TDIT's Cars crossover fanfic - 24: The Race Against Time

Fandom Fan Fiction
#6

Well, it’s exactly 24 hours since my very first fanfic premiered. Needless to say, I’m a tad bit disappointed with the lukewarm response.

I received two comments on my account, the first from Random Gypsy, and the second from foreignconcepts, of whom I have read several Cars fanfictions. If they’re anyone from this forum, please identify yourselves. If not, well… to quote Dennis Hopper from Speed: “This day has been rather disappointing, I don’t mind saying.”

Can someone please give me feedback on the full chapter? Anyone?

:confused:

#7

I’m not even into Cars (the movie or the automobile), but your way of writing is FANTASTIC! Your grammar and spelling is top-notch, and some of the jokes are very clever and funny! Like the [spoil]marble cross[/spoil] one, for example. And you use such descriptive words which makes it possible to conjure up the image of your story very easily. Loved the [spoil]For the Birds[/spoil] reference, heheh. =) Jack Bauer seems like he would make for a very cool-looking Cars character.

Also, you might want to give people more than 24 hours to respond, even though it would be nice if they did give you some feedback quickly, sometimes it’s not possible, or they have other things to attend to here. :wink: Also, FYI, I’m probably the absolute worst person here for relying on consistent feedback for any type of work, as I’m a procrastinator-extraordinaire, but I’ll try my best to read your chapters.

#8

Thanks for your kudos, Rachel! The [spoil]marble cross joke[/spoil] was not my idea, I took it along with the [spoil]‘speeding home to avoid an accident’[/spoil]from a car jokes website that I just Googled. I’m glad you caught the [spoil]‘For the Birds’[/spoil] reference, I was wondering whether someone would notice that. And yes, I agree that J.B. may be a pretty awesome character in Cars. I thought about what model he would be (I even checked out what cars the character owned/drove in the original TV series), but then I considered his aggressive personality and decided that America’s classic pony car would best suit his character, rather than just take whatever vehicle he just drove from the TV show. You could say I was a little influenced by the recent Knight Rider TV series too, although I made him an older model to reflect his age. :wink:

On retrospective, I have to agree with you I was too impatient in waiting for comments to trickle in. Guess it was because I had been ‘promoting’ it for the past week in my sig and I thought no one seemed to care. But I suppose I was hasty. It takes time for word-of-mouth to gather for any new TV show (or weekly fanfiction episodes, for that matter). I mean, it took me 2 days before I replied to your kind comments, so you’re not the only procrastinator here.
:slight_smile:

#9

You’re welcome, Andre. =)

You seem to have done a lot of research with choosing which characters are going to be which models, and even though I don’t know the models of cars, the research you have put into this fanfiction is still evident. Well, the jokes in the story are still really funny, even if you didn’t write them and I like the way you’ve used them.

It’s ok. Everyone at some point or another has been affected by the underwhelming response to their pieces of work, but that’s just the way it is sometimes. Don’t take it as a reflection of the quality of your work though, since, I’m telling you, your fanfiction is sure to be excellent with your combination of writing skills, research and creativity. :wink: Keep on truckin’!

#10

Thanks, Rachel. I actually researched what police and military cars different countries use, the various counter-terrorist agencies around the world, and even the procedures for a prisoner transport convoy (I even downloaded a document one law enforcement agency wrote as a guide :stuck_out_tongue:). It’s quite easy (though I had to still look up some of their radio codes) to write ‘cop lingo’ since I actively watch and read a fair amount of police procedurals (not that you can avoid it in pop culture nowadays). Glad you noticed the prep work that went into the piece.

Anyway, now that I’m free of all assignments (aaaattt…laaasssttt…), it’s time for me to cut loose and up the ante, so to speak. So, here I go into ‘upcoming attractions announcement’ mode (adopts Pablo Francisco voice):

His entire team has been wiped out. His prisoner has escaped. And he’s on his own in Carburetor Canyon. On the 2nd of November, find out what will Jack Bauer do next, in an all-new thrill-a-minute episode of 24: The Race Against Time. This Sunday, 12 AM MST.

#11

The Drive-In Theatre would like to announce that the next installment of 24: The Race Against Time is put on hold for the moment, due to the producer’s involvement in another creative pursuit today, the Hallow’s EVE signature series. The theatre would like to assure its audiences that it will endeavour to air the new episode as soon as possible. Estimates for the release would be sometime tomorrow night, subject to time availability and “creative juices” of the author.

We apologise for any inconvenience caused to our fans, and would like to thank them for their understanding. In the meantime, check out the pilot episode of 6:00 AM-7:00 AM and stay tuned for further updates!

#12

Heheh. Thanks for the announcement, theatre attendant! I look forward to the next installment of the chapter when things are back to normal at the drive-in theatre. =)

#13

Thanks, rachel! That was the manager-owner, by the way. :slight_smile:

Here it is, folks! This is an exclusive Sneak Preview for Pixar Planet members for this week’s upcoming episode! Fasten your seatbelts, lean forward, and place your feet flat on the floor, it’s time for an emergency landing…

…

They were now flying over a range of rock formations shaped like Cadillac tailfins. As they came over the range and flew down into the valley, Yuri looked down below and saw a small forest, and just ahead, a huge mesa shaped like a radiator cap. “I guess you have to do your job, and I do mine. So where are you taking me?” When he got no response, he leaned out of the cabin and glanced at the cockpit, where the helicopter’s eyes were. “Did you hear me?”

“I don’t feel good, I think that cop just shot my fuel tank. I’m losing fuel…and oil,” the chopper croaked weakly.

“What? So now you’re bleeding?” cried the Russian car as he turned behind to glance at the helicopter’s tail. Indeed, the hole torn by Jack’s last bullet had ruptured the chopper’s fuselage, and oil and gas was gushing out at an alarming rate.

“I can’t stay in the air…I feel dizzy,” the Bell muttered faintly.

“Stay with me! Chyort voz’mi…” the Lada cursed as the helicopter started to spiral out of the sky. They were now rapidly descending over a small town in front of the mesa, and were falling towards a butte that lay East of it. The helicopter’s engine began to sputter, then die. The blades were next to stall, and they began to plummet to Earth.

The sudden drop in altitude must have startled the chopper from his exhausted stupor, because he was now wide awake and frantically trying to restart the engine. “We’re going down!” he shouted the obvious. “Hang on, I’ll try to initiate an autorotation sequence!”

“A what?” yelled Yuri back, but the Bell was too busy preparing for their controlled descent from their freefall. The internal stability detector was now blaring loudly at a high-pitched whine. They were quickly approaching terminal velocity, and Yuri’s fuel tank felt like it was floating. He was experiencing a low-g condition, a sense of weightlessness that came from a rapid vertical descent. Yuri then heard the chopper’s freewheeling unit disengage the engine from the main rotor, as the wind whistled through the blades and slowly began to turn them again. “Like a windmill,” he thought as they slowly started to decelerate. The butte now loomed large, and the ground was less than fifty feet away and rushing up to meet them.

…

Follow the further adventures of Jack Bauer and the residents of Radiator Springs tomorrow night! :smiley:

#14

Hello everyone, and welcome to our second exciting episode of the all-new season of 24: The Race Against Time. In this hour, we have plenty of action in store for the DRH, Yuri the arms dealer, and our hero Jack. There will be chases, an emergency helicopter landing, and one of Jacks’ trademark impromptu interrogations.

And introducing a new element to the real-time format, the split-screen effect! Check out how it works on the story link below.

This fanfic is rated PG for one minor swear word and some violence.

And now it’s time to fasten your seatbelts, cos’ it’s gonna be a bumpy ride…

Catch the action here. :sunglasses:

#15

I tried to read it but I got this message: “You must be logged in to access this page.”

:wink:

#16

Sorry about that, Rachel. The faulty link was to my Live Preview, I thought it was already up once I clicked the upload button, but I guess there must be an hour or so lag between the server actually uploading it and me pressing the button. Kinda like how Youtube videos take a while to appear on your channel. I’ve fixed the link, should be okay now. Thanks for lettin me know!

Comments anyone? :smiley:

#17

Well Andre, I decided to take a look at your story. I must say that I am incredibly impressed. Grammar is really, really good. You have done a great job planing all of this out before putting it on the page. Well done. I will be keeping my eye on this story. Keep it up.

So far, chapter one has been my favorite, but as more chapters coom, that might change.

#18

Oh, wow. Split screen effect - that is really clever. I felt sorry for the helicopter, I hope he ends up being ok and Lada can get the townspeople to help. Can’t wait for Jack Bauer to make it into town and into the story a bit more - DAMMIT! Just a spelling mistake I spotted: “he had undertaken every since he was inspired.” If you don’t want me pointing out spelling mistakes, let me know.

#19

The Star Swordsman: Thanks for the first review. As I’ve told Rachel, I’ve done research before putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). For the second chapter for example, I actually read a few online articles (and watched a couple of Youtube videos) on how helicopter pilots perform autorotation, or an emergency landing without engine power. It was very interesting, and I was able to incorporate that maneuver and its related terminology into the story.

As for my grammar, well, I just double-check before I post the fanfic, and my essay-writing skills were decent to begin with.

I don’t have a preference for any chapters yet, but I liked how the first kicks the story off with the attack on the convoy. There’s a great deal of foreshadowing, too, if you pay attention. :wink:

What was it about chapter one that you liked? Do you have anything else to comment on story-wise? Predictions? :slight_smile:

rachelcakes1985: Yeah, I realised I forgot to include the split-screen feature in before the first chapter was published and promoted, so I decided to add it to the second and subsequent chapters. Glad you understood and liked the ‘simultaneous-events’ concept; it’s one of the most interesting aspects of the show.

I’m not going to say the fate of the helicopter, but he is a baddie after all, so he kinda deserved it. But yeah, you’ll find out what happens to him later. As for Jack, he will reach the town sooner than you think… :wink:

Sorry, I don’t see the spelling mistake in that phrase, could you please highlight or underline it for me? And no, I don’t mind you pointing out mistakes, in fact, I prefer to have my faults pointed out to me both grammar and story continuity wise, so I can correct them.

And thanks for being a loyal reader. :slight_smile:

Anyone else wants to say somethin’? I could always do with a ‘ratings’ boost…

#20

Andre - Yeah, I think that split screen effect adds a very impressive and creative touch to your story, and sets it apart from the rest. The helicopter is going to die, isn’t he?!!! =( With that spelling mistake: “he had undertaken every since he was inspired” it just seems like it should either say, "“he had undertaken ever since he was inspired” or “he had undertaken every day since he was inspired.” But sometimes I have a habit of reading words wrong, so hopefully I am correct…

Looking forward to your next chapter! =)

#21

We’ll see… :wink:

Facepalms Gaaah! :~o Right under my nose and I didn’t spot it! :angry: I guess you need to have some mistakes pointed out to you before you can see them. Thanks for telling me, I’ll correct it now.

To anyone who’s watching this, look out for the next action-packed hour, coming out this week! (Hopefully)

#22

Alright, so I thought that the review I posted (and, just a minute ago, deleted) wasn’t too nice, so I thought I give your chapter another shot and see how I it reflects on me.

As I said, it gets kinda confusing sometimes. Being ignorant of many car models, not to mention their serial numbers, I could not really picture the cars in my head when I read their names. For example…

The first one, the beige 1970 VAZ-2101. I couldn’t figure out what that looked like till I did a Google search. After that, because it came out as an orange car under the same name (save the ‘beige’), I had to picture it in a beige-tinted color with the rusted body and a paint job that’s about to come off (I couldn’t think of a better term to describe this :-\). The availability of the descriptions of the last few aspects I mentioned (beige color, rusted body, etc.) were nice, but there still wasn’t any description of its shape, curves, special trademarks (in appearance), etc.

Then there’s the Lada. I couldn’t confirm if you were referring to the VAZ-2101, because I don’t know what a ‘Lada’ is; probably another ‘car-term’ that which most of them I’m not familiar with at all.

Other than that, I like how you portrayed the VAZ-2101 as a criminal that had retired from the Soviet Union, a party that had appeared quite many times in the James Bond novels. Also, I like how you turned the car into a major criminal-like character similar to Le Chiffre (illegal trading, anyone?), even if he was trading arms and weapons rather than… bank accounts.

Next, we have the Pierre, who had also fallen under your impression that everyone knows how a Peugeot 405 would look like. Naturally, I don’t, especially when I have yet to Google it.

Again, I like your use of words here. Even though it makes me squelch at how good the sentences regarding Pierre’s back story looks like (in terms of professionalism) with hefty jealousy, I couldn’t quite help myself to rewrite this review and tell you how well you have portrayed the voice of the narrator (I was imagining Judi Dench’s ‘M’ being the voice).

I like the dialogue, a lot. You made their lines look official and very realistic, something I don’t think I could quite display in my fan fics.

Jack reminded me of Jack Travin (Keanu Reeves’ character in [i:n4hp4okj]Speed[/i:n4hp4okj]), one of my favorite ‘cop characters.’

And after all of that, it comes down to the tunnel scene, where more cars unknown to me in terms of appearance appeared from here and there, leaving me quite confused, especially when I had to picture the vehicle mounting the AK-47 onto himself.

However, you did a superb job with the use of words later on. ‘Ricochet’ is one I could barely speed without the help of a dictionary and the Firefox spell checker. The use of similes helped - a lot. I love how you used the one with the tin can.

So, yeah, there are many things in the chapter I’m quite fond of using myself (but unfortunately ends up having my stories in their current state today), and there are quite a number of details that caused a slight downfall in it. However, you did quite a good job overall.

8.5/10

Go read the spoilers in my foreword, would you? I spent a long time typing those. :P

#23

Ah… finally! Thank you for your detailed analysis, wboon! Allow me to address each of your concerns:

You know what, I agree with you on that point. I wrongly assumed that the reader knew what model I was talking about when not everyone is a car nut. I should have described the looks and features in more detail. Thanks for the advice!

Lada’s the brand. VAZ-2101 is the model. Lada’s a fairly common Russian car used in poor Eastern European countries. You know that beige car Angelina Jolie drove to chase the train in Wanted? That’s the VAZ-2101, the exact make and model of my fan-made character. Just a silent wink for my automobile enthusiasts. :wink:

Now that I think about it, he does bear some similarities to Le Chiffre. Subliminal inspiration, perhaps?

They’re the police cars that the French gendarmes use. Just Wiki “French Police Car” or “French Police” and the image you’ll see is how it looks like.

Why thank you!

Belum cuba, belum tahu. (Never try, never know)

It’s Jack Traven with an ‘e’. Although he’s not exactly my favourite ‘cop character’ (Willis’ John McClane in Die Hard, Murphy’s Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop, Eastwood’s Harry Callahan in Dirty Harry) and Smith’s Mike Lowrey in Bad Boys are my picks), Speed is my most favourite action-movie of all time, and one of my top ten films. I have never seen a film with this much action crammed into it, and the pace is relentless (it’s a speeding bus after all!). But Jack Bauer from TV show 24 is a different kind of cop. His means to an end can be…questionable, unlike Keanu’s straightforward “stop-the-unquestionably-bad-guy-save-the-day” approach.

The BJ 212 are military jeeps used by China. Peterbilts are a fairly common truck semi used in America. As for the mounting of the gun, I already thought about that, but I didn’t explain it in the story. Remember Ramon’s paint spray gun? It was held by a loop attached to his hubcap. Just watch any of the scenes where he spray paints his fence or Lightning and you should get a general idea of how cars hold a gun. This goes for pistols, SMGs, and rifles (after all, humans can also hold a rifle in one hand, though it’s not practical). I’m not quite sure how they pull the trigger or reload the magazine, but I’ll work it out and explain it in further detail in a later chapter (I can have Jack teach one of the cars how to handle a firearm).

For anyone else besides my S’porean colleague who doesn’t know, it’s the deflection of bullets upon hitting a hard surface like a wall or floor. And that’s my own definition of it, I didn’t have to Wiki that. I’m such a show-off. :stuck_out_tongue:

Thank your for the detailed review. I’m glad it got a 8.5. From the looks of it, you just read the pilot. Did you know the second chapter is already out? It’s a continuation from Jack’s convoy ambush. There’s a lot more action in the second episode, just look for 7:00 AM-8:00 AM under the Chapters dropdown menu. Be sure to read that and tell me what you think! :smiley:

Anyone else wants to give their two cents? Better yet if you can give me a dollar. :slight_smile:

#24

I read it like I promised I would! So here’s my comments: You are an excellent writer, no surprise there. Based on your helpful comments on my fanfic I was expecting good writing from you so no complaints there. I have one complaint though. Why does everybody always have these therioes that McQueen and Sally just stay friends?! It’s not really a complaint actually but I don’t understand why I find this to be the case in so many fanfics. I guess what I’m really wondering is why you chose to create that type of relationship between them? There is nothing wrong with it, I’m just curious about the reasons behind it. I’m glad you are including her in the story though. The other thing I want to say is I really liked this line:

. LOL that’s kind of random tid bit of information but it made me smile. I would have never thought about that!

#25

Because he feels as though Lightning hasn’t completely changed,and Sally would do better with Mater.Because Lightning isn’t a OMG!A “Good Guy”…TDIT has always been pro-anti-Lightning/Sally :stuck_out_tongue: …being honest with you even though everybody has their opinions I’m not gonna lie it’s very annoying :confused: …same thing with that other stupid(not that your Fic is stupid TDIT,I’m just sayin…) Mater/Sally fic…throws darts at computer

Please quote selectively instead of the entire post, thanks! :slight_smile: - TDIT