Guest: “Waiter, I want the bill!”
Waiter: “You had?”
Guest: “Hunger and thirst.”
Guest: “Waiter, what would you recommend?”
Waiter: “The restaurant on the other side of the street.”
Guest: “Waiter, when was the last time they cleaned the tablecloth?”
Waiter: “I don’t know; I just started here last Friday.”
Two people are talking.
“Christmas will be on a Friday this year”, one says.
“I hope it will not be the 13th”, the other one replies.
I really like the last one WON.
Here is one.
A: Knock, knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Noboddy
B: Nobody who?
A: . . .
Witch_of_Night- The last one is great !
A man enters a store and sees a statue of a rat. He asks the salesman how much it costs. The salesman says “12 bucks for the statue and 100 bucks for the story”. The man declines the story, buys the statue, and walks out of the store carrying the statue. Just then a giant swarm of rats appear and chase the man. The man throws the statue in the ocean and all the rats jump after it and drown. The man returns to the store. The man says to the salesman “do you have a statue of a republican?”
What did Dr. Watson say about Sherlock?
There’s no police like Holmes.
What is a tree’s favorite drink?
Root beer. (lame, I know.)
Will is looking for a bride but he can’t find the right one. So he uses a computer, giving the following things:
“I look for someone who should be smaller than me, should dress in elegant clothes and loves swimming.”
The computer replies: “Marry a penguin!”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
or
There were three sailors named Billy, Bob, and Joe. They got shipwrecked one night from a storm and found themselves on a strange island the next morning. As they were trying to figure things out, a group of cannibals approached them. Their leader said to the three, “Hey you, we’re really hungry, so we’re going to eat you.” The three then pleaded for their lives until the leader said, “Alright, then I’ll make you a deal. You three go out into the jungle and pick 10 pieces of any kind of fruit, but you all must pick your own kind. Then bring them back here for further instruction.”
So the three went out into the jungle and a while later, Billy came back first with apples. And then the leader said to him, “Ok, now we will not eat you if you can smash all ten apples with only just your forehead without making a sound.” So Billy attempting to smashing just one apple and then immediately broke down crying and was eaten. Bob came next with 10 berries and was told the same thing by the leader. So Bob smashed all but one. Bob hesitated for a moment and began laughing hysterically. So Bob was eaten, and met with Billy in heaven.
Billy said to Bob, “Why did you start laughing? You could’ve made it!”
And Bob replied, “I saw Joe coming with pineapples.”
Two Stupid Townsians are sitting on a tree branch, sawing it off. A Smart Villager arrived and said:
“If you continue it, you fall down.”
Later he sees them again, this time lying on the ground.
“Look”, one Stupid Townsian said, “that’s the fortuneteller!”
Two mice children want to play outside but can’t because a cat is lurking in front of the hole. So their mother comes and starts barking, scaring the cat away.
“See?”, mother says. “This is why it’s useful to learn foreign languages.”
Roflcoptinator and Witch_of_Night: I never heard those ones before, but they were really good. Better than the everyday “Knock knock” or punchline jokes, for that matter.
Here’s a lame one I thought up: celebrities are to Hollywood as robots are to WALL-Ewood
Yah, not that good…
This actually happened to my grandpa:
A man walks into a burger joint and goes to the cashier
man: “Do you still have those $1 burgers?”
cashier: “No, now we only have regular cheeseburgers.”
man: “Well how much are those?”
cashier: “99¢”
The funniest part is that it actually happened for real.
Ha ha ha, really funny mo.
mo: 
Funny story.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
[spoil]“Your life seems so pointless.” [/spoil]
THat was a good one BDD. Who told you that one?
(joke belongs to Mitch Hedberg) I felt that he deserved credit.
My freind says “You have no idea how hard it is to stop smoking!” and I said “I’m guessing its like trying to start flossing”.
What do yo call someone who sticks their right hand down a lion’s throat?
[spoil]Lefty[/spoil] ← Highlight for answer
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How many chauvinist men does it take to screw in a light bulb in the kitchen?
[spoil]None. Let the woman cook in the dark.[/spoil]
Not very nice I know, but it’s more at the men right?
Why does the seagull fly over the sea?
[spoil]Because if he flew over the bay, he would be a bagel.[/spoil]
My 9-year old sister made this one up. It’s funnier when you say it instead of writing it…
One night, a man and a woman went onto a boat. No one else came in before or after them. When the boat docked, the man and the woman got out. Who was left on the boat?
[spoil]the knight[/spoil] 