Flare's Rant

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#1

So, I’m in a depressive state right now and I decided to make a diary with my sorrow thoughts and pessimistic hatred for the world and such. You could call this my ‘Emo Thread.’ I’m just going to dump in whatever ireful thoughts that will still abide by the rules and regulations. Just my twisted two cents about stuff.

So, I was too lazy to try and find my username for my very old Blogger account, so I thought I might as well post here and hope no mods remove this. People would probably don’t give a crap about this; just mark it as read and leave, but who am to judge anyone? Yeah, nothing. I’m of no status and not much reputation. Judging people will just worsen that pathetic rep of mine.

I feel so numb, like everything around me feels like nothing to me. I would attempt not to destroy myself by being a jerk in the process, but there are no promises. People would probably say, “Just because you are emotional and feels bad for yourself, that doesn’t mean you are allowed to make others feel the same.”

Yeah. ‘Allowed.’ They would just use ‘can,’ but their definition of ‘can’ is allowed, because I am humanly capable of making others feel that way. ‘Can’ has a wrong definition.

Heh. At least I still have some amount of intellect. In my country, that’s worth a lot because there aren’t a lot of smart people out here. But, even though I’m a little bit smarter than my real life friends, I still haven’t heard from them for a while. Was probably my fault. There was this guy who requested for me to go to this team-building event at school because our college teacher’s been nagging him to ‘encourage’ his classmates to come. I probably disappointed him because he hasn’t replied to my apology in two to three days.

On the Internet, I feel like crap. My intellect - intellect, hah! - means nothing compared to the intelligence of American kids. I find it pathetic that no Singaporean kids (or at least, not many of them) have as much talent as foreign kids of only 3 years of age. They could sing and dance even while at the toddler age, which makes my race looks a bit stupid.

I know - subconsciously - that this is natural, feeling like you’re nothing on the Internet. I mean, it’s the Internet after all, come on. It’s kinda silly to have self esteem issues over that. But, knowing something in your head and feeling something in your heart has a big difference. As a wise movie critic once said, “It’s easier to follow your heart.” I don’t know why I feel like crap. There’s no logical answer to that. Well, maybe there is.

Writing this kind of stuff out was said to make people feel good, and they advised people not to publicize this kind of thing after writing it. But, I just feel like publicizing it. I guess I yearn for the pity of others, which I know I’m not gonna get. I mean, people are people. They aren’t going to give you pity if you are not some dying girl wanting to watch Up or on some big name news article, or if you are not their friend. They always need some kind of reason to care about others, which comes the selfish part, which is me not caring about others, either. Heh. That’s why I feel like crap. Because I can’t have the desire to care, and thus, leaving people not having the desire to care about my crap.

Guess I did this unto myself, what with the posting of those mature vids but… wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don’t want to be lectured. I don’t want, right now, to be judged, to be blamed for anything. I just want to sob like a stupid little kid and hope that somebody tosses a penny in my cup or something.

The mods will probably find a reason to delete this thread because it looks rather spam-ish, like some stupid guy’s ranting post that deserves no attention. Let him cry it out. This kind of guy doesn’t deserve our pity. Those are the distorted thoughts that kept on swirling around my head. It’s a condition my Secondary (Middle) School counselor had try to ‘cure’ me of. Obviously, she wasn’t successful. She did warn me, though, that it is a long-term illness.

So, I’m crazy. Congrats, PP. You got yourself a crazy member. A psycho. Someone call the Gotham Asylum or something. Somehow, it feels better for me to insult myself rather than others doing that. It feels good in this kind of depressive hour. It’s like an emo cutting his/her wrist. It’s safer, too. I wouldn’t have the guts to cut my wrist anyway.

I’m numb. And I don’t want anything. No judgment, no advices, no lectures. Nothing. It’s a weird feeling. I just feel like sitting here all day till school starts again, or till I die, regardless of which one comes first. The first one feels less painful. It’s such a torment, now that I think about it. If I am going to live a life that’s going to be meaningless forever - and no, me trying to make some meaning of it has been tried ever since I’m born, so that ain’t working - I might as well just die if I’m nothing but a plague to the world.

If I post this, people will look at me in a much worse way than they do now, and my metamorphosis will be complete - into a, dare I write it, monster. Oh, yeah, people are probably creeped out by this now after they’ve read that word. ‘Monster? God, somebody get this guy out of here. Ban him. Delete his thread!’

Ah, well. I want to look for a solution to this, or at the least, an answer, be it good or bad, positive or negative. It’s like one of those things you know you gotta do, even though you know what the consequences are. You just gotta do it and see what happens rather than being stuck in one place.

Sorry if I caused any discomfort. But, saying that will make me a hypocrite, probably, because I don’t really care at this moment, not when I’m busy feeling bad for myself.

And oh, I’m posting this in the Off-Topic forum, because it’s like totally non-contributory to the forums. Or something.

#2

awww Flare! I care for you, and your life is so not meaningless! You have amazing song writing and regular writing skills! You should try and publish them one day, they really are amazing…I hope you feel better, now that I said this, I hate when people are sad or depressed :cry:

#3

Okay, now I just feel weird now when people care. <_<" Makes me feel stupid for posting this in the first place when I have, logically, nothing to be sad or depressed about. Again, it’s easier to follow your heart than your head. I might not be able to think of anything to be sad about, but my heart desires for an answer to something my head doesn’t know what it is. Or maybe it’s my left brain (or the other side of the brain that’s the ‘emotional side’ rather than the ‘logical side’) that’s yearning for that answer the other side isn’t.

I don’t know. I don’t really want people’s pity right now. It makes me feel bad for posting this, like I did something wrong or something. I just want an answer to… something. If anyone of you could interpret what that something is from my first post, please answer it. Thanks, though, woody. :frowning:

~ Flare

P.S.: Maybe that something has to do with me drowning in a pool of depression or something, 'coz that’s kinda how I felt before. Now I just feel embarrassed.

#4

Honestly, I’m terrible in these situations. I ended up losing one of my friends because she had a similar attitude to yours (but honestly much worse, filled with one liners and drowning with unfeeling toward me). You have, quite frankly, been one of the nicest people towards me since I joined PP. I know you don’t want pity, but I care. I really don’t feel intellectual enough to figure out an answer to your musings…

#5

Yeah, I think I figured out why I was feeling awkward when woody claimed he care - it was kind of an obvious answer, and honestly, asking for pity or if anyone cares seems kind of random to my mind, even if, subconsciously, it is not so according to my heart.

Also, acting differently like this naturally makes one feel weird, especially if someone else addresses it. It’s like being naked in the public and you stand out in a horrible way.

As to the reason for this whole thread, I guess it’s just one of those times when you randomly feel that you have to get those selfish, pessimistic thoughts out there, like taking out the trashy thoughts from your mind or venting out your anger on a punch bag. In all honesty, my thoughts in my first post are genuine to some extent, not just rants of anger I just randomly threw out. Regardless, I do try and act sane and civil. It’s that dark side of human nature I don’t like to touch on - oftenly. Even though it’s a dark side, sometimes, getting it out there is, in a strange and harmful way, healthy, to me, at least.

Thanks, Loppy. I’m glad I still mean something to this world. Ironically, I probably mean more to the people I met over the Internet than friends in real life. <_<" Well, except that guy I disappointed, maybe.

~ Flare

#6

If Mitch can have her diary, then there’s no reason for the moderators to ban your diary, as long as it doesn’t break any rules. The moderators aren’t out to lock threads, give warnings, or ban people because it’s fun, it’s just our job. Everybody makes mistakes, and even the most veteran member has made a mistake here and gotten a warning about it. Just learn from your mistakes and move on. In a phrase: “fuggedaboutit!” :wink:

Have you thought about attempting to get in touch with your friends more often? If you do activities with them, maybe you’ll feel better. I’ve made some very close friends on Pixar Planet, but there’s something that real life friends can provide that Internet friends aren’t able to (and vice versa). They both fill different roles of friendship. Maybe you could initiate contact and ask if your friends want to go see a movie with you, since you seem to be into movies, judging by the movie rating thread.

Well, it’s natural to feel weird when you expose your true feelings, because then you are vulnerable. What is it that you are so depressed about? Have you thought about going on medication for it, if it is really that bad? I know that there’s a scale of depression and when it reaches a certain point, it’s no use telling the person to ‘snap out of it’, because that just won’t work.

The point I got from your post is a feeling of inadequacy. Unfortunately, you have to work on that yourself. No matter how much people tell you that your are worth something, you have to believe it yourself. Another good thing to try is to not focus on yourself so much, otherwise you can get absorbed in your own problems, but rather focus on other people. How can you brighten someone else’s day? It will make you feel good, and it’s usually reciprocated. Do you have any hobbies that you could focus on, or something you’ve always wanted to try? Learning a new skill builds confidence, and it’s a good way to meet new people. I know you’re starting college soon, so that will be a good way to get your mind off of negative thoughts.

I know it seems as if I’m spouting off cliched sayings, but I do understand what it’s like to wake up in a depressive mood and not being able to get out of it. Maybe you’ll find some of my advice helpful. And, I know I have posted this forum in the past, but I do browse the forum a lot, and they give really good advice over there: eNot Alone

#7

I’m dubious as to whether I can find the answer to your unknown question as it would be like trying to stab a thief in the dark. Below are just my thoughts.

I notice what you post on this forum. Well-written and thought-provoking pieces such as your reviews or your opinions. I also notice that they are ignored. Or perhaps your works were subject to “read and leave” users you speak of. This probably happens to you on other areas of the Internet and perhaps in real-life.

Sometimes, intelligence can be a burden, really. It’s a gift that not everyone knows you have, not everyone understands, and it’s something a lot of people would shun. Basically, hitting you on the back of the hand for brooding on matters that shallow people shy away from and trying to make a difference when no one else is.

And it does hurt. But by the definition of most people, in order to give their pity you must be injured/abused/considering suicide/in grief over losing a loved one/etc. This is all physical. People do feel hurt on the inside though, in their heart, their soul, and their thoughts, caused by past experiences or what’s bothering them at present. This is emotional, and it something people would rather not pay their sympathies to because it’s viewed as, “if it’s not killing you, why are you crying you wuss?” Both need to be treated equally, because when someone is hurt, whether on the outside or inside, pain is pain and comfort must be given.

Perhaps Dragon, you are someone who is not shallow or unintelligent unlike those you are surrounded by, that respect is not being given where it’s due, and people are basically ignorant as to how frustrated and unhappy it is making you.

Some your contemplations seem to match up with my own. Maybe what bothers me bothers you too. Or most likely, my thoughts are very off-point and inaccurate. If the latter is true, I’m sorry for making false theories and being unable to help your predicament.

#8

[b:2bm8138u]rachelcakes1985[/b:2bm8138u]: Thanks. Sorry if I sounded offensive towards you mods or something, like if I wrote something that I shouldn’t have written. I apologize for that.

As for my real life friends, well… I would love to contact them, but just a minute ago, this friend from my Secondary (Middle) School kinda left me distraught and disappointed, making me feeling not to call my other friends who are not as close to me as him, ironically.

I mean, he practically rejected my call. If he had at least answer it to tell me he’s busy or something, I wouldn’t mind. God, this is not the first time he’s doing this sort of stuff. I haven’t called him for a week or so because the week before the previous one (it’s a Sunday in my country now, and it’s the first day of the week for us) because he said he had plans for last week. And now, he’s rejecting my call.

Back in Secondary School, it’s mostly the same. He had disregard my needs a lot of times. But, everyone’s telling me that I need to tolerate that because despite of his attitude (I wouldn’t describe it as ‘selfish,’ just as only giving concerns to the people he want to care about during the times of his convenience), he still tries his best to be my friend. Yeah. He’s doing a swell job by not contacting me for about two weeks or so. That last time, when he told me he had plans, we only talked for like a few seconds. I had to hang up that time. His voice was totally telling me, "So, are you going to hang up or what? 'Coz I have better things to do than sitting around chatting with you." He always said that he puts our friendship first more than anything else, but I’m just not feeling it for these three years of friendship.

Sadly, he’s probably the only guy I could approach, chat, and ask to hang out with me without the awkwardness. Basically, he’s practically my only close friend, and I don’t have that many other friends, either. I have like, these four other classmates (including that mature one who I probably disappointed) in my current college (yeah, lol, I’m attending college already - for six months, in fact, if you count this holiday month). They are okay. I play bowling with them occasionally. Two of them are the closest to me in the group (but not close enough that I could approach them whenever I need to).

God, this feels like a freaking therapy group session. Let the healing begin. Ugh. <_<" I feel like such a freak. I mean, my friends don’t even need this kind of stupid thing. Makes me feel so different. And no, this kind of difference is not the good kind, so don’t try and convince me otherwise. It’s no different from being mental or something. But er, in all honesty, I’m not a nutcase. I have angst issues, but my mind’s okay. I don’t talk to myself without feeling weird, I don’t act crazy unless I intended to. I do have some temper issues, but my temper’s getting better now.

Even after getting advice and people who care (which I appreciate a lot and I thank for), what’s it gonna do? The most it would help is that after 3 to 4 years, I will require the same therapy session again. This constant insecurity just won’t go away. I had that counselor trying to help me back in Secondary School, yet, here I am, once again. I couldn’t blame anyone else - that I know - nor do I desire to do so, but I just wish I have more real life friends that are close to me, or at the least, have one really close friend who understands me (and not take me for granted like my current supposed ‘best friend’).

This constant depression is probably not going to get me a girlfriend either. People who read this thread are probably either sympathizing (which, again, I thank for, rachel and guys :) ) or finding me weird or something. Of course, they would never openly admit it. That’s just people. They find things that are different to be weird and unapproachable, especially if it’s a person that seems like a nutjob. People kinda confuses a depressed person with a mental nutcase a lot of times, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if I find anyone here to be scared or worried by the existence of this one depressive member. And, if so, girls in real life are probably not going to treat me any better, too. The girls in my class don’t, so why would any others?

Five months of class with them, yet one of them has already gotten annoyed by me. She’s kinda stuck up herself, so I’m not sure if she was annoyed because I had kinda made fun of this guy or just because she had nothing better to do. I don’t like her (in terms of building a relationship), by the way. She is so not my type anyway.

Oh, and the guy I made fun of? He was such a pain in the butt. He kept on jabbering on and on non-stop, saying the most ireful stuff that makes people angry. What does he expect? People to thank him after he teases other people’s names and stuff? I wasn’t really making fun of him that time when Ms. Stuck Up was with me anyway. I was just quoting my previous Life Skills teacher, saying how she said that eccentric people are usually smarter than others. That’s all I said and there I heard her in the background, saying how I like to judge others. Okay, okay, fine. So I did kinda make a few other remarks that aren’t too kindly. But he wasn’t there anyway, the guy I was talking about. I guess I might be wrong to have even started teasing him like that despite the amount of pain he has brought me, so, okay, that one might be my fault. :-\ But, I’m digressing more than it is needed already.

As for watching movies with my friends? They are mostly too busy or too poor to go and watch a movie with me; save that close friend who disregard me; he’s simply too busy with his own stuff. Whenever I ask him out, I have to worry if he’s gonna disappoint me. Is that what our friendship is really built on? Insecurity? Well, for my side anyway. He probably doesn’t give any concerns about what I do, or rather, not do to him.

But, overall, I still have to thank you for replying to my post, rachel. :)

[b:2bm8138u]FounderofAzn[/b:2bm8138u]: Yeah, my posts get ignored a lot, but I’m used to it. That is only a small part of the issue; just a part of the depression build up.

In real life? Nah, that doesn’t happen a lot. I don’t act intelligent in front of my friends. I act like a total goof a lot of times. :lol: But, I do act smart sometimes. Sometimes. xD I don’t really mind if my friends don’t give me respect. That one close friend of mine respect me most of the times. He’s not rude. He’s just… distant. That’s probably the first word that came to my mind, and I had to think for like, 10 seconds or so.

I agree with what you said about people disregarding emotional pain. Even though that doesn’t happen a lot with many people being averagely caring nowadays, they still don’t bother with the small minor matters of a snowball that would soon build up into a huge avalanche. I think that happens a lot with that close friend. He doesn’t really worry about me feeling depressed or something. He doesn’t ask if I’m sad or not - just if I wanted to go play soccer with him. :-\ Okay, maybe he did ask a few times if I was ’ feeling okay,’ but after three years (reaching four by the end of this year), you’d think that he knows my depressive personality already and would care about how I feel a little more. But no, he just continues with the disregarding. I’ll bet that if I don’t call him till the end of the year, he’ll not even remember me anymore. :roll:

Sigh. If that’s so, I don’t want to remember him, too. It will just give me headaches anyway. Why bother?

Thank you, too, [b:2bm8138u]FounderofAzn[/b:2bm8138u]. I would have wrote more in relations with your post, but I’ve already wrote all I could think of above. :P But, thanks for caring anyway, both of you. ;)

~ Flare

#9

hey, Dragon, i dunno if i care or not as i’m a person that reflects Carl Fredricksen’s personality, but i, no, we do want you to keep posting post [what the heck?] here. just don’t be depressed. i also been rejected before [on Avatar Forum (airbender.net)] and each of my post being mocked.

i became depressed. and at the end of the day, i’ve given a thought to leave ‘The Magical World Of Avatar:TLA’. but when i give a serious thought about it, it just wasting my time. and still, even though i’ve been mocked as noobs in ‘Avatar’ world and also Pixar freak rat in the real world [high school life], i’m cool with it.

just be happy, and no, i’m no pity for you. <—which is a good thing. right? :question:

– wannabechef91

p/s: you lived in Singapore? busted. lol

#10

wannabechef91: Thanks, dude. :slight_smile: And er, busted? How so? :laughing: I thought I was very clear about the country I live in.

~ Flare

#11

lol. coz i always being ‘cryptic’ about the country i lived in. sometimes i put clues in my posts, but maybe sometimes people don’t care about it, either am i.

but yeah…i just can say i’m no american or australian.

a few clues been shown, including ‘sticky’ clues at my sig. :smiley: :smiley:

#12

Flare: I know how you are feeling, maybe not exactly, but I understand. I’ve struggled with some insecurity issues in the past, still do to some extent. We can sit here and tell you a bunch of things to try to make you feel better about yourself, but it isn’t until you accept yourself for who you are, that you will truly start feeling better. It is a lot easier said than done. I know! The thing that helped me was finding something I was really passionate about and throwing myself into it. When you’re doing something you love, the negative things start to fade away.

It also sounds like it’s the people are you surrounded by aren’t really helping the situation. I’ve had a fair share of friendships gone awry. It hurts. Makes you question yourself when in reality, there is nothing wrong with you. The best thing to do though is forget about those people who make you feel bad and surround yourself with people who you can be yourself around. Again, this can be easier said than done. Maybe in college you’ll find a group of people who you can better relate to. A good friend can make a big difference.

#13

lol Yeah, maybe. But, I’ve been with this class for five months now, and relating with my classmates just feels weird unless you’re doing it in the first month. It’s like, you haven’t spoke, or rather, hang out with someone in usual circumstances, and then, all of the sudden, you are trying to hang out with him for some reason. It’s just a little bit awkward. Some of the guys in my class have some rowdy temper, too, so if I try and pull something like this, I might get into some trouble or have my rep decreased even more - not that my rep is as horrible as that annoying guy I mentioned before. :wink:

So, am I going to take up your advice, Hannahmation, and try and make more friends in my class? Well, I’ve heard that advice a lot of times and in those times, I’ve never taken it up, because I’m so comfortable in my comfort zone. Going out of that border not only feels weird, it feels impossible. It’s as if I’m humanly incapable of doing something like this. You could say it’s a phobia. I don’t talk to people much unless I have to borrow some stationary, or if I am asked to by someone else to pass a message or to work on a group project, etc. or if people talk to me first.

It’s weird how I met those four guys in my class in the first place. I probably didn’t even talk to them. I used to talk to this one midget in the class at the beginning of the school year, who, not long after I met him, started hanging out with those four guys (who’re also classmates of both of us) and that was how I met them. The weird thing about this? A month or so after he met those guys, he was getting cold towards me (might be my fault due to this one incident), and a little later after that, I started to hanging out with those four guys as well.

Weird.

Oh, and I almost forgot - thanks, Hannahmation, for the advice. :wink:

~ Flare

#14

I don’t know how your college is set up, but maybe in new classes you’ll get the opportunity to meet and talk with new people?

Trust me. I know exactly how you feel about going outside of your comfort zone. It used to take a force of nature to get me outside of mine! As hard as it is to get out of your comfort zone, it is beneficial to do so. I’ve grown and learned a lot by doing by so. It is also by stepping outside of my comfort zone that I’ve gained more confidence in myself. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and see where it will take you. Scary. Very much so! But it is also rewarding in the end. This is just something to think about.

#15

It looks like you’ve already had lots of really good advice, Dragon of Omnipotency, and I’m pleased to see the members of Pixar Planet coming out in force when another member is in need. I’m also very pleased that the reaction has been the exact opposite of what you seemed to have expected- it’s always nice to be surprised in a positive way. It’s difficult to know what to add considering there have been so many good ideas so far.

I guess my take on this is that you’ve made the first crucial step at least, in that you’re fully acknowledging how you feel and you’re able to share those feelings with someone, even if it’s over the internet. It sounds like you feel like it’s difficult to make friends in real life, and you’re right, it is, especially if you are particularly intelligent as you certainly seem to be. Those who are more intelligent tend to over-analyse situations and people to such an extent that it ends up being used against them in a way, like stuff most other people wouldn’t even care about in day-to-day life actually matters greatly to someone who bothers to think about them. I guess the only way to improve your situation and to make more friends is to get out there and meet people- as others have suggested, when you go to college you’ve got a great oppurtunity there to meet new people who are more suited to you. A low self-esteem will mean that it will be difficult to throw yourself out there and to push yourself to make new friends, but all I can say is that it will be worth the effort.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve been told these things many times before. You obviously consciously are aware of the things you could do to change your situation, but doing them is an entirely different kettle of fish. Your self-perception will have to change first, and as others have said a hobby or a passion or interest in something will add to your feeling of self-worth. Once you’ve got the ball rolling it’ll be easier to put yourself in more and more situations with other people that mean that not only will they see you in a positive light and you’ll see them in a positive light, but you’ll also see yourself in a positive light.

It just seems like you base what you think of yourself on your perceptions of what others seem to think of you, instead of just trusting the fact that you’re most likely a very nice, intelligent person worthy of a good, happy life. Trying to put less importance on what others think of you would be a big step towards having a better self-image.

I doubt the above has been of much use, but I do hope that you start feeling better soon. At least the support in this thread should show you that despite the fact that none of us have ever personally met you, we all feel that you’re a great person to chat to on the boards and we all clearly care about you.

#16

lol That’s because you guys are very nice people yourselves, too, which, in a way, is kinda symbolic, too. Just like how the staff at Pixar Animation Studios are the light defenders of great movies that tell emotional stories - among the many crappy filmmakers out there - Pixar Planet forums have members that are nice and friendly, contradicting the stereotype of everyone in the Internet being a jerk.

See? Counseling isn’t so hard. I don’t know why my counselor took 5 to 6 years to counsel me and failed trying, not that I don’t appreciate it. :stuck_out_tongue: You guys should consider going pro.

As far as being intelligent goes, I do not consider myself to be intelligent, seriously. I failed at math, so, obviously, my sense of logic isn’t any as good as Micheal Bay’s story logic. I make a lot of mistakes when spelling or using grammar. Not so much that it is noticeable the first instant, but you could find plenty when you perform close scrutiny on my posts. And when I do try and act intelligent, I would often ended up looking silly. It probably has to do with my confidence, but throughout my life, I haven’t really done anything that’s deserved to be called ‘intelligent’ before. I’m more… ‘tenacious’ than most Singaporeans because I’m exposed to the American culture through the television - a lot - something most of the people in my country don’t like to do. It’s not because they’re racist or something, don’t worry. It’s just that they are a little bit close-minded. Compared to the Western culture, Singaporeans are like the villagers living in the countryside, loving to live a secure, peaceful life without being disturbed by outside disturbance. Recently, that’s changed a lot, all thanks to the media. I’m a great example of that. I’m a seed of that phenomenon, and a very big one at that, too. I mean, I could easily say that if there’s a competition where I, along with other Singaporeans, are tested on the Western culture, half of the times, I would win.

Of course, the same could be said for you guys, too - no offense. lol I mean, if I am to ask you guys about the Chinese culture, I’m sure some of you would have a difficult time answering, too. I guess I just notice all these because it’s easier to notice people of great values/talents than ordinary people who just don’t stand out. In the end, I ended up saying that there are more unique beings than ordinary people when it is the opposite that is true.

But, yeah, I’ve wrote a lot of things that doesn’t have to do with addressing your post, so I hope you don’t mind that. Like rachel suggested (kind of), I could turn this into a diary where I just post my thoughts about the world and my life. This would also be a great way for people to catch up with my works since they are mostly scattered all over the place.

Overall, in reflectance of what you wrote, lizardgirl, yeah, I guess you might be right about me putting importance on others’ views instead of the real truth - ironically. It’s ironic because I had always wanted to go for the truth, thinking that there’s only one universal truth, be it good or bad. But, more on that next time. Maybe what I need is more confidence, but I’ve been trying to gain more of that for years, so I will have to keep trying, that’s all I could do. Once I lose confidence, my mind starts to wonder, no matter how hard I try to suppress it and just convince myself of the existence of that ‘positive light.’ It works sometimes, but at other times, I just act without even thinking, or rather, I couldn’t even find any thoughts in my head in those moments. I guess that’s what people called “my mind went blank.”

Thank you, though, for writing in. Yeah, it does feel good that people are still writing in to care about me. It just goes to show how different this site is compared to the rest of the Internet. It’s a little piece of sanctuary in the horrid nature of the information super highway. :smiley:

Till next time,
~ Flare

#17

July 4th, Sunny
Had a big argument with The Star Swordsman and little_chef_eva09. Doubt we would be talking to each other properly again… for a while, at least, but I don’t really care.

Before I came to Pixar Planet, life was simple. I didn’t have to impress anyone, try and fit in any community other than mine at my college, got in less conflict with people and I was around people who were much friendlier to me than those here. My college classmates were simply more relating than the people here. They just understand me more.

So, I have been thinking about leaving this place a couple of times, save the members and me of this misery. School’s gonna start next Monday anyway, so I doubt I would have much time to spend here and to argue with anyone.

Another society I’ve caused to alienate me. Great work, Dragon.

Wonder what it’s gonna be like for me in the future? Who will I be? Criticizing movie is just a hobby to me. Besides, my critiques are not that well-received anyway. Work at Pixar? The best job I could apply there would be that of a Writer. I’m no good as an animator or storyboard artist. I could pitch in ideas, but… I don’t know. Pixar just doesn’t seem like it’s the place for me. We’ve seen how staying in its forums helped me.

I have been watching this television series in Singapore called The Ultimatum and, now, it reminds me of two of the main characters there. One is named Yuchen, a woman living in a rich family. She was separated from her blood mother at birth and misplaced in the wrong family, so when her identity was exposed, she was forced to silent those who know the truth - kinda like me defending myself for my own good will, but hurting others along the way.

That other character’s an ordinary person named Da (though people called him ‘Ah’ Da). He was like my older self; living a simple life, carefree with nothing to worry about or getting upset over, until he got affiliated with Yuchen who had assumed that he was her long lost fiance who bear totally the same appearance as him. So, Ah Da got into the royal family and was living the good life. It was seemingly everything he wanted… till he got affiliated with Yuchen’s murders later in the story. He had to keep mum about them to, as he saw it, ‘protect’ Yuchen. One after another, a person drops dead till the count of 4. He felt so guilty about it like never before in his past simple life.

Basically, I feel I’m a combo of these two. I try to withhold my status and reputation here by doing some rather wrong things and I also miss my simple life. These forums just don’t seem to work out for me. I gained this responsibility to behave in a, as they see it, ‘proper’ manner I never had in the first place. Sure, I act civil, too, when I am out there, hanging out with my classmates, but I didn’t have to worry about my rep because I was free to be myself and my classmates didn’t mind that. Here, I have to worry about this, worry about that, be disappointed about people not giving me attention, be jealous of others who gained the attention. I don’t want this kind of feeling. I want to abandon it so much but I couldn’t, because once I do, I would have nothing left but my crappy parents and my crappy friends. My pathetic life would have nothing else to yearn for. Everyday, the only thing I could expect by then would be to sit through lessons, acting all emo and hoping that I could get some laughs with my not-so-close friends, hoping that one close friend of mine would take some time out to hang out with me for a couple of days.

Now, I also feel like Sarah Connor. Before she took up the role of being the mother of the leader of the human resistance, she was an ordinary person with a normal nut quite blissful life. After taking up that role, she, like me, has to worry about stuff daily as well, with no one there to relate to her situation, with everyone treating her like some kind of crazy freak.

Though my situation here is no different than my situation in real life - people don’t care much about me at school as well - but at least at school, I don’t have to worry about getting the job done right so that my reputation could shoot sky rocket high. Sure, it is irresponsible but I was happy. I hate this new responsibility.

I tried to believe Kyle’s words from The Terminator, that there’s no fate but what we make for ourselves, that I won’t follow an eternal fate of being lonely, that, someday, I will find my happy life as well. But, after today, after that incident, I’m not so sure anymore. With school coming in at three days’ time, I could only prepare myself to act happy again so that my friends could treat me like a normal person. Suppressing my depression and sorrow is the only way for people around me not to treat me like a freak.

I tried to have hope for a while now, but only now do I see the true definition of ‘foolish hope.’ I’m always going to be the same person, no matter how hard I try, and thus, I am always going to be treated the same way.

This is Flare, signing off.

~ Flare

#18

Hm, I think my ma watches that same sitcom. I tried watching an episode, but you know, soap operas, I don’t ‘get’ 'em. :stuck_out_tongue:

I don’t know why you think we’re alienating you (and I have no idea of this argument between you, TSS and little_chef). As far as I know, you got some great friends (including me, if you count me :slight_smile:) who read your reviews and actually support your moviepocalypse cause and all that. You have to face the fact that you’re not gonna be friends with everyone in a community, but even if you have one buddy, that makes all the difference in the world.

As for the future, there’s nothing you can do in the present except prepare for it. And the way to start is to live in the present. It sounds very Zen, but that’s all you can hope for anyway. If you want more friends, make more. If you want to be happy, do more of the stuff you like more often (as long as it’s not illegal or hurts anyone). If you want to get a job, consider getting a part-time one. Consider your strengths. If you like the movies, get a job as a cinema usher. Or offer your services to the school magazine (if ITE has one) and become a movie reviewer. I know this sounds very simple coming from someone who hasn’t been in your shoes, but the fact remains: You can’t change the world, but you can try to change yourself.

As for your split personality issue of having to deal with different expectations on and off, it’s your choice. Personally, I enjoy this ‘double life’ of hanging out with my friends in school, sharing our dreams and aspirations while struggling to make it through the next tutorial or lecture, or going to catch the latest 3-D special effect or animated movies at the theatres and being inspired by the geniuses in the film industry. But I also love hanging out on this forum with some of the best people I’ll probably never meet, chatting about the latest Pixar in-joke, getting into debates over the merits of the latest film release, entertaining graphic requests from fellow members, and shamelessly plugging my silly fanwork in my signatures. Yes, it’s disorienting, and a tough juggling act to make sure one side of my life doesn’t consume the other, but the rewards outweigh the efforts. Besides, that’s part of life. We live different identities.

And you have no idea how much you can influence someone’s life, whether it be dropping a comment on someone else’s fanfiction, or writing a review on another’s trailer mash-up… you encourage people to keep doing the stuff they love, and improve upon it. It’s very empowering and part of the ‘magic’ of the Internet, corny as that may sound, and I try to apply that same aspect to my real-life friends too. It’s like Peter Parker from Spiderman 2 (one of my fave superhero movies BTW), he wants to absolve responsibility from being a superhero, but he finds out that although he may not need the citizens of New York, they in turn need him. Well, not to say that anyone can’t live without me being on the boards, but if you make a lasting impression on people, they will regret your absence should you ever choose to leave.

I, for one, will if you do decide to depart, but it’s your choice really.

#19

Well, I’m just glad that I still have your back, thedriveintheater. You’re probably one of the few who could still relate to my sitch.

Oh, and it’s not a sitcom. :stuck_out_tongue: It’s actually one of those ‘big-time’ Channel 8 drama series with people dying, the corruption of people, etc.

I don’t. But, after the occurence of such events, you can’t say no one would try and avoid me, especially The Star Swordsman.

Oh, most definitely. :slight_smile:

Actually, I don’t mind that much if people support movies of my disinterest (I don’t really like to call them ‘bad’ movies now with all that’s happened and all) or my fight against the moviepocalypse or if they find this notion to be silly. I am an attention wh**e, that’s all.

I did try. For about three years now, in fact. :wink:

Nah. As I said, I can’t help myself to leave this place. Sure, there might be many good things that I am humanly capable in participating in. I did try and look at the bright side of things, of the future for many times, but it never changed; I’m practically an expert on the way my life works now. So, I’m afraid I’ll have to use this place to supply my pathetic need for attention and care for now, at least till I find a proper place of solitude for my residence.

Thanks for caring, however, thedriveintheater.

~ Best regards, Flare

#20

Maybe you could try sending an apology to him via PM? But I think you owe little_chef more for dissing her (she’s a girl, not a guy). I know you said sorry in the thread, but there’s nothing wrong with seeking forgiveness a second time.

Well, perhaps you could redirect your attentions to other people’s causes. I’m not saying you ditch your moviepocalypse campaign altogether, but maybe if you actually took an interest in other people’s fanworks (like dropping a comment for TSS’ fanfiction, or participating in forum activities like RadioPixar or Haunt’s Art Jam), then maybe people will start paying attention to you in the right way. :wink:

Keep trying. Something’s bound to happen, especially if you keep working on the good stuff.

Well, if you’re gonna be spending a lot of time here, you might as well make the most out of it. Maximum pleasure for minimum effort, I always say. Like I suggested, participate more in other people’s threads and discussions (without getting too opinionated or losing your cool). You’re in a design course, draw a couple of Pixar fanart (I saw your off-topic art thread, so you’ve got potential) and ask people what they think of 'em. And if your forte is in writing reviews, maybe you can go on a Pixar marathon like ffdude did and post your reviews for Pixar fans (which is the main ‘clientale’ for this forum, anyway) to read. And try to make an effort to compliment people instead of just jibing them all the time. I sometimes like to pull people’s chains, but I always make sure I don’t overdo it or soften it with a compliment after. There’s a lot more you can do if you’re gonna be ‘stuck’ here, than you realise.