks – very important.”
GUSTEAU: “Ah! You are a clever rat! Now, who is that?”
REMY: “Oh, him? He’s nobody.”
GUSTEAU: “He is not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.”
REMY: “He’s a plongeur…or something. He washes dishes and takes out the garbage; he doesn’t cook.”
GUSTEAU: “But, he could.”
REMY: “Ah…eheheh. No.”
GUSTEAU: “Well, why not?* What do I always say? Anyone can cook.”
REMY: “Well, yeah, anyone can; that doesn’t mean that anyone should.”
GUSTEAU: “Well, that is not stopping him! See?”
REMY: “Wha-… What is he doing? No. No!! No, this is terrible! Cheh…uh… He’s ruining the soup! And nobody’s noticing? Eh…je… It’s your restaurant! Do something!!!”
GUSTEAU: “What can I do? I am a figment of your imagination.”
REMY: “But he’s ruining the soup!!! We’ve gotta tell somebody… Ah!”
GUSTEAU: “Remy!”
REMY: “AH!”
GUSTEAU: “_______ (What are you doing?)”
REMY: “Is this gonna become a regular thing with you?!”
GUSTEAU: “You know how to fix it. This is your chance!”
SKINNER: “The soup! Where is the soup? Out of my way! Move it, garbage boy! You are cookiiiing??!! How dare you cook in my kitchen! Where do you get the gaul to even attempt to be so monumentally deluded?! I should have you drawn and quartered. I-I’ll do it! I-I think the law is on my side! Larouse! _____, after you put him in the _____ to squeeze the fat out of his brains!!”
LINGUINI: “Oh…oh…oh…no!!”
SKINNER: “What are you blabbering about?!”
LINGUINI: “Th-th-the soup!!”
SKINNER: “The soouup? -gasp- Stop that soup! Noooooooo!!! Uh…”
LECLAIRE: “Oh, uh, waiter?”
SKINNER: " -gasp- LinguNIIII!!! You’re fired! F-I-R-E-D. FIRED!!"
MUSTAFA: “She wants to…see the chef.”
SKINNER: “But he…uh…me… -clears throat-.”
COLETTE: “What did the customer say?”
MUSTAFA: “It was not a customer; it was a critic!”
COLETTE: " -short gasp- Ego?"
SKIINNER: “Soleine LeClaire*…”
COLETTE: “LeClaire! What did she say…?”
MUSTAFA: “She likes the soup!”
GUSTEAU: “Remy, wait!”
REMY: “What do you mean “wait”? You’re the reason I’m in this mess!”
GUSTEAU: “Someone is asking about your soup!”
SKINNER: What…are…you…playing at??"
LINGUINI: “Umm, I… Uhh. Am I still fired?”
COLETTE: “You can’t fire him!”
SKINNER: "WHAT??’
COLETTE: “LeClaire likes it. Yeah! She made a point of telling you so! If she writes a review to that effect and finds out you fired the cook responsible…”
SKINNER: “He’s a garbage boy!”
COLETTE: “Who made something she liked! How can we claim to represent the name of Gusteau if we don’t uphold his most cherished belief?”
SKINNER: “And what believe is that, Mademoiselle Tatou?”
COLETTE: “Anyone can cook.”
SKINNER: " … Perhaps I have been a bit, er, 'ash…on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him?"
GUSTEAU: “Ahem.”
REMY: “Hm?”
GUSTEAU: “You were…escaping?”
REMY: “Oh! Yeah…”
SKINNER: “Since you have expressed such an interest in his cooking career, you will be responsible for him. Anyone else? Hm? Then…back to work! You are either very lucky or very unlucky. You will make the soup again, and this time…I’ll be paying attention: very…close…attention. They think…you might be a cook, but you know what I think, Linguini? I think you are a sneaky, over-reaching little… -gasp- …RAAAAAT!!! Arghh…!”
Skinner whacks Remy off the windowsill and into the side of the soup pot with a mop
SKINNER: “Get the rat! Linguini, get something to trap it!!”
Linguini successfully traps Remy in a rather diminuative glass jar
LINGUINI: “What should I do now?!”
SKINNER: “Kill it!!”
LINGUINI: “Now?!”
SKINNER: “No, not in the kitchen! Are you mad? Do you know what would happen if anyone knew we had a rat in our kitchen? They’d close us down! Our reputation is hanging by a thread as it is! Take it somewhere away from here – far away. Kill it. Dispose of it! GO!!”
LINGUINI: “Woah!! Oh…!”
LINGUINI: “Don’t…look at me like that! You’re not the only one who’s trapped; they expect me to cook it again! I-I’m not ambitious. I wasn’t trying to cook; I was just trying to stay out of trouble! You’re the one who was gettin’ fancy with the spices! What did you throw in there? Oregano?! No?! What? R-Ra-Rosemary?”
REMY: shakes head
LINGUINI: “That’s a spice, isn’t it? Rosemary?”
REMY: nods
LINGUINI: “You didn’t…throw a little rosemary in there?”
REMY: shakes head
LINGUINI: “Then what was with all the flipping and…all the throwing and the… Ugh. I need this job. I’ve lost so many. I don’t know how to cook and now I’m actually talking to a rat as if you… Ah! Did you nod? Ha-have you been nodding?!”
REMY: nods
LINGUINI: “Ah! You understand me?!”
REMY: nods
LINGUINI: “So I’m not crazy! Heh! Wait a second, wait a second… Uhh… Heh. I can’t cook, can I?”
REMY: shakes head
LINGUINI: “But…you… Heh. You can! Right?”
REMY: shrugs
LINGUINI: “Look, don’t be so modest. You’re a rat, for Pete’s sake! Whatever you did, they liked it!”
REMY: smiles innocently/in a thankful fashion
LINGUINI: “Yeah… This could work… Hey, they liked the soup! Ah!”
LINGUINI: “They liked the soup. Do you think you could…do it again?”
REMY: nods
LINGUINI: “Ok, I’m gonna let you out now. But we’re together on this! Right?”
REMY: nods eagerly/excitedly
LINGUINI: “Ok.”
LINGUINI: “Ugh… Ugh!! Freakin’…! Uh. Gah…ge… Well, th-this is it! It’s much, but it’s…it’s not much. Could be worse! There’s heat and there’s light and a couch with a tv so, you know, what’s mine is yours.”
LADY (ON TV): “Are you… Is this…a dream?”
GENTLEMAN (ON TV): “Ze best kind of dream: One we can share…”
LADY (ON TV): “But why here? Why now?”
GENTLEMANT (ON TV): “Why not here? Why not now? What better place to dream…then in Paris…”
- Remy quietly and sentimentally falls asleep in an oven mit on the windowsill -
LINGUINI: “Uhh… Mornin’, little chef. Raise and shi-. - gasp - Oh no. Idiot, I knew this would happen! I let a rat into my kitchen and tell him what’s mine is his? Egg’s gone! Stupid! He’s stolen food and hit the road! What did I expect?! That’s what I get for trusting a ra-.”
Remy is seen cooking omelletes
LINGUINI: “Hi… Uhh…is that for me?”
Remy nods and serves Linguini his share of the omellete
LINGUINI: “Mmm. That’s good. W-What did you put in this?”
Remy holds up an herb
LINGUINI: “Where’d you get that?”
Remy points to a garden outside the window and below Linguini’s aparment
LINGUINI: “Look, it’s delicious but don’t steal. I’ll buy some spices, ok?”
Remy shrugs
LINGUINI: “Oh no, we’re gonna be late…and on the first day! Ohm. Come on, little chef!”
COLETTE (READING A NEWSPAPER): “Though I, like many other critic, have written off Gusteau’s relevance since the great chef’s death, the soup was…a revelation – a spicy, yet subtle, taste experience.”
SKINNER: “Soleine LeClaire*?”
COLETTE: “Yes!”
LALO: “LeClaire*…”
COLETTE (READING A NEWSPAPER): “Against all odds, Gusteau’s has recaptured our attention. Only time will tell if they deserve it.”
LINGUINI: “Well… Umm… Ya’ know… Look, I know it’s stupid and weird, but…none of us can do this along so we’ve gotta do it together, right? You with me? So…let’s DO THIS THING!!!”
Linguini bashes through back doors, only to face humiliation
SKINNER: “Welcome to hell. Now, recreate the soup. Take all the time you need – a whole week, if you must!”
LINGUINI: “The soup…”
Linguini attempts to recreate the soup, but Remy blocks him from choosing the wrong incredients by biting him; Linguini hits Remy, but this only inflicts more pain upon both entities; Linguini soon escapes to the food locker
LINGUINI: “Ahhh! Ahhhh-aaaah! AHHHHHH!!! This is NOT gonna work, little chef! I’m gonna lose it if we do this anymore… We…we gotta think of something else – something that doesn’t involve any biting, or nipping, or running up and down my body with your little rat feet. Biting? No! Scampering? No! No scampering or stiring. Ok, little chef? Little chef…?”
Remy stares hungrily ate a wheel of cheese behind Linguini
LINGUINI: “Oh, you’re hungry…”
Linguini offers a piece of the cheese to Remy, who grabs it and starts nibbling on it without hesitation
LINGUINI: Alright, we’re gonna have to figure this out. You know how to cook and I know how to appear…uhh…human. We’re gonna have to work out a system, so that I do what you want without looking like I"m being controlled by a tiny rat chef…* Oh, will you listen to me? I’m insane! I’m insane! I’m insane! I’m in a refridgerator talking to a rat about cooking in a gourmet restaurant! We will never pull this off!"
Skinner overhears their conversation from outside the food locker
SKINNER: “Linguini?”
LINGUINI: “We’ve gotta communicate. I can’t keep constantly checking for a yes or no head shake from a ra-.”
Skinner enters the scene, and Linguini quickly turns out the lights before hiding Remy in his toque for protection
SKINNER: “The rat! I-I saw it!”
LINGUINI: “Uhh… Rat?”
SKINNER: “Yes, a rat…right next to you! … What are you doing in heeeRRRE??!!”
LINGUINI: “Um… I was just familiarizing myself…with the…uhh…vegetables and…such.”
SKINNER: “Get out.”
Linguini departs
SKINNER: “One can get too familiar with vegetables, you know!”
LINGUINI: “Ohh. That was close. You ok up there?”
as Linguini heads towards Mustafa, the latter of whom is carrying a heavy tray of food, Remy ranks on Linguini’s hair in a flash, causing the unwitty garbage boy to fling backwards and underneath the tray before popping back up again with a flourish; Mustafa, meanwhile, wears an expression of great shock and surprise; Linguini laughs clumsily and darts into the staff bathroom
LINGUINI: “How did you do that?”
Remy discovers that pulling on Linguini’s hair works the same way as a puppeteer might control a marionette
LINGUINI: “Woah-ho! That’s strangely involuntar-y!! Ooph!”
REMY (NARRATING): “One look and I knew: We had the same crazy idea.”
back in Linguini’s apartment, Remy delivers a small ladle of pantomime by covering his eyes with a blindfold in an attempt to make Linguini understand what he requires him to do; Linguini obliges, and a hilarious sequence ensues in which Linguini is virtually steered around his apartment by Remy, stumbling occassionally and causing various mishaps in his very diminuative “kitchen” to take place
The only distinguishable words//sentences spoken by Linguini during this sequence are, “Whe-Where are you talking me?” and “Whoops! Sorry.”.
Linguini finishes the soup the next morning
GUSTEAU: “That should do it.”
SKINNER: “Hmm. Congratulations. You were able to repeat your “accidental success”. But you will need to know more than soup…if you are to survive in my kitchen, boy. Colette will be responsible for showing you how we do things here.”
LINGUINI: “Listen, I just want you to know how honored I am to be studying under such…”
Colette impales the hem of Linguini’s shirt sleeve with an initmidatingly sharp knife
COLETTE: “No. You listen! I just want you to know exactly who you are dealing with. How many woman do you see in this kitchen?”
LINGUINI: “Uhhh…”
Colette strikes his sleeve with yet another knife
COLETTE: “Only me. What do you think that is??”
LINGUINI: “Oh, because…you’re… Well, you’re…”
COLETTE: " Because haute cuisine is an antiquated hierarchy built upon rules written by stupid, old men – rules designed to make it impossible for women to enter this world. Yet still I’m here. How did this happen?!"
LINGUINI: “Uhh… Because you… You, uhh…”
another knife descends upon Linguini’s now severly-punctured uniform
COLETTE: “…because I am the toughest cook in this kitchen! I have worked too hard for too long to get here, and I am not going to jeopardize it for some garbage boy who got lucky. Got it?!”
she pulls out all three knives with a flourish, almost as if she had struck them into a pillow and not through a sleeve and into a hard, wooden board
LINGUINI: “Ha ha ha! Wow!!”
FRANCOIS: “Easy to cook, easy to eat! Gusteau makes Chinese food…Chin-easy!”
SKINNER: “Hahah! Excellent work, Francois, as usual!”
FRANCOIS: “It’s good, isn’t it?”
SKINNER: “I want you to work up something for my latest frozen food concept: Gusteau’s…corn puppies. They’re like corn dogs, only smaller – bite size.”
FRANCOIS: "What are corn dogs?:
SKINNER: “Ah, cheap sausages dipped in butter and deep fried. You know… American. Whip something up. How about…Gusteau in overals and ______?”
FRANCOIS: “Or, a big ear of corn in doggie make-up.”
SKINNER: “Yes, but, please, with dignity.”
Skinner tenderly shuffles Francois out of his office and closes the door behind him
COLETTE (IN BACKROUND): “What are you doing?”
Skinner proceeds to look at a batch of mail, one of them being the letter from Renata Linguini that Alfredo presented to him; though not in the mood to deal with such petty matters as this, Skinner swipes open the purple envelope anyway, only to discover a shocking truth as he digs deeper and deeper into the words etched on the paper…
SKINNER (ON PHONE): “Get my lawyer!”
LAWYER: “Ahm. Well, ze will stipulates that, after a period of two years…no heir appears, Gusteau’s! business interest will pass to a sous chef: you.”
SKINNER: “Uh! I know what the will stipulates! Want I want to know is if this letter… Ugh. If this boy…changes anything!!”
Skinner and his lawyer glance at Linguini from behind the blinds covering the windows of Skinner’s office; the lawyer looks at a picture of Gusteau on the wall
LAWYER: “There is not much resemblance.”
SKINNER: “There is NO resemblance at all! He’s not Gusteau’s son. Gusteau had no children. And what of the timing of all this? The deadline for the will expires in less than a month!! Suddenly some boy arrives with his…er…ghe…‘recently deceased mother’ claiming Gusteau is his father? Highly suspect!”
the lawyer looks interestedly at a chef’s hat that once belonged to the deceased Gusteau
LAWYER: “Zhis is Gusteau’s?”
SKINNER: “Eh…yes, yes.”
LAWYER: “May I?”
SKINNER: “Er, of course, of course.”
LAWYER: “But ze boy…does not know?”
SKINNER: “She claims she never told him…or Gusteau, and asks that I don’t tell!”
LAWYER: “Why you?What does she want?”
SKINNER: “A job…for the boy.”
LAWYER: “Only a job?”
SKINNER: “Well…yes.”
LAWYER: “Then what are you worried about? If he works here you’ll be able to keep an eye on him while I do a little digging – find out how much of this is real. I will…need you to collect some DNA samples from…zhe boy. Hair, maybe.”
the lawyer slowly makes for the door
SKINNER: “Mark my words, the whole thing is highly suspect! He knows…something!”
LAWYER: “Relax! He’s a garbage boy. I’m sure you can handle him…”
COLETTE: “What are you doing?”
LINGUINI: “Ah! I’m cutting up…vegetables! I’m cutting up…vegetables?”
COLETTE: “No! You waste energy and time! You think cooking is a cute job, eh? Like mommy in the kitchen? Well mommy never had to face the dinner rush while the orders come flooding in and every dish is different and ________ must arive at the customers’ table at exactly the same time ______. Every second counts and you CANNOT be MOMMIED!!!”
some time later, Colette comes upon Linguini making a mess of things in the kitchen
COLETTE: “What is this?! Keep…your station…clear. If meal orders come in what will happen?! Messy stations slow things down – food doesn’t go; orders pile up; disaster! I will make this easier to remember: Keep your station clear…or I WILL KILL YOU!”
some time passes before Colette comes upon Linguini who is, again, getting his sleeves dirty, literally
COLETTE: “Your sleeves look like you threw up on them. Keep your hands and arms close to the body like this, see? Always return to this position. Cooks move fast – sharp utenils; hard metal. Keep your arms in, you will minimize cuts and burns and keep your sleeve clean. Mark of a good chef: messy apron, clean sleeves!”
later on in the game, Colette teaches Linguini how to separate the peas from their pods
COLETTE: “I know the Gusteau-style code: in every dish…always something unexpected. I will show you. I have memorized all his recipe.”
Linguini begins to jot down some notes on a miniscule pad of paper
LINGUINI: “Always do something unexpected…”
COLETTE: “No. Follow the recipe.”
LINGUINI: “But you just said-”
COLETTE: “No no no no no! It was his job to be unexpected. It is our job…to…”
LINGUINI ET COLETTE: “…follow the recipe.”
some time later, Colette and Linguini interrogate a piece of French bread
COLETTE: “How can you tell a good bread without testing it? Not the smell; not the look; but the sound… The crust! Listen…”
Colette crackles the bread ever so tenderly, sending a shivering wave of emotion to overcome Remy
COLETTE: Ohhhh… Symphony of crackle! Only great breads sound this way."
later on, Colette and Linguini “dezest” some lemons
COLETTE: “The only way to get the best produce is to have first pick of the day, and there are only two ways to get first pick: grow it yourself, or bribe a grower.”
LaRousse and an average farmer exchange a deal just outside of Gusteau’s, and out of the range of passer-by eyes…
RANDOM SALESMAN: “Bonjour!”
COLETTE: “Viola! Ze best restaurants…get first pick!”
Colette and Linguini peel potatoes together
COLETTE: “People call haute cuisine snooty, so chef must also be snooty, but not so. Lalo there? Ran away from home at twelve; got hired by circus people as an acrobat; and zhen, he get fired for messing around with the ring master’s daughter. Horst…has done time.”
LINGUINI: “What for?”
COLETTE: “No one know for sure. He changes the story every time you ask him…”
HORST: “I defrauded a major corporation. I robbed the second largest bank in France using only a ball point pen. I created a hole a hole in the ozone of Avignon. I killed a man…with this thumb!”
COLETTE: “Do not play cards with Pompedou. He’s banned from Las Vegas and Monte Carlo. LaRousse ____ gone for the Resistance!”
LINGUINI: “Which Resistance?”
COLETTE: “He won’t say! But our apparently they didn’t win. So you see? We are artists! Pirates! More than cooks are we!”
LINGUINI: “We?”
COLETTE: “Oui! You are one of us now, oui?”
LINGUINI: “Oui… Thank you…for all the advice about cooking.”
COLETTE: “Thank you, too.”
LINGUINI: “For what?”
COLETTE: “For taking it.”
as he drives by in his rather expensive automobile towards the back side of Gusteau’s restaurant, Skinner does a double take as he notices a fuzzy entity dart towards Linguini and into his hand
SKINNER: “Wha- The rat!”
LINGUINI: “I just dropped my keys!”
Linguini wiggles some keys, much to the puzzlement of Skinner
inside the restaurant, Mustafa, one of the waiters, attends to a batch of stomach-rumbling customers
MUSTAFA: “Have you decided…this evening?”
GUEST 1: “Your soup is…is excellent.”
GUEST 2: “But we order it every time!”
GUEST 3: “Yes. What else do you have?”
MUSTAFA: “Well, we have a very nice ______ …”
GUEST 1: “Yes, yes. I know about the ______. It was an old stand-by – used to be famous. What does the chef have…that’s new?”
MUSTAFA: “Customers are asking what is new!!!”
HORST: “New?!”
MUSTAFA: “Yes! What should I tell zhem?!”
HORST: “Well, what did you tell them?”
MUSTAFA: “I told them I would ask!”
SKINNER: “What are you blabbering about?”
HORST: “Customers are asking what is new?”
MUSTAFA: “What should I tell them?!”
SKINNER: “What did you tell zhem?”
MUSTAFA: “I told zhem I would ASK!!!”
SKINNER: “Hmm. This is simple! Just pull out an old Gusteau recipe – something we haven’t made in a while and…”
MUSTAFA: “Zhey know about the old stuff! They like…Linguini soup.”
Skinner comes to a full and abrupt stop, his reaction a disgusted and apalled one
SKINNER: “They are asking for food from…LinguiNI??!!”
LALO: “Alot of customers like the soup. That’s all they are saying!”
POMPIDOU: “Were we saying zhat…?”
SKINNER: “Hmm. Very well! If it’s…Linguini they want, tell them…“chef” Linguini has prepared something special for them: something definitely off menu. Hm? Oh, and don’t forget to stress it’s…“Linguininess”.”
HORST: “Oui, chef.”
SKINNER: "Now is your chance to try something worthy of your talent, Linguini! A-A forgotten favorite of the chefs: Sweet Bread a’ la Gusteau. Colette will help you…
COLETTE: “Oui, chef.”
SKINNER: “Now…hurry up! Our diners are hungry!”
POMPIDOU (WHISPERING): “Are you sure? Zhat recipe was a disaster! Gusteau himself said so!”
SKINNER: “Just the sort of challenge a budding chef needs…!”
Colette interrogates an old and abandoned recipe card, Linguini glancing over her shoulder at the card in tense spirits
COLETTE: “Sweet Bread a’ la Gusteau: Sweet bread cooked in a…seawead salt crust with cuttlefish tentacles, dogrose puree’, green duck egg, dried white fungus, anchove licorice sauce… Ahhh…I don’t know this recipe, but it’s Gusteau’s so…LALO!! We have some veal stomach smoking, yeah?”
LALO: “Yeees! Veal stomach, coming up*!”
LINGUINI: “Veal…stomach?”
Remy, by way of Linguini’s very manipulative hair, takes on the challenge of creating the forgotten recipe and begins to select various ingredients from the counter along where he, Linguini, and Colette are working; he sniffs the steaming concoction from a spoon…before setting the soup back down again and hastily grabbing two small shakers from a shelf; he sprinkles one of the shaker’s contents into a bowl, before swinging Linguini’s arms back behind him, making Linguini’s head shoots towards the bowl so as Remy can smell his handywokr; unsatisfied, he yanks on Linguini’s hair…
LINGUINI: “Ah! I-I’ll be right back…!”
…and begins to lead him around the kitchen while grabbing various contents from nearby counters, snatching things out of his fellow chefs’ hands, and selecting just the right flavors to add to his awaiting delicacy
LINGUINI: “Hey! Hey, I’m just gonna grab this real quick… _____ Thank you. Ok…uh…”
Linguini proceeds to snatch a bottle of white truffle oil out of Horst’s hand, much to the surprise of the passing chef
LINGUINI: “…uh…uhh apparently…I-I need this. Aaand…over heeere I’m must gonna pick that up, and…grab some of that spice…”
Linguini discards everything upon his original starting place: the “soup counter”; already quite annoying, Colette finally blows a fuse
COLETTE: “What are you doing??! We are supposed to be preparing the Gusteau recipe!!”
LINGUINI: “This…this is the recipe!”
COLETTE: “The recipe doesn’t call for white truffle oil! What else have you been…? You…are…improvising? This is no time to experiment! The customer are waiting!”
LINGUINI: “You’re right… I should listen to you!”
Linguini taps his togue smartly, only to end up slapping himself with his hand via la Remy
LINGUINI: “Ouch!”
COLETTE: “Stop that!”
LINGUINI: “Stop what?”
COLETTE: “You’re freaking me out! Whatever you are doing, stop it!”
HORST: “Where is the special order??”
COLETTE: “Coming! I thought we were together on this…”
LINGUINI: “We are together!”
COLETTE: “Then what are you doing?!!”
now upset himself, Linguini gets slightly offended; meanwhile, Remy knowledgeably continues to control his lanky marionette as he makes Linguini perform various “tricks”, one of them being to stir a mix of his previously snatched ingredients in a diminuative pan/bowl
LINGUINI: “It’s…VERY hard to explain!!”
HORST: “The special?!”
COLETTE: “Come* get it!!”
Colette extracts the nearly-finished dish from the counter and sets it on a nearby “waiting counter”, only to stop in mid-step as she realizes that she forgot something; Remy, on the other hand, impatiently waits for a chance to add his own and completed sauce to the brim of the Sweet Bread a’ la Gusteau
COLETTE (TO MUSTAFA): “Oh oh! Wait! I forgot the anchove licorice suace…”
unable to take it any longer, Remy makes Linguini rush in front of Colette and slap his hand down between her and the recipe…just as she returns with the sauce, causing her to snap in disgust
COLETTE: “-GASP- Don’t…you…dare!”
LINGUINI: “I’m not, I’m not, I’m…”
just as the feuding party’s argument begins to boil over, Remy makes Linguini pour his special sauce on top of the resting concoction…right before the creation itself is ceremoniously whisked out the door by waiter Mustafa
LINGUINI: “…sorry.”
Remy, his hands folded in satisfaction, gives Colette a look of pure victory that simply seems to say, “I know my stuff, girl, and you don’t have the jacket on the hook in this one”
Script continuation in progress/coming soon.
*Unsure as to whether or not spelling/sentence is correct.
That is bold…and cool! Good luck, 
