Need Some Adice: How Do You Tell a Friend a Hurtful Truth?

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#1

I have a friend. She’s doesn’t have the highest self-esteem…she’s pretty heavy, not too popular and declares herself “emo.” Also, she LOVES to sing…but she really, really can’t.

I feel bad for saying it, but its true. She wants to have a career in music, including wanting to try out for American Idol, but she can’t sing. Problem is, while she hasn’t noticed it, the mean girls in our school chorus certainly have. For the past two years, the popular girls have been taping her on their cell phones when she sings for the sole purpose of laughing at it later. When I confronted one of them about it, she told me “Its like American Idol. These people put themselves out there, they’re letting themselves get laughed at.”

I never had the guts to tell her, especially now that she told me that the only one who ever told her she was talented was her voice teacher (she doesn’t realize that might be because she, you know, pays him.) Today, however, was the worst. I was talking to her, and a big group of girls I know to be not too nice came over and begged her to sing for them, telling her “Oh, you’re SO good!” and “We won’t get to hear you sing again!”

She sang for them, and sure enough, they whipped out their cell phones to record. Two of my other friends brought me over to talk about it, and Jordan said they were most likely going to post it on Facebook. She said she’d report it if they did. I wanted to get her away from there, but didn’t know how to do it without making it seem obvious that I didn’t want her singing.

I eventually tipped the teacher off on what they were doing (she was performing her third song for them) and she put a stop to the recording, but the mean girls spent the entire rest of the day hanging out with her and singing with her. Later, I was talking to her, and she told me how much fun she was having and that she had “Her own little fanbase back there,” looking so happy about it it broke my heart. Then, sure enough, one of the girls came over and said “Kandi, you have gotten SO GOOD from last year, can I post it on Facebook so everyone can see it? I mean, you’re SO good.” She happily replied “Um, sure!”

I told Jordan, and Jordan said she was going to tell our teacher. (I’m not sure if she did.) The thing is, I’m scared for her. I’m afraid she’s going to post a video of her singing on YouTube or something…and as people on the internet, we know how cruel others here can be. I don’t want her to get hurt, but she’s quite sensitive. Plus, (I’m sorry if I sound very conceited here, I don’t mean to. :blush:) I tend to be noted as one of the best singers in our grade, and that would make my telling her the truth seem all that worse. Do you guys have any idea what I should do?

I feel really mean, but I couldn’t enjoy my chorus party today because of it. I just don’t know what to do.

#2

That’s a tough one, Rac_Rules. Are you very good friends, or just friends? I only ask because if you’re like best friends, then she’s more likely to trust you if you let her know what the other girls actually think of her. But with you also being a good singer, if you were to tell her and if she doesn’t trust you like best friends trust each other, then obviously she’d put what you’re saying down to jealousy.

If you do tell her and she doesn’t believe you, then I guess those girls putting the recording on Facebook and then people making fun of her would be proof. And if you keep it to yourself and she finds out that you knew the other girls’ intentions, she’s likely to be angry with you still.

To me, the best thing seems to be to tell her what the other girls mean, but to do this as tactfully as possible. Unfortunately this will hurt her, but it’ll hurt her less than finding out that a good friend of hers had been keeping it secret all this time. I hope you can get the situation resolved either way, though, Rac_Rules.

#3

I wouldn’t call her one of my very best friends, but we’re still very good friends. I just don’t know how I could tell her. I was thinking of saying. “Kandi, you know I want the best for you, and I don’t want to hurt you. But those girls didn’t have good intentions when they recorded you.” I’m just not sure if she’d understand what I mean, and I don’t want to tell her the details.

#4

I would probably get one of your less-talented mutual friends to tell her. I don’t have a good answer, but that’s my best swing.

#5

IncredigirlVirginia’s idea is good. That way, like lizardgirl mentioned, she won’t have reason to think you have an ulterior motive. Also best not to tell the mean girls that you were the snitch. If you have a group of friends who are not part of the mean group, you can approach together and break it to her. It’s more convincing as a ‘group intervention’ than just alone, since she’ll put it down to “just your opinion”.

When you break it to her, don’t mention anything about her delusions about talent. She’ll discover that for herself eventually. Just tell her that the mean group were posting vids of her not to praise, but humiliate her. Even better if you can find evidence like the video description or a link where the poster actually says she’s an awful singer, or encourages people to mock her ability.

It’s not very pleasant, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. If she’s your friend, she’ll appreciate what you’ve done for her.