Heh heh heh Candy, that was hilarious. 
“I feel like I’m holding a miniture, deformed battering ram”
“We’re bringing out THE PAINT”
I have a friend who goes to boarding school in another province and whenever they come over for vacations, we have to almost empty out the room we keep this computer in and move a cot in. So we finally bought some proper furniture for them and it will be delivered tomorrow, so today we had to take all the old furniture out so it could be delivered, this also means taking out the shelves . One shelf had all the pieces stuck together so it felt like holding a miniture and deformed battering ram. Also my mom and I are allergic to latex (the same stuff you find in rubber balloons) and so we can’t use most store bought paint, but may have finally found a safe brand so it’s going to be tested on this room. So when I told my friend about it, I said it that way
My dogs made a mess in the hall and my dad started yelling. I couldn’t help but laugh- he’s funny when he’s mad. xD
“You heard of OzzFest?!?!! Well this is a PeeFest!!!”
“Look, it’s so realistic the needles even fall off”
I bought this little desk top Charlie Brown “not much tree” and some of the needles are loose so that they fall offwhen you brush them. I’d like to think that this was done intensionally.
“It is like, we practically gave it to you, and you just drop it right in front of us!”
My sports team had a game won until stupid mistakes let the other team come back and win.
“Your husband is using your child to mop the floor with.” -me to Aunt Alicia (…don’t ask XD)
“Cobbles!”
I have a friend who goes off on a tangent whenever she tells a story. She’ll just start talking about something really random. One such occassion was when she started talking about some guy she had seen in town who apparently had lots of piercings and a little boy was with him, and he said to the little boy, ‘don’t walk on the cobbles!’
By this point, my friends and I had no idea what she was going on about. But it’s just become habit to, whenever she starts going off on a tangent, shout ‘COBBLES!’ at her. 
I even said it to my geography teacher once when he went off on a tangent. He gave me the wierdest look…
lizardgirl - LOL! 
Me and my parents had the weirdest discussion about toast this morning. It went something like this…
Me: We should really get one of those butter gluestick things.
Dad: What?!
Mum: A butterstick - it’s like a gluestick but has butter instead, to spread on your toast.
Dad: -laughs-
Me: I bet one day in the future, everyone will be using those or some other kind of spreading thing and we’ll be like, “why did we ever USE these weird knife thingys?!”
Dad: I don’t think anything will ever be invented for that like Wallace did in The Wrong Trousers.
Me: Ha, I wish.
Mum: …OR, you could have a normal tub of butter and instead of having one big chunk of it you’d have tiny little slices of butter inside, separated by paper - and then you just pop it on your toast!
Me: Haha, true! …But that would be another waste of paper.
Mum: Um… the paper would, like, dissolve in with the buter, so there’s no waste!
Me: …So we’d be eating paper on toast?
Dad: Okay, this is getting really weird, we’d better stop.
…I don’t KNOW, okay, guys? XD
Paper on toast that is a funny one it might be easier to just recycle the paper though
“I think a card box just tried to jump me”
I was trying to get one of those boxes made of thin card stock, but it’s a bit too high up so it fell on me
“Why do they call them w’s (double u’s) when they look more like v’s than u’s? We should change it to double v’s”
“Well that’s just because we’re used to it, if we were to change the word right away it might confuse people for awhile but by the time the next generation comes along eveyone will be used to it. Of course then we might have a bit of a language banner between generations”
Teacher to student : You’re eyes looked half closed to me
“I am three years older than God. I came up with the idea of the birds, but I told him that he can have the credit.”
My drama teacher says theis once every two weeks. She likes to joke about her age, and other things. She is really funny.
It was " School Spirit Day" today, sophmores : blue, juniors: green, seinors: red. This student walks into my homeroom. He’s bald, and he’s completely painted his entire head blue.
Me : Are you about to join the Blue Man Group ?
I thought it was funny, but you all can be your own judges.
“Some one put a lick on his barbeque.”
I was watching the football team practice, and like they say before the monday night game, “Someone got, JACKED UP!!!”
Contestant on The Price Is Right : " I have to go to the bathroom."
I missed Drew Carey’s first episode. He was the guy I wanted to get the job anyway.
Quote: “I am so happy that you are back, because now I get a chance to destroy you again!!!”
I was playing this video game online, and someone that kept on trash-talking to me says he can “kick my butt (trying to keep it PG rated here) again.” SO I challenged him and totally massacred him. He quit in humiliation, but before he did, I told him the quote up above.
Tay: Oh my gosh, mom. I learned the most amazing thing yesterday!
Mom: Oh? Whats that?
Tay: When you pull your earphones out of your iPod…it pauses…=O
Mom: …-looks away-
D= I’m a little slow. XD
Haha, that made me laugh
I could picture it in my head.
“Let me be your teddy bear! I’m too cuddley for you to say no!”
My girlfriend said that to me today.
That’s really sweet… Wait, you have more than one girlfriend? 
Heheh…
Oh shooot, actually, i have many friends that are girls rachel, but only one GF.