What did one eye say to the other eye?
Just between the two of us, something smells!
KID (on phone): “I’m afraid Karen can’t come to school today.”
TEACHER: “May I ask who’s speaking?”
KID: “It’s my mom.”
-“Did you just pick your nose?”
-“No, I’ve always had it since I was born.”
(This is just a light humor, don’t take this one seriously)
There was a hunter in the wildnerness. One day, he upset a bear, and the bear went charging after him. The hunter frantically and frightfully ran away, the bear close behind, until he got to a dead end. When there was nothing left, the hunter prayed, “God, please let this bear know you today.” Suddenly, the bear paused for a while. Then the bear knelt in prayer. “Thank you God, for lunch.”
The teacher asks Otto something but the boy doesn’t pay attention to him. The teacher says his name again and this time Otto responses:
“I’m sorry. But how could I know you meant me when you say my name backwards?”
Tina runs to her mother, her hands full the brown things on the streets by the dogs. Excited she says:
“Mommy look in what I almost stepped in!”
A man enters a store and sees a statue of a rat. He asks the salesman how much it costs. The salesman says “12 bucks for the statue and 100 bucks for the story”. The man declines the story, buys the statue, and walks out of the store carrying the statue. Just then a giant swarm of rats appear and chase the man. The man throws the statue in the ocean and all the rats jump after it and drown. The man returns to the store. The man says to the salesman “do you have a statue of a republican?”
Will is looking for a bride but he can’t find the right one. So he uses a computer, giving the following things:
“I look for someone who should be smaller than me, should dress in elegant clothes and loves swimming.”
The computer replies: “Marry a penguin!”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
or
There were three sailors named Billy, Bob, and Joe. They got shipwrecked one night from a storm and found themselves on a strange island the next morning. As they were trying to figure things out, a group of cannibals approached them. Their leader said to the three, “Hey you, we’re really hungry, so we’re going to eat you.” The three then pleaded for their lives until the leader said, “Alright, then I’ll make you a deal. You three go out into the jungle and pick 10 pieces of any kind of fruit, but you all must pick your own kind. Then bring them back here for further instruction.”
So the three went out into the jungle and a while later, Billy came back first with apples. And then the leader said to him, “Ok, now we will not eat you if you can smash all ten apples with only just your forehead without making a sound.” So Billy attempting to smashing just one apple and then immediately broke down crying and was eaten. Bob came next with 10 berries and was told the same thing by the leader. So Bob smashed all but one. Bob hesitated for a moment and began laughing hysterically. So Bob was eaten, and met with Billy in heaven.
Billy said to Bob, “Why did you start laughing? You could’ve made it!”
And Bob replied, “I saw Joe coming with pineapples.”
Two Stupid Townsians are sitting on a tree branch, sawing it off. A Smart Villager arrived and said:
“If you continue it, you fall down.”
Later he sees them again, this time lying on the ground.
“Look”, one Stupid Townsian said, “that’s the fortuneteller!”
Two mice children want to play outside but can’t because a cat is lurking in front of the hole. So their mother comes and starts barking, scaring the cat away.
“See?”, mother says. “This is why it’s useful to learn foreign languages.”
Roflcoptinator and Witch_of_Night: I never heard those ones before, but they were really good. Better than the everyday “Knock knock” or punchline jokes, for that matter.
Here’s a lame one I thought up: celebrities are to Hollywood as robots are to WALL-Ewood
A man walks into a burger joint and goes to the cashier
man: “Do you still have those $1 burgers?”
cashier: “No, now we only have regular cheeseburgers.”
man: “Well how much are those?”
cashier: “99¢”
Funny story.